There are some moments that change your game, your view, your life. They start out normally, but well, they never quite end that way, do they? This is one of mine.
The past year and a half had crushed me. In a span of twelve months, I watched as everything came crashing down: my marriage, my job, my financial stability, my newest relationship which absolutely blindsided me with it’s rapid highs and lows. I was fragile.
In that year, there had been moments where I’d questioned whether or not I wanted to live at all.
Sure, things were looking up, I guess. I had started my first year of being an English teacher, which was both exhausting and exhilerating with it’s joys and fears and ability to absolutely drain me. But I wasn’t happy. I moved out of the apartment I loved and in with a roommate to save money, and while my roommate was nice enough, I hated the area I lived in and hated listening to the laughter and love that she shared with her boyfriend. The first boy I’d liked in months was ignoring me, claiming he needed “space” and I could no longer stay out until 5 am with my old friends because I was thrown into teaching, baptism by fire. I cried the whole way home everyday, wondering if I’d ever “get it” and be a good teacher, if I’d ever feel at home in the world again.
The morning started out like any other: I left for work early, stopping to grab a coffee at the grocery store nearby as had become my custom. The area in which I lived was busy in the mornings, with everyone streaming out of their homes to head to work and start their day. After getting my coffee, I pulled out of the parking lot, latte in hand, and accelerated to 50 miles per hour, headed towards the freeway.
Before I knew what happened, I was spinning, spinning, spinning across the road. I heard brakes screeching and felt my head hit the driver’s side window. What must have been 15 seconds felt like I lifetime as I careened across traffic, before coming to a stop. As I looked out the window, I saw a car desperately trying to stop before hitting my door. I could see the concerned face of the man driving, bracing to hit me.
But he didn’t.
He gently backed his car away from mine, so I could open my door, since his car had stopped mere inches from where I was marooned on the median, with a blown tire on the front right side, a stupid blown tire that could have killed me. I came tumbling out of my car, gasping for air, crying harder than I knew possible. I remember being so grateful to feel the cold air on my face, to get out and walk, to know that it could have been otherwise.
In my journal that night, I wrote only this: “I want to live.”
20 Comments so far
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Wow. A) So glad you were okay. B) Gripping writing. Well done!
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By Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist on 03.09.10 11:07 am | Permalink
powerful, amy. thank you
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By linda on 03.09.10 11:10 am | Permalink
i believe that we’re often put into situations that make us realize the path we’re on is where we SHOULD be… whether it’s roses and tulips or dandelions and poison ivy. sometimes we don’t get the message and so we need to be told in other ways… more severe ways. i’m so glad you realized that no matter how shitty it can be it’s what you want! living is something we’re LUCKY to do, not stuck with, my past has this moment as well. you told the story beautifully!!
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By notsojenny on 03.09.10 11:30 am | Permalink
Holy cow. I would have been so unbelievably frightened. Thank God you were ok!
Now I’m going to go search for parts 1-3. You’ve piqued my interest!
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By StaceyParadise on 03.09.10 11:40 am | Permalink
I cannot tell you how much I enjoy these posts. I have all of them starred in my reader and go back to reread often. They’re so beautifully written and make me think.
Keep up the good work.
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By Erin @ My Way This Time on 03.09.10 12:20 pm | Permalink
Wow, that’s terrifying. Have you noticed that these life-changing moments, even when scary, always come at just the right time? Amazing.
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By Andrea on 03.09.10 12:26 pm | Permalink
It’s amazing how much you actually want to live when faced with death. Gripping tale. Thanks for sharing.
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By Meghan on 03.09.10 12:38 pm | Permalink
Wow. That’s amazing, scary and life-changing for sure. It’s weird how things happen like this and you survive and you then change your life for the better. Close calls are always terrifyingly premeditated by someone out there.
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By Margarita on 03.09.10 12:39 pm | Permalink
This is so powerful, and gave me chills! Your way with words is incredibly gripping. Isn’t it crazy how things like that happen exactly when we need them to? Thank you so much for sharing! <3
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By Lisa on 03.09.10 3:52 pm | Permalink
My goodness! That is so scary. Did it take you awhile to be comfortable with driving again?
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By kilax on 03.09.10 4:42 pm | Permalink
wow. powerful.
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By Sean on 03.09.10 5:30 pm | Permalink
Wow so scary. But so well told!
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By Ari on 03.09.10 5:37 pm | Permalink
It’s strange how something so simple, something that happens every day to hundreds of people, can be so life-changing and bring you out of The Hole. I had a similar car accident that’s cemented my belief that I’m here for a reason. I’m so glad you had that realization, too. <3
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By Ellie Di on 03.09.10 6:03 pm | Permalink
Oh, wow. So scary!
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By Vanessa on 03.09.10 7:16 pm | Permalink
Your words actually made me feel like I was with you in that car. Beautiful, haunting writing.
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By Manderz on 03.09.10 7:43 pm | Permalink
The book I’m currently reading wrote something about that, to the effect of you don’t know how much you want to live until the moment comes where it could be taken from you. And you may think you want to end your life…until someone/something else tries to take your life from you, and then you realize how much you really want to live.
Beautifully written, Amy. And I’m so happy this had a good ending.
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By Stephany on 03.09.10 7:44 pm | Permalink
I love these moments you write about SO MUCH. Thank you, Amy.
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By Kathleen on 03.09.10 8:07 pm | Permalink
Wow. That is quite a story. I’m glad it ended the way it did.
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By Jessica on 03.09.10 8:09 pm | Permalink
You’re an incredible story teller. Life is so fragile.
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By Her on 03.09.10 9:16 pm | Permalink
I have been following your blog for a while, I am just reading some of the ones I missed in March. Thank you for this. I am glad you’re ok. And I think I needed to read this tonight.
P.S….I love your blog!
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By Adrianne on 04.13.10 8:44 pm | Permalink
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