Can I tell you guys a secret? It definitely gives you a Window Into My Mind, which is probably sort of a scary place, but I promise if you get past the initial fear, it’s pretty cozy in here. Or maybe I’ve just adjusted and learned to deal, sort of like those people on Hoarders who simultaneously fascinate and SCARE THE CRAP out of me. But that makes me sound like I think I’m all smart, like, “Boy, my brain is crowded!” and while I think I am reasonably intelligent, thanks, I don’t think I’m a genuis or anything.
But I digress, and now, here’s the secret. Well, sort of. A secret in a story.
Yesterday afternoon, I was driving home from work when my iPhone beeped to let me know I had a new email. I would never check it while driving read it, and it was from one of my favorite people ever, Jennie, the brains behind Style Lush, where I contribute. This week, I wrote a post about good gifts for teachers, and I cross-posted the article over on my Examiner page. Anyways, I got a VERY NICE email from Jennie, asking if I’d posted it. Let me just say for the record: Jennie is lovely, her email was non-threatening or even slightly worrisome.
But, you know what I did? FREAKED OUT. No, really. Knot in my stomach, envisioning Jennie kicking me off the Style Lush team, me being black-listed at Blog Her or the Blathering and OH MY GOSH. I hesitated to even respond, sure that, as usual, I had done something wrong. When I finally did, she was, as usual, fine and concerned someone had stolen the article FROM ME.
*insert huge sigh of relief here*
After I recovered from my completely unnecessary freak-out, I started thinking. Why do I always assume everything I’m doing is wrong? This has been a lifelong issue for me. And why? I HAVE NO IDEA. Sure, I got into trouble as a kid sometimes, but nothing major. I never had a detention, was never sent to see the principal for anything bad. I’ve never even had a speeding ticket.
But there it is.
At work, if my boss as much as LOOKS at me, or calls me in to talk, or a parent calls, I assume I’ve done something awful, despite my general ability to DO MY JOB WELL. Logically, I know that my lesson plans are done, my class is learning, I am fair and kind and good at what I do. I try to be considerate towards others that I hold dear, and be thoughtful and nice. Rationally, I know this.
Still, I often find myself in this spiral. Did I leave a nice enough comment? Am I annoying someone if I G-chat with them? Did my email come off weird? Do they really like me, or am I being included out of pity? Am I cool enough to be here? Did I do it perfectly? How did I screw up now?
It’s exhausting.
One of my most conscious goals for 2010 is to leave this behind. I want to stop FREAKING OUT whenever I have to talk to someone. I want to stand behind the things I say and do. I want to stop being so afraid of people, so afraid that I’m screwing up. To take a step back and do what I want, without the worry or the concern that the proverbial “someone” won’t like it. I want to assume that whatever my boss needs to discuss, or my friend needs to talk about, or whatever I choose to do is good. Great, even. Not in a conceited manner, but in a confident one—a one that shows that I believe in myself.
I wish I knew how to do this. I wish I knew that it’d be easy, that I could just let it all go and stop questioning myself. I know it will be tough, but I also know that after 26 and a half years of questioning, I want to leave that behind.
What are YOU hoping to leave behind this year?
16 Comments so far
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Just want to let you know, you are not alone in this. I do the exact same thing. Even though I have NO REASON to fear, I still do, always, anytime someone wants to chat, discuss, whatever.
It makes me feel even more guilty for feeling guilty, as if I somehow am guilty of wrongness I don’t even know about because I feel that way…
Is that jacked or what?
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By Katy on 12.18.09 11:05 am | Permalink
I’m my own worst critic, like so many of us are.
If I receive an email with even the slightest hint of dischord from a friend, co-worker, bloggy bff, I get all anxious. It’s terrible. Palms sweat. Worry runs through my brain. It’s so frustrating to feel like this especially, like you said, you do the best you can and that best happens to be good, fair and right.
I think I will try to leave behind feeling guilty if/when I say NO to things. I don’t do it all that often but when I do, I always feel terrible about it.
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By Nora on 12.18.09 11:11 am | Permalink
That’s a great goal to have. I need to work on that myself. I worry about stuff like this all the time. I think of myself as a confident person. However I freak out over having to explain something that I think is very clear. Anxiety hits when I first get put on the spot. I’m not sure what is the best course of action for when this happens. But there is always this little thought in the back of my head “Could I be wrong about this?” Anyways. Sorry for the ramble. Nice blog. I’ll return later to see how your doing working toward this goal.
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By mattkendrick.com on 12.18.09 11:52 am | Permalink
I hope to leave behind guilt motivating me. I do so much out of guilt or fear of guilt and I realized one day, it’s made me judgmental, jealous, not fun to be around. So, I’m letting passion and kindness be my driving 2010 forces.
Also, I hope to leave my ass behind by shrinking it.
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By Jennie on 12.18.09 11:53 am | Permalink
Man, I cannot agree more! I do this all the time. If I have someone call my cell phone that I don’t normally talk to on a regular basis, I freak out. If my boss wants to talk, I freak out. It’s so WEIRD! I’m the same way………
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By Madeline on 12.18.09 11:54 am | Permalink
I realize it’s soooo cliche, but: acknowledging the problem is the first step. Now that you’ve decided that you want to be rid of this problem, you’re way ahead of the game. You’re a determined and strong woman. I know you’re going to whip this fear’s ass. Thinking happy thoughts for you, sweetheart. <3
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By Jaka Merriman on 12.18.09 12:03 pm | Permalink
Um…we’re the same person.
Or, you know, less creepily: I know what you mean. I have that Crap, What Did I Do Wrong? mentality every.single.time someone calls me into an office; that Does This Person Find Me Annoying? mentality every.single.time I make contact with someone “cooler” or “more popular” than me. (Confession: I totally had it when I gchatted you the other day. I said something and then was like, “Bah, I’m a loser.” Which I totally KNOW is not true. I’m pretty awesome.)
I think 2010 should be the year of Letting Go. Let’s start a movement.
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By Tabitha on 12.18.09 12:43 pm | Permalink
Let me know if you find out how, because I am EXACTLY the same! I overthink things, then get all nervous, then end up crying, even when the news is all good, as it inevitably is. I try and at least hold it together till I can find a bathroom. Then I have to come out pretending that my eyes are not all red and swollen. Gah!
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By Nicola on 12.18.09 1:06 pm | Permalink
exactly!
I’m trying to leave behind the fear of not doing things. Gahh just do it! I overthink the whole doing something new.
and guys… I’m leaving behind all their drama too and not worrying what they’re thinking if they didn’t reply to my msg 30 seconds after I send it.
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By Amy on 12.18.09 2:08 pm | Permalink
To answer some of your questions: Your comments are great, gchat displays “available” for a reason, people love emails, yes we really like you otherwise we wouldn’t be here, you’re cooler than most humans, you’re perfect, and even if you do screw up, it’s probably not a big deal because you’re you.
Oh, what do I want to leave behind? Debt. Holy credit reports, batman.
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By nicopolitan on 12.18.09 3:17 pm | Permalink
I’m the same way. I wrote my anxiety post all about it. I’d LOVE to leave that behind.
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By barbetti on 12.18.09 3:55 pm | Permalink
I am the same way. Always beating myself up, even when I did nothing wrong.
Hope you are able to let it go!
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By A Super Girl on 12.18.09 4:17 pm | Permalink
“Did I leave a nice enough comment? Am I annoying someone if I G-chat with them? Did my email come off weird? Do they really like me, or am I being included out of pity? Am I cool enough to be here?”
Me, too!!
Which is so weird because I’m really confident about other things. But, I guess what it comes down to is… I feel socially awkward. So so so socially awkward. But why? Why why why? And how can I learn to stop being that way? Le sigh.
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By Andrea on 12.18.09 6:02 pm | Permalink
Ooooh, I do that too!! Since I’m a lazy ass, will you let me know how it’s going in February?
And then let me know how you did it? Cause I’d loooove to stop.
(ps: You’re not judging me negatively for being lazy are you? Shit. See? I can’t stop)
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By Dysfunction Junction on 12.18.09 6:07 pm | Permalink
Oh, I do the same thing! Anytime someone says, “Oh, I have to talk to you about something,” I automatically think I did something horrifically wrong.
And don’t even get me started on blog comments! There are so many times, I’ll have written a comment, thought it was stupid, erased, and don’t leave a comment at all. (I actually did this exact thing on your “hat” blog yesterday.) And it’s especially hard when they’re going through something or have a really sad post. I don’t want to offend them or make them mad so I may just leave a “Praying for you” or no comment at all.
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By Stephany on 12.18.09 9:40 pm | Permalink
Did I tell you about the time the principal’s secretary told me I had to meet with her? I was racking my brain, trying to figure out what the hell i did wrong.
Turns out, the principal wanted to meet with me to ask me to help some beginning teachers with some things because she thinks I’m great at behavior management. It was SUCH a good meeting, but I freaked out SO much beforehand.
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By kel on 12.19.09 6:22 am | Permalink
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