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So, normally I save this stuff for my weight loss blog, but I just have to talk about the gym for a minute.  It pains me to say this, but I think I am slowly turning into a gym person.  I KNOW.  No one is more surprised by this than I am.  Here’s what tipped me off: I forgot to set my alarm on Tuesday morning but at 4:35 my eyes snapped open and off I went to the gym, happy as a clam.

Something is wrong with me.

Still, not everyone is supportive of me being up in the gym working on my fitness—in fact, there are like, 30 people who are completely trying to deter me.

Who are these awful people?

The attendees of the 5 AM spin class.

I LOVE spin class.  I love the music and the fact that it’s like riding a bike, sans scary things like people riding close to me and curbs.  I love the way my glutes burn and my fancy shoes that lock in to the pedals.  I love the hills and the fact that it’s basically the ONLY hour of cardio I can do without wishing I was dead.

The problem is that apparently, other people feel that way too.  I showed up at 4:45 AM on Monday morning sure that no one would be as INSANE as me, and I’d have no problem getting into a 5-freaking-AM spin class on a Monday morning.  I approached the desk at my gym and requested to be added to the list, and was told, “The class is full.”

WHAAAA?

So, yesterday morning, I woke up at 4:20 and arrived at the gym just after 4:30.  Again, I approached the desk and was DENIED.  Seriously?  30 people are 30 minutes early for a spin class?  At 5 AM?  Back when I was thin and hot and spinning my rear end off on the regular, I had NO PROBLEM rolling in 10 minutes before a class.  Apparently, the times have changed.

If I don’t get a handle on this, I will completely blame these 30 crazy early birds for the fact that I’m not a toned goddess.

On Friday morning, I plan on arriving at 4:00 am and napping on a bike until the class starts.  Okay, so, I’m kidding.  But I will be paying the nominal fee to reserve my bike, something I didn’t know I could do until uhhh, this morning.

VICTORY WILL BE MINE.

Maybe this makes me a weirdo, but honestly, I enjoy doing things by myself.  I have absolutely no qualms about running errands alone, seeing movies alone and on occasion, dining alone.  Typically, when I eat by myself, I get a few sympathetic glances, but I seriously don’t care.  I bring a book or papers to grade to something to somewhat occupy my time and I’m good to go.

Yesterday, I had a little bit of time to kill between work and my crochet class.  It was freezing and rainy and for some reason, I had a hankering for won ton soup.  There’s a Chinese restaurant in downtown Sacramento that I love and have often eaten at, usually while grading essays.  I decided it’d be a perfect day to stop for soup.

I sat down at my table, ordered and started reading when I could feel someone’s eyes on me.  You know the feeling?  You just know you’re being watched?  I tried to slyly turn around, and when I did I saw the offender: a man, probably a few years older than me.  He wasn’t exactly my type as the date of his last shower looked questionable and he looked a little “rough around the edges.” 

“Hey!” he yelled.

I turned around slowly, trying not to pee my pants in fear.

“You wanna eat with me, lady?” he asked.

I politely declined, uttering something about my book and the soup and turned back around.

I have to admire this guy’s tenacity, because he didn’t let that stop him: he turned his cell phone on and started blaring some R&B music that I typically categorize as “baby-making music.”  He accompanied his jams with some whistling, and man, it was hard to resist going over there.

After a few minutes, he took his eggrolls and went home, giving me a wink and a smile on the way out the door.  By this time, the large round table next to me was occupied by four women, probably in their late 50’s.  I was just getting back into my book and enjoying my soup when one of them said, “Excuse me?”

I looked up to see ALL FOUR OF THEM STARING AT ME.

“Sweetie, you’re too cute to eat alone!  Would you like to join us?”

I smiled and thanked them, but inside, I was thinking REALLY?  REALLY?  I do happen to be adorable, but come on!  Eating with new people is my worst nightmare.  I loathe strangers and I absolutely hate small talk with a fiery passion.  And these women were doing things like comparing their mood rings and talking about hip replacements, and honestly, I think I’d have rather spilled my hot soup in my lap than consumed it at a table with others. 

Never, ever in my life have I had such a weird reaction to me being alone.  At least some blog entries just write themselves.

Do you do things alone?  Do you invite strangers sitting alone to join you?  Am I crazy?

Last week, I was thrust into a situation with some people who I’ve allowed to make me feel terrible about myself, simply because they don’t really understand me (nor I them!), and have shown some rather judgmental, awful behavior in the past.  I sat there, having had no prior warning that they’d be at said event, and trembled inside.  I checked my cell phone incessantly, clammed up in the most casual of conversations and sat there shit-talking myself until my dearest work friend showed up and rescued me from the wondering why these (admittedly not-so-nice) ladies don’t like me.  The thing that troubled me is that they are not the sort of friends or people I want in my life, but it bothered me nonetheless—all the insecurities I felt when they were in my life regularly came rushing back.

By the time I got in my car that night, I was terribly sad, and drove the entire hour home with Patty Griffin on the stereo and tears on my cheeks and my sunroof open, despite the freezing air,  just so I could breathe.

I never, ever want to feel that way again.

Later, upon re-hashing the incident, I realized why this little encounter bothered me so much: it felt like a microcosm of how I’ve been feeling lately.  It starts with something as small as being left out or being uncomfortable, and inevitably spirals into fears about my layoff, relationship issues and a million other little things that make me feel sad and scared.

I know I’ve written what seems to be this very post over and over again—old habits die hard, and this is an ongoing struggle for me.  I’ve been turning this particular event over and over in my mind, trying to figure out how to write it—how to express the simultaneous sadness and anger that I have allowed myself to feel so inadequate, when really, I know in my heart that I am enough.  Yesterday, I read this post by Kyla and it hit me over the head: I have a choice, everyday.  I can be the girl who is reduced to an iPhone checking mute in the face of crushing insecurity OR I can hold my head up, toss back another drink and make the best of it.  And that’s what I’m trying to be, to do, to become.  I’m asking the Hard Questions, figuring out where I need to be brave and where I need to back down and seeking the answers within, as opposed to measuring myself against the yardstick others hold out for me.

I know for sure that while I may not have it all figured out, I’m closer everyday.

Just wanted to drop in and let you know I can be found in not one, not two, but THREE  other places today:

• I had a pretty awesome small victory in my weight loss journey this weekend—you can read all about that here.
• Awhile back, I mentioned wanting to find a signature drink, and goodness, I found it!  I wrote about it over at my other home, Style Lush.  Come say hi, and tell me what YOUR signature drink is.
• Finally, are there things you want to know, but haven’t wanted to ask?  I’ve caved and joined Formspring.  Come over and be nosy!  But please…play nice.

So, come visit me in one—or ALL—the other places I’m hanging out today.  It’d make my Monday.

Well, it’s Monday again, and I can’t believe it.  It seems like the weekends just fly by!  Here are a few highlights from my weekend:

• A delicious Thai dinner on Friday night.  I’ve always taken a very firm “anti-curry” stance, preferring pad se ew or pad thai, but I tried a bit of yellow curry, and man…I might be a convert.  It was amazing.
• Going grocery shopping at the crack of dawn of Saturday morning.  Seriously, I was the first person in Whole Foods, and I got my dark chocolate non-fat mocha, and dreamily wandered the aisles.  Whole Foods has some affect on me where I can’t help but want to turn into a totally crunchy granola girl, who hikes and kayaks and all that jazz.  Instead, I settled on some organic produce and other delicious goodness, but man alive…that store does something to me.  And seeing my refrigerator and cupboards full of healthy foods makes me so beyond happy.
• I cleaned out SEVEN BOXES WORTH OF BOOKS.  What’s that I hear?  The sound of anyone who has ever helped me move cheering?  It’s true…I have wayyy too many books.  I finally got rid of my college textbooks and other books that I know I’ll never read.  I couldn’t bear to part with any of my childhood books OR The Babysitters Club series, but I did make a huge dent in my collection, which is now contained in two bookshelves and four cardboard boxes.  WIN.
• I hauled my books and two bags of clothes to Goodwill for donating.  And then I took a nap, because of my Morning of Awesome.
• On Saturday night, I went to Elizabeth’s for dinner and to give Senor Pants his birthday gift.  It was really nice to just have a mellow night—I’m so appreciative of friends where we can just hang out and talk and laugh hysterically.  And of their adorable children who are just too cute.
• On Sunday morning, I went out to breakfast, where Andrew and I negotiated the perfect splitting of this amazing Apple Pancake and Eggs Benedict.  We were both happy with the combo of sweet and savory, and I say again, I would rather go out to breakfast than any other meal.  Period.
• Sunday afternoon, I got to spend time with my dear friend Katy.  Katy is loyal, sweet and funny and it was awesome to get to grab lunch and chat for a bit.  I seriously hit the jackpot in the friends department!
• Finally, the weekend capped off with a family dinner of pizza, lots of laughs and the most epic game of Yahtzee EVAH!  I rolled three Yahtzees.  It was amazing, and as always, it was SO GOOD to see my family. 

I wish the weekend could have lasted forever, but alas, it cannot.  The good news for me is that I worked out early this morning, I have a facial scheduled tonight to hopefully combat my skin, which has been acting rather middle-schoolish,  and I’m on the downhill slope to my two weeks of Spring Break, which cannot arrive soon enough.

What did YOU do this weekend?  What was the best part? 

Once upon a time, I was a TV-less person.  I KNOW.  I tried really hard not to be douchey about it.  We’ve all met those people who you can totally feel are judging you with their TV-less eyes when you mention a show, and they say something like, “Ohhh, yeahhhh…I don’t really watch TV.”  And then they rant on about the brain rotting and NPR improving them spiritually and on and on.  I tried not to be like that, because truth be told, had I been making an extra $90 a month, you can bet your bippy I’d have had cable and a DVR and the whole bit installed like five minutes later.  But I didn’t.  So, I did things like READ and PAINT and screw around online, and sometimes, for just a second, I’d fantasize about owning a beat-up Volvo and sprouting food because clearly, not having television was making me like, EVOLVED.

And then, I’d go somewhere that had a TV and would begin to weep at the sight of the Real Housewives or 30 Rock and would go on these extreme TV benders.  I realized quickly that a TV-free existence was NOT for me.  No way, no how.

Still, lately, I’ve been trying to limit myself.  I don’t deny myself any shows—no way.  And by the way, I watch a million shows.  But, what I’ve been trying to avoid is that mindless flipping that occurs, where I find myself watching nine episodes of Law and Order and Friends episodes I could quote in my sleep, and then I wonder what the hell happened to my Saturday.  So, I’ve been weening myself away and trying this whole “be productive” thing, and darn it if it isn’t WORKING.

Now?  I’m kicking myself.

See, yesterday, as I was teaching, I got a text from Andrew that read, “I think our TV just died.”  And yes, it had died indeed.  I wasn’t home, but it went black and started buzzing and then it was just…gone.  So now, there’s a big empty space on our wall, and a huge hole in my heart.  Because HI, it’s the Olympics and Real Housewives is super juicy and I HAVE NO TELEVISION TO EVEN WATCH MOVIES ON.

Hold me.

Apparently, our beloved TV will be back in a few days, and trust me, when that precious flat screen is once again hanging on my wall, you can bet that I’ll never take mindless flipping for granted again.  Law and Order, here I come.

Dear Woman Upstairs,

Hi there!  We’ve met once—I greeted you outside when you were coming home and I was leaving.  I didn’t stay to talk to you for too long, mostly because I wasn’t sure how long I could be nice to you without COMPLETELY LOSING IT about the volume at which you live your life.  The funny thing about apartments is that the people below you can actually hear just about everything that you do.  And I do mean everything.  Maybe you weren’t aware of it…but man, you should be.

I’ll start this off with a compliment: I too enjoy the musical stylings of Miley Cyrus’ epic hit, “Party In The USA”.  Our main difference is that I enjoy them at normal hours, like when I’m driving home from work or out at a bar.  I do not enjoy them at 5:00 am, which is when you start playing Miley…over, and over, and over.  Typically, at that obscene hour I enjoy the sweet, sweet blessed sound of silence.  You do, however, make it easier for me to go to the gym, because it’s better than LAYING IN BED LISTENING TO MILEY.  So, my body reluctantly thanks you.

I’ve also enjoyed learning about the variety of steel-toed footwear available for toddlers.  What?  You don’t know what I mean?  I guess I’m just assuming that your child must be wearing some sort of heavy apparatus on his feet because THERE IS NO WAY A NORMAL TWO-YEAR OLD MAKES THAT MUCH FREAKING NOISE.  I know we all love to sleep in—believe me, I wish that living below you made that possible!—but strapping bricks to your kid’s feet and letting him frolic is really not cool.  At least not for us.

You mentioned that you only have your kid half of the week, and boy, is he lucky.  He might grow up with some definite daddy issues, because let’s just say that I see/hear/experience quite a variety of suitors in and outta that joint.  I’m impressed!  You’re definitely a hottie.  Oh, and if the Miley, the baby, and the men weren’t enough, I was beyond THRILLED to see that you’ve gotten a PUPPY.  Remember how those aren’t allowed in our building?  Oh, no?  Well, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it…I’ll make SURE the office reminds you.

Hope this note finds you well!

Much love,

Downstairs

• So many of you have left kind and supportive comments about my potential layoff.  I still don’t know anything.  There was a pretty significant school board meeting recently, but no one has been notified.  Legally, I have to be informed by March 12 if there’s a chance that I won’t have a contract next year…and I should know by April.  Until then?  Well, we’ll see.  I’ve been trying to enjoy my time at work, to focus on being the best teacher possible and soak in every minute.  Truth be told, I’m not horribly worried—but you never, ever know with the state of California and our education woes.  I appreciate those of you who are keeping your fingers crossed and sending me good vibes.
• Crochet class is going well.  I have a more complete post brewing in my mind, but since it finishes next week, and by then, I will have supposedly completed an entire project, I thought it might be fun to wait to show some photos. 
• I don’t blog much about relationship stuff, but a dear friend (by the way, M, just GET A BLOG ALREADY, haha!) sent me this article about commitment, and I can’t get it out of my mind.
• Vegetarianism?  So, please EVERYONE I KNOW IN REAL LIFE, don’t freak out about this, but the idea of cutting out red meat, and potentially all meat has once again been circulating in my brain.  I didn’t eat meat for a long time, and while just the other night I said, mid-bit of filet mignon, “I don’t think I could EVER be a vegetarian again!” it’s been…percolating.  I think that this whole focus on losing weight and being healthy has just gotten the wheels turning about how to be as healthy as possible.  Of course, in true synchronistic fashion, both Kyla and Doniree posted about this today.  Thoughts and feelings?  Ways to make sure I get enough protein?  Things to eat other than macaroni and cheese, so I don’t gain a billion pounds?
• The sunshine over the last few days has made me ridiculously happy.  I’ve been sporting some big shades, driving with my sunroof open and listening to happy music…it’s amazing how much sunshine affects my mood.
• A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, to my favorite three-year-old, Senor Pants.  Can’t wait to park cars with you soon!

I’ve often said that my personality type is somewhat of an “extroverted introvert.”  I need a balance between social interaction and being a total hermit.  In my early 20’s, I often found myself out a lot—if friends were doing anything, they knew I’d be there in a heartbeat.  I’d continue my pattern of late nights and social engagements until I was sick, exhausted or completely depleted of any energy for work or family or creative pursuits.

A few years ago, I made the conscious choice to stop feeling pressure to go out or be everywhere all the time.  I felt so much more fulfilled when I balanced my time and energy and the things I was doing.  I love the people in my life, but I also treasure the times when it’s just me, at home in my sweats, blissfully alone.  I now schedule my time carefully—making sure I’m never “out” more than two or three times a week.  The rest of my evenings, weekends and free time are spent writing, reading, in my bathtub, or on my couch.

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of blogs, tweets and Facebook posts about feeling overwhelmed by social media and needing a break.  It got me thinking: WHY do people feel this way?  I’m not judging.  Trust me, I have moments when I think that if I read one more tweet, status update or blog post that I’m going to lose my mind.  I’m curious as to how and why people get to a point where completely signing off feels necessary.

I love social media passionately.  Still, there are days when I don’t tweet much, don’t comment on blogs, don’t really look at Facebook.  I blog 5-6 days a week, sometimes more frequently, and sometimes less frequently.  And if I miss a day?  I don’t stress.  Heck, if I wanted to take a WEEK off, I doubt I’d say anything at all—I’d just do it.  I never feel overwhelmed or freaked out by my life online—it’s a balance.  I applaud people for stepping away, but why not work towards managing feeling balanced all the time?

I am NO EXPERT, but here are a few things I actively practice to keep myself sane online:

• Set time limits. I usually try and do all of the “most important things” for my day before I crack open Google Reader.  I might read it at lunch or if I have a spare few minutes in the morning, but I never, ever feel pressured to do so.  I get to it when I get to it, and some days, I have oodles of time to comment and sometimes, I don’t.
• Using “hide” on Facebook and “mute” on Brizzly. I don’t mean to be rude, but there are some people who I’m sure are lovely human beings that rub me the wrong way.  Rather than “UNFRIEND” or announce “Sometimes, I just have to clean house online!” and going on an unfollow spree (something that can be hurtful!) I just hide them, if it’s Facebook, or use Brizzly to mute them.  It avoids the passive-aggressive or hurting of feelings, and it gives me a breather.  And?  They’re none the wiser—they can still “see” me and I get their @ replies.  No harm, no foul, and if the day comes that I feel more hospitable, than I can unhide and voila!
• Being careful about what I blog. If there’s a controversial topic I’m considering writing about, or a very personal story I’m not sure about sharing, I try and think it through and wait before I post it.  If it’s something that I’m sensitive about, I will usually decide against sharing.  It’s not that I’m not genuine or vulnerable on my blog—it’s that I believe that my blog should enhance my life, NOT stress me out.
• Live a full life offline.  No offense intended here friends, but sometimes, it concerns me when I read about people placing too much worth in their online life.  I LOVE my blogging friends, the 20-Something Bloggers Community, and am looking forward to Vegas.  That being said, I’m conscious of spending time offline with those I hold dear.  I have a job that fulfills me.  I have a family that I value.  I have a variety of activities: reading, crochet class, writing in my journal, etc. that are important to me that don’t involve being online.  I think that at the end of the day, as amazing as blogging and being online is, my offline life deserves the majority of my energy—and that’s where I put it.
• Bear in mind that social media and the Internet is there for your convenience. Again, there are no rules.  I spend the majority of my days on “Invisible” on G-chat.  My iPhone is surgically attached to me…except for when I don’t want it to be.  I don’t have to check Facebook or Twitter or read blogs that annoy me: I can choose NOT to.  So can you.  It’s all your choice.

This post isn’t meant to be preachy, but just to remind my other social media obsessed friends that there’s no pressure.  Enjoy being online—and never apologize for those days when you need to be away.  It’s all about balance—and don’t worry, we’ll be here when you get back.

How do you stay sane online?  Do you take social media fasts?  Do you ever feel overwhelmed?

How was your weekend?  Mine was lovely, thanks.  It’s still going on, actually…I don’t return to work ’til tomorrow, something that makes me unreasonably happy.  I plan to do nothing today, since the first two days of my weekend were a bit busy.

On Saturday, Leslie and I decided to venture downtown for brunch and a movie.  Maybe you remember this little gem of a video.  So, a good portion of this (completely ridiculous video, by the way) centered on the idea of riding the Light Rail, which is Sacramento’s version of public transportation.  We were shooting photos near the Light Rail station by Leslie’s house and decided to use it…except, I’d never actually been on the Light Rail.  It’s not really near my house, and okay, fine: it freaks me out just a bit.

Still, on Saturday, we decided that in the name of being able to indulge in mimosas freely at brunch and Adventure, it was the day for me to try it out.  And it was awesome.  Sure, there were some colorful characters, but that just made for awesome people watching, which is one of my favorite things ever.  The only truly scary moment was when the doors shut in my face, and I needed to get off because the train was out of service after that stop, so I just did what any totally normal, capable person would do: BANG ON THE WINDOW GLASS.  Sure, there was a little button there, clearly reading “PUSH TO OPEN DOORS” but I figured that frantic rapping on the window was better.

Good call, Amy.  Banging on the glass of any sort of huge moving vehicle is clearly the best way to escape.

After a delicious, ridiculously filling brunch at Tower Cafe, we journeyed over to the Tower Theater to watch An Education.  The movie was totally adorable, plus it combined a bunch of my favorite things: British accents, being an English teacher, France and French culture, and general loveliness.  It is very deserving of it’s Oscar nod, and you should see it.

The movie itself was lovely, but I’ve ranted before about how much I dislike bad behavior in movies.  It seems that I am forever seated next to the loud chewers, the laughers, the person with the hacking cough—and this movie was no exception.

We were seated near the back and sort of away from others because I don’t like people sitting near me.  About halfway through the film, these two elderly women come shuffling through, loudly excusing themselves before settling in behind Leslie and me.  Their entrance was annoying enough, because they were both carrying enormous bags of crap and were not making any effort to be quiet while entering.

Once they were situated, directly behind me, one of them started talking, saying, “Do you want to see something else?  I know you’ve already seen this…” and the other one responded in turn, “Oh no…” and then PROCEEDED TO EXPLAIN THE ENTIRE PLOT.  Like, giving character’s names and details of the early portion of the film and ON AND ON AND ON.  I could hear the people next to them quietly issuing the standard “Shhhh!” but these women WOULD NOT STOP.

So, what did I do?

Turned around, and said in my best teacher voice, “EXCUSE ME!”  They gasped and mercifully SHUT UP.

I really don’t know where that came from.  I am NOTORIOUS for being annoyed as hell, but refusing to say anything.  Somehow, these women really got to me—maybe it was the fact that they’d clearly snuck in AND the talking?  I don’t know.  But Saturday will forever be known as The Day I Was Rude To Old Ladies.  Or maybe, the day I stopped dealing with them being rude to me.  Either way, it was completely out of character.

So, to recap, while I can’t navigate public transportation, I can get two 80-year-olds to stop talking in a movie.