I don’t quite remember how I found Not That Kind Of Girl, but man, I am obsessed with her blog!  I think I love her because she reminds me of well, me, what with the rigid life plans that have changed, shyness and general attitude towards the world.  The difference is that she is actively trying to do things that she’s never done before–some big, some small, but all awesome.  She then writes about each adventure compellingly, and has taken the internet by storm with her awesome.  I interviewed her to get her take on starting over, something she’s a pro at.

Read on!

—

The specific blog idea came to me only a few days before I left California for Boston. Ever since I was twelve years old, I’ve had a very rigid life plan: 1) get a degree in Russian Lit from an elite university; 2) date a good man; 3) PhD program in Russian lit; 4) marry said good man one year out of college; 5) tenure track, kids, and happily ever after.  Solid plan, but the thing is, right around the end of college — after a decade of the same dream — I suddenly realized I didn’t like it very much. And I kind of shut down. I stopped researching PhD programs, didn’t apply for any jobs, moved in with the boy it was becoming rapidly apparent I wouldn’t ever marry. Got a couple of part-time jobs and settled into a year-long panic attack, just waiting for my motivation to come back so I could get back to the plan.  Then, a year and a half ago, the panic receded and I ninja-kicked myself to my senses. I’d thought of year off as a detour from my life plan but, dude, what is a detour but another path? And why wasn’t I seeing where the hell it led?!  The concept for the blog is a natural growth from that. Once I threw away my big assumptions about my life, I thought it would be fun and potentially useful to start challenging all of the little assumptions about myself I’d been living by. So I decided to make a systematic study of them and tie that into my writing goals by turning it into a daily (or near-daily) exercise. The rest, as they say, is (in your browser) history.

Coming up with the Not That Kind Of Girl activities is surprisingly easy, despite how stupidly many of them I assigned myself. Some of them come from looking at the people I love and figuring out just what it is that I adore (or can’t stand!) about them. Other NTKOGs come from suggestions from my beautiful readers, checking out current events in Boston, or occasionally acting on the nice impulses I’m usually too lazy to pursue.  The best ones, though, are impromptu. Like a lot of writerly dudes, I’m painfully shy and feel most comfortable when I’m leaning back in the corner, spewing the occasional acerbic observation. I used to spend a lot of time feeling very afraid of normal interactions. Now, though, whenever I’m interacting with someone and think, ‘Oh, god, you know what would be awful to do right now?’ I just go ahead and do it. And every time I do something I’m afraid of and nothing bad happens, it gets easier and easier.

I’ve only made three good decisions in my life, and Boston is by far the best of them. When I was in California, I was extremely content: loving boyfriend, huge network of amazing friends, welcoming little haunts. Everything, in short, that an aspiring writer needs to distract herself from her dreams. Moving to Boston forced me to slough off every beautiful, comfortable thing in my life. I’ve learned a lot about how to be alone with my thoughts and how to use that loneliness to try to create something meaningful. I’m much harder on myself now, but I do it with a lot more love.  I’ve also grown incredibly close to my sister, who lives in Boston. A sibling is the greatest blessing you can be given on this earth, I think, and I’m thankful every day that this time together has allowed us to become best friends.

All of the ones where I have to draw attention to myself when talking to people! Oh man, even after a year, it terrifies me to go up to a stranger and demand what I want or open myself up and be vulnerable to them. For example, the very first NTKOG I ever did was walking into a department store and demanding a discount for no reason. I had to give myself a twenty-minute pep talk in the dressing room first, but then I did it and, what do you know? I got what I wanted, and got it with a smile.  Lots of NTKOGs are variations on this basic theme: standing up for myself when I’m treated badly; asking a salesperson or stranger to go above and beyond their obligations to help me; telling the world what I want, basically, and forcing myself to believe that I deserve it. Time and time again I learn, though, that people actually are basically good and they want to help you. It’s staggering how well people will treat you if you let them.

I’m significantly nicer now than I was when I started this challenge. My whole life, I was convinced that the only thing I had to offer the world was my intelligence. I thought that being nice was nothing special, because everybody can do it. Now I realize that the fact that everybody can do it is what makes it so important that you actually do. Turns out when you make an effort to move through your day with kindness and joy, other people really give you the best of themselves. It’s a beautiful cycle.  The other big lesson I’ve learned so far: don’t waste energy on embarrassment. I used to be paralyzed with fear that people were watching and judging me about little things. “I can’t move seats on the bus or the person I sit next to will think I’m hitting on them!” “Oh my gosh, if I sing along with my iPod on accident, everyone will think I’m crazy!” Dumb stuff like that. But it turns out everyone else is so consumed with their own self-involved paranoia that they don’t even notice you. As long as you’re not harming or inconveniencing anyone else, you can do whatever you want. You’re free now.

I think it’s incredibly easy to look around you and come to the conclusion that everyone else knows some secret you’re not privy to and you’re the only one DOING. IT. WRONG. When you keep that fear to yourself, it can consume you. You can end up spending all of your energy just trying to fit in with so-called Perfect People who are really just as self-doubting and insecure as you. But you wouldn’t try to climb a mountain wearing couture and stilettos, right? So why do we feel the need to convince other people we’re perfect while we’re actively striving for self-improvement? Don’t waste energy on that noise. And speaking as a blogger who aspires to be a real writer, there’s one lesson I mess up every day. It seems to me that talking about your dreams is the enemy of achieving them. When you tell other people about what you intend to do, you can hypnotize yourself into believing that you’ve actually started doing it. Whenever I fall into this trap, I instantly become a useless human being right until the point at which I shut up and actually start working again.

The mini-adventures definitely aren’t over, and neither is the blog. Once the year’s up, I might open the rigid format to involve some other facets of my life. And I’m definitely easing up on my frenetic posting schedule. By the time this blog ends, it’ll fill up over 1000 pages. And while I’m incredibly proud of the accomplishment, dude, the pace at which I’ve been writing is absolutely nuts. After August 23, I’m looking forward to taking some time to write more fiction, work on grad school applications, and maybe conquer Ulysses. (Though if I do, you can definitely expect a blog about that one!)