Last week, I was thrust into a situation with some people who I’ve allowed to make me feel terrible about myself, simply because they don’t really understand me (nor I them!), and have shown some rather judgmental, awful behavior in the past. I sat there, having had no prior warning that they’d be at said event, and trembled inside. I checked my cell phone incessantly, clammed up in the most casual of conversations and sat there shit-talking myself until my dearest work friend showed up and rescued me from the wondering why these (admittedly not-so-nice) ladies don’t like me. The thing that troubled me is that they are not the sort of friends or people I want in my life, but it bothered me nonetheless—all the insecurities I felt when they were in my life regularly came rushing back.
By the time I got in my car that night, I was terribly sad, and drove the entire hour home with Patty Griffin on the stereo and tears on my cheeks and my sunroof open, despite the freezing air, just so I could breathe.
I never, ever want to feel that way again.
Later, upon re-hashing the incident, I realized why this little encounter bothered me so much: it felt like a microcosm of how I’ve been feeling lately. It starts with something as small as being left out or being uncomfortable, and inevitably spirals into fears about my layoff, relationship issues and a million other little things that make me feel sad and scared.
I know I’ve written what seems to be this very post over and over again—old habits die hard, and this is an ongoing struggle for me. I’ve been turning this particular event over and over in my mind, trying to figure out how to write it—how to express the simultaneous sadness and anger that I have allowed myself to feel so inadequate, when really, I know in my heart that I am enough. Yesterday, I read this post by Kyla and it hit me over the head: I have a choice, everyday. I can be the girl who is reduced to an iPhone checking mute in the face of crushing insecurity OR I can hold my head up, toss back another drink and make the best of it. And that’s what I’m trying to be, to do, to become. I’m asking the Hard Questions, figuring out where I need to be brave and where I need to back down and seeking the answers within, as opposed to measuring myself against the yardstick others hold out for me.
I know for sure that while I may not have it all figured out, I’m closer everyday.
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good for you! i think we all (girls anyway) get those moments where we feel like insecure kids again in the face of “the mean girls”. at least it’s all too familiar for me so i assume/hope we all do this now matter how adult we’re supposed to feel. finding that confidence is so hard at these moments, i completely agree.
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By notsojenny on 02.23.10 7:11 am | Permalink
Everyone has those kinds of experiences. It sucks. It’s almost as if the more they dislike you, the more you seek their approval. I’ve started making lists in my head of all the other people I actually like and respect who like and respect me back. It doesn’t completely change how I feel, but it makes a bit of a dent in that bubble of insecurity. Thanks again for yet another wonderful post.
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By Sarah Faherty on 02.23.10 7:20 am | Permalink
I feel as though you wrote this for me. I have been dealing with very similar emotions, and the yard stick saying hit me real hard. It’s almost as if blog posts are being written by the universe for me. I’m needing to hear these things, and know that I’m not alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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By Shannon on 02.23.10 7:38 am | Permalink
Ah, yes. Choice. A blessing and a curse. But, really, moreso a blessing. Especially when you trust yourself and believe in your own goodness and worth and strength.
I’m proud of you for asking the Hard Questions. One of these days, you’ll get your answer. And you will, I have no doubt, make the best of it.
Much love.
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By Hannah on 02.23.10 7:56 am | Permalink
I always feel inadequate in large groups. There’s always someone more confident, funnier, smarter, prettier, whatever-er. I always clam up because I’m glad, “how do you compete?” But it’s so easy to let something like that make you feel like a failure even when you’re not so props to you for recognizing it because admitting there’s a problem is the first step towards a solution.
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By Allison Blass on 02.23.10 8:09 am | Permalink
I always feel like that, but I fake it. After you fake it for a while you start to actually feel whatever way you’re faking (happy, confident, hilarious, etc.).
A tip, I read (somewhere, I can’t remember where, sorry) the way your face is, kind of barely smiling but still turned up right after you say “cheeze whiz” makes you look confident, even if you don’t feel confident.
Live it.
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By The Maiden Metallurgist on 02.23.10 8:10 am | Permalink
I think that everyone has those moments. The main way I deal with them, is I try to choose my times. If I don’t have the energy to step up and be brave, I just try to not put myself in a situation where it will be required of me. If I do decide to go out and do something outside of my normal comfort zone, I don’t let myself get away with backing down and getting insecure.
It sounds a little obvious, but especially when I had a lot of anxiety, knowing my limits was just as important as pushing myself. It meant that when I choose to step up I won. Every single time. Now I’m at the point where I have trouble thinking of a social situation where I wouldn’t do well because I built up my confidence in a safe way. =)
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By Kyla Roma on 02.23.10 8:38 am | Permalink
Oh, man, Amy. This post totally spoke to me! I go through the same exact thing and sometimes it happens within my circle of friends! I can’t tell you how many get-togethers I’ve canceled on because my anxiety levels are just too high. I’m always worried if I’m “doing everything right” and being funny enough and smart enough. And sometimes the risk isn’t worth it for me.
But I think, sometimes, we need those situations to help us grow as humans. If I just stay in my shell and never venture a foot out the door to try to conquer my anxiety, it’s just going to get bigger and bigger until I’m too scared to even go to the grocery store!
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By Stephany on 02.23.10 9:35 am | Permalink
I think everyone (or, most everyone) just wants to be valued and liked, no matter by who. Who enjoys being ignored or criticized or made to feel small? (Also, those people sound stupid. Who couldn’t love you?) But, shit, people are going to do it, constantly, especially if you’re living right (the happier you are, I’ve found, the more people want to tear you down). I’m trying to do this same thing: find peace and happiness in all situations, not just the peaceful and happy ones.
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By Jennie on 02.23.10 9:39 am | Permalink
I also think we all have these moments. We all have to interact with people that we don’t particularly get along with/ have no chemistry with on a daily basis and it’s annoying, because you feel like you can’t do anything about it.
Except for mentally preparing yourself for these kinds of situations and hold your head up and not let these people bother you… because in the grand scheme of things, they don’t really matter.
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By san on 02.23.10 9:40 am | Permalink
I’ve definitely been in this boat, more times than I care to remember. And eventually, at some point in the last two years, I came to the same realization that you did: I have a choice in how to act. So I go back and forth. I try to be the person to hold my head up, have a good time, and not let the world drive me down The Hole. Sometimes I fail. But the more I consciously practice being That Girl, the easier it is. I think you’ll find the same. <3
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By Ellie Di on 02.23.10 12:02 pm | Permalink
This post really spoke to me too. I know what it’s like to struggle with insecurity and anxieties at times, and even though we all have a choice, it’s really easy to sit back and let those negative feelings get the better of me! Kudos to you for asking those Hard Questions…it’s inspiring me to make those choices in my own life. Thanks for sharing!!
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By Jules on 02.23.10 12:03 pm | Permalink
It’s funny (not haha, but ironic) that you write about this because just last night I was talking to a friend about all the things spewing around inside my head lately (there are a lot) and she said, “you know, Nora, figuring these things out, letting events from the past and your reactions to them… this is what makes us huamn, what makes us evolve, what makes life.”
So while I know I don’t have it all together either, I know that like you, I’m on my way to figuring it out, to feeling comfortable in my own skin again 100% of the time and much more.
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By Nora on 02.23.10 12:12 pm | Permalink
… figuring out where I need to be brave and where I need to back down and seeking the answers within
I think I’d add something additional to that. There are many times when really, you could just be indifferent to the situation. It’s the idea that you just don’t let it affect you the same way you once did.
Oh and by the way, the whole figuring it out thing … that’s a lifetime work. There’s always something more to figure out. So, sit back and get comfy with the process!
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By Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks on 02.23.10 1:01 pm | Permalink
I don’t get why people would be mean to you or not like you. But, then again, I say the same thing to myself when people who don’t like me are mean to me. I just don’t get it. Because… I made myself into who I am. You know? And I’ve done it (mostly) on purpose, which makes me think that, if I weren’t me, I would like me. I guess. But then there exist these people who make me feel so insecure. Like the above commenter said: the more they dislike me, the more I seem to NEED their approval. That’s stupid.
One of my new mantras for myself is this: It’s not my job to convince people that I’m awesome. It’s my job to BE awesome, and if other people can’t figure it out, then that’s their own personal problem.
It’s tough. And I have to remind myself sometimes. But it’s true. It’s so true! So I give you permission to borrow the above mantra whenever some stupid bitch makes you feel low. Because you’re awesome, so I trust you with my stuff.
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By Andrea on 02.23.10 4:29 pm | Permalink
I’m usually the first to yell and get all GIRL-POWER-Y! but nothing bothers me than when a group of grown, adult women manage to belittle their own kind (meaning, another woman). what gives?!
trust me, I’ve been in those situations where I become a phone checking mute but the thought of utilizing my voice and sarcasm during those moments never crosses my mind because all I can focus on is the hurt. I’m better able to rebound when I’m in my own space, write down my thoughts and blast some music.
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By thatShortChick on 02.23.10 5:45 pm | Permalink
I feel that way all the time and I hate it!
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By Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist on 02.23.10 5:53 pm | Permalink
Well good for you for realizing it and striving to change. I struggle with that at times. And other times I do the “screw it, I’m gonna act like I feel good about myself” bit. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.
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By Ari on 02.23.10 6:19 pm | Permalink
This is so beautiful. So inspiring, so encouraging. I can totally relate–I’ve been in somewhat of a funk myself lately and I don’t like it one bit. I like the idea of making a choice, every day is a chance to start fresh! Thank you.
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By Lisa on 02.23.10 8:01 pm | Permalink
This posy struck a serious chord in me and brought tears to my eyes. Good on you for understanding and working towards that change. It’s inspiring.
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By Meghan on 02.23.10 9:21 pm | Permalink
I deal with pretty constant feelings of inadequacy in regards to my graduate work even though those feelings so do not check against the facts at all. I do well in school and have been given a lot of opportunities as a result, but I can’t seem to shake my insecurities. We all face situations like this, but you’re right, you have to decide every day to treat yourself better and keep moving forward.
Also, I’ve so been wanting to title a blog “We’ll all float on okay . . . ” since I heard that song while playing Rock Band a couple months ago!
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By Ashley on 02.23.10 10:34 pm | Permalink
I *got* so much of this post. I’ve deliberately held myself back to keep away from people who hurt me, and it was so, so, so hard, but so worth it. I love seeing that you believe in yourself enough to push forward. You’re worth it–always.
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By Her on 02.24.10 2:01 am | Permalink
As I read your post I was thinking, Been there, been there, been there.
I wouldn’t say that I go into social situations automatically feeling withdrawn, however, I definitely notice that if someone is there and I have a Story that they don’t like me, suddenly I find it difficult to string two words together!
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By Kate on 02.24.10 12:42 pm | Permalink
I was in a sorority for 30 seconds (ok, a little longer) and I still get queasy every time I see my ex sorority sisters. People that were in my life for a split second still have all this power of my self esteem. It’s so weird. I figured that, as I neared 30 – the “high school-ness” of it wall would fade out and give way to maturity – but alas, it always stays the same. Guess the life lesson is that you’ll never be able to change what other people think – but you can ALWAYS change how you react. Always.
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By Rachel on 02.27.10 6:56 pm | Permalink
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