Things that changed her life…{part 3}
Posted by admin on February 2nd, 2010. Filed under: Uncategorized.There are some moments that change your game, your view, your life. They start out normally, but well, they never quite end that way, do they? This is one of mine.
{Okay, so it’s a weekend. Whatevs.}
It is October, and I haven’t flown in the three years since September 11th. I am desperate to escape my life, because it’s feeling like I may never be able to do so. I board the plane alone and sit on the aisle, sipping Diet Coke for the hour it takes me to land in Portland. I don’t talk to anyone until I land in Oregon, and my friend Jamie greets me in the airport. We take the MAX to a wine bar and sit down, talking and laughing the whole time. With my first sip of chardonnay, I can feel my shoulders loosen and the tight space in my heart start to open. Jamie is one of those exceptionally good friends where the conversation doesn’t stay on the surface for long before delving deeper, and I relax into our friendship, telling my stories and hearing hers.
As I fall asleep on her couch that night, I stare at the ceiling. It is the first time I have slept alone in over a year, but I feel more rested, safer somehow, alone in this dark room than I do at home, tucked next to the person I am supposed to love. I begged for the ticket to come here because I was feeling restless, like I might burst out of my own skin if I don’t do something, go somewhere, see something new soon. Being here lets me feel like I can breathe.
Jamie shows me around the city the next day. We have coffee, and I notice how friendly the locals are: proffering sections of their newspapers, smiling, holding doors. We laugh over lunch with Jamie’s sister before going into Powell’s, where I truly believe I could get lost for several days, just enjoying the books and the smell of words and paper and ink—the things that I love. We wander the famous rose garden, taking pictures, smelling the clean air and I sit quietly on steps, taking it all in. That night, we go to a friend of Jamie’s for the night, listening to Ray Lamontagne, drinking merlot, and talking for hours after watching Before Sunrise, a movie that continues to raise the big questions for me. No one knows everything, no one has it figured out, but they are trying. I realize that I am not alone: that no one’s life looks and feels the way they’d like it to all the time.
The morning I fly home, we go to the art market and I buy a pair of earrings, a souvenir to hold on to from the weekend. Jamie and I continue to talk, and I share things I’ve told no one. I am happy. I have fallen in love with a city, with a lifestyle. For the first time, I feel at home in a place that is not my home. I see strong women around me who do not have a man or a plan or a life that looks anything like mine; yet, I can feel the contentment. I admire them. I realize that I haven’t cried once that weekend, save for a good discussion that opens my heart and even though I may not speak the words, I can hear myself think and feel for the first time in months.
I feel alive.
As I sip my Diet Coke on the way home, I realize I have gotten a taste of what I want my life to feel like: warm, creative, friendly, independent. Filled with wine and poetry and conversations that matter. When I land, I make small purchases to remind me of that weekend: Ray Lamontagne’s album, a bottle of red, and a copy of Before Sunset, the sequel to the movie I fell in love with. I tuck the memories away in my heart.
A few months later, when my life is upside down, and I am starting over, I remember this weekend and start building, a moment at a time. And even now, when I lose my way, I think about those moments, those conversations, that precious two and a half days and try desperately to get back there, to that weekend in Portland where I found a small bit of myself in a place that was not my home.
February 2nd, 2010 at 1:14 am
Amazing! I love these Things That Changed Her Life you have going on over here. It has me thinking of mine. Love it!
February 2nd, 2010 at 4:25 am
Wonderful. I’ve definitely had one or two of those moments. They’re amazing.
February 2nd, 2010 at 6:01 am
I could get lost in your writing. You have a way with words, there’s no doubt about that. Thanks for another beautiful story.
February 2nd, 2010 at 6:41 am
Oh, beautiful!
“…Filled with wine and poetry and conversations that matter… I tuck the memories away in my heart.”
This was my experience while I was away last week. There’s nothing like stepping out of real life for a little while to make you realise what that real life should really include when you come back to it
February 2nd, 2010 at 7:57 am
Ohh, this was a lovely post, Amy. Portland is one of my favorite cities, ever. (With a place like Powell’s, how could that city NOT hold a special place in my heart?!?!)
And, it’s funny, reading this reminded me of my first weekend spent there, in the company of close friends and total strangers, and I think I, too, found a small bit of myself, somewhere between those mountains and ocean.
February 2nd, 2010 at 8:15 am
Sometimes all you need is a change of scenery to put everything in perspective. I’m glad you were able to get away when you needed it most.
February 2nd, 2010 at 8:44 am
I just…adore this post. Really. Especially because I can relate. I’ve beent through something so similar that it’s scary! Thank you for sharing this amazing peek into your life. It’s so beautifully written.
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:05 am
Lovely post. I live in Portland! It really is great. Powells and the Japanese Garden and 23rd ave and cafes and tucked away bars with live shows. I grew up thirty minutes outside of P-town and so it was a treat on the weekends to be able to go there and shop or have a nice breakfast, and especially people watch! Everyone has such great style. But, just as you said, not everything is so perfect. There are a ton of homeless people that are really bold about asking for money/drugs, there are parts of town that do not make me feel safe and can be scary, and despite being the greenest/most-vegetated city there is still pollution and grime and general muck that comes with people. The truth is, Portland is a real city with some pro’s and bads but she is a hell of a ride.
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:58 am
“Before Sunrise” is hands-down one of my all-time favorite movies. I can watch it over and over again (just watched it a couple of weeks ago!)…. the magic of the moment never gets old.
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:00 am
You are SUCH a beautiful writer. I could totally see this in a book. You are a powerful storyteller and I can’t wait to read more. (There is more, right? I NEED MORE!)
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:41 am
Very sweet- I had some very similar moments, and I love that before sunrise was part of this for you- I just re-watched it! And I’m going to re-watch before sunset this week. Parallel lives, miss. It’s weird.
But I love the moments in our lives where we can step outside the day to day and think “What do I want this life of mine to be?”
Mister and I sat down last saturday night and made huge lists that were answering just those questions and it was really amazing to realize just how much we could choose to do.
February 2nd, 2010 at 12:08 pm
I love reading about these moments. I file the little things that made a difference in the back of my mind for the times when I need a life-changing moment.
February 2nd, 2010 at 12:38 pm
Beautifully written post. I’ve had moments like that over the last year where I spend time with an amazing friend who I can talk *deep* things with. It’s so refreshing and leaves me absolutely rejuvenated.
February 2nd, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Can I steal this idea? I love it!
This is beautiful.
February 2nd, 2010 at 2:03 pm
I’ve been reading for a couple months now, and for this post, I’m finally delurking. Because….guh….that was just beautiful. I love that I can always find something to relate to in your posts.
February 2nd, 2010 at 3:15 pm
These posts are so darn beautiful; nearly make me want to cry. Seriously.
I’m glad that the weekend was something you could carry forward with you into the uncertainty you faced.
February 2nd, 2010 at 8:44 pm
Conversations that matter… yes yes yes! Beautiful post, very inspirational. A pleasure to read as always.
Best,
Hannah Katy
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:10 pm
<3
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:21 am
This is wonderful. Seriously.
It’s amazing how one seemingly small weekend can just rock your world forever in the most beautiful ways.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:26 am
“I realize that I am not alone: that no one’s life looks and feels the way they’d like it to all the time.”
You are just beautiful. I love memories like these that we can hang onto forever, even in our darkest moments.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:12 am
i love this post, reminds me of me a lot.
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:12 am
This was beautiful. I also understand the concept of going to a new place and feeling instantly at home. A part of you never really comes back from that place.