I don’t have any real coherent thoughts. I’m tired. I promise that I won’t just write that every Friday. But really, so tired.
Here’s what I’m thinking about this week:
- New Job is amazing. Weird thing: my desk is basically in front of a glass door, glass windows, etc. so I’m in a fishbowl. Our offices are located between a Starbucks and an Amtrak station, so this means I constantly have visitors. In the past five days, I’ve witnessed wedgie picking, some aggressive makeouts, nose picking and my personal favorite, a man who spotted me working at my desk and decided to LICK THE EFFING WINDOW. Who does that?
- The fact that Flipping Out returns on Tuesday makes me happier than just about anything.
- The fact that I’m not in NYC for Blog Her as originally planned gives me the sads. Though, I really am thrilled about new job, so it was a worthy trade. Next year, Blog Her. NEXT YEAR.
- I had dinner with an old friend last night (Hi Kimell!) and it was so lovely to see her and pick up where we left off. I’m really into friendships where you can talk surface stuff, but can also delve right into what’s really going on. It was nice to be completely honest and real about things and still laugh about life. Kimell met me at just 18 and has seen me through a million things. It was so great to reconnect.
- Okay, so my love affair with Bethenny Frankel just gets worse every week, but guys: she’s SO EMOTIONAL now that she has a baby. I’m already the most emotional person ever. I think I’m more afraid of crying 24/7 than I am of the actual birth process. I mean, will I ever stop crying once I give birth?
- Speaking of things that make me cry, your comments on my last post were so amazing. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
What are you up to this weekend? I have no real set plans. My hopes: to clean my house top to bottom, practice sewing, get a mani-pedi, do my laundry, and see my family.
So, tell me what you’re thinking about and your plans for the weekend. I’d love to hear what’s up with you.
This post is one of the more difficult I’ve ever had to write, though I’ve written it before, over and over on my blog and in my mind.
It’s about weight.
I hate that I’m here writing again about the fact that despite my best efforts at the beginning of the year, in the middle of the year and in spurts, I’ve still yet to lose weight. I hate that seeing photos of myself makes me cringe/cry/want to crawl in a hole. I hate that recently, someone actually made fun of my weight, and that it made me cry, even though I could not care less about that person. I hate that I’m afraid that more people will use this as an opportunity to do it again, or will judge me as weak or lazy or what have you.
I hate that I feel like a failure because I’m still hung up on this.
Beyond the obvious issue of the way I look, I hate that there are physical issues. I know it’s not healthy for my body. I know that I already can’t do certain things I want to feel good doing. I want to have an active life: to ride my bike around my neighborhood and run and swim and be active. I look at so many people who are living healthy lives and enjoying it. I know rationally what I need to do: I need a routine, to track my food, to exercise, to be positive about my body image. And it seems I start with the best intentions: I track and workout and tell myself that it’s going to be different this time.
And then, before I know it, I’m back at my old habits.
I’ve written about this here before, but there was a time in my life when I was thin. Scary thin. And I was obsessed with weight loss. I ate very few calories, worked out for hours and was generally very unhealthy about things. It was an obsession. I don’t want that again. My life is full of amazing things, and I don’t want to spend hours at the gym or log time obsessing about calories when I could be out living.
When I think about what I want out of this situation, I want to feel good. I want to shop for clothes in a smaller size, but more importantly, I want to not worry about how fat I look all the time. I want to be able to pose for photos and look at them without crying because I hate the way I look. I want to really enjoy outdoor activities because I can move and run and be free. I want others to not look at me and see “the fat girl.”
I want my body back, but I also know I need an outlet for some of my anxiety. I feel better when I’m working out, both mentally and physically. And while I know that, I still struggle to feel motivated.
I need to make this a non-negotiable.
I’ve re-joined Weight Watchers, something that terrifies me, because I haven’t always had the best success with it and I literally have a million issues with food. It’s easy for me to want to quit because I see that I’m not being perfect, or I get embarrassed about tracking my food. Still, the positive side of doing Weight Watchers was a daily awareness of my food intake and a place to be encouraged in regards to eating well. I have never been a fan of diets where you’re given an actual meal plan to follow, so I like that I still have some freedom.
I’ve also set a mini-goal of running a 5K on Thanksgiving. I ran a few years ago and I was painfully slow. I found out recently that the people from my job run in this yearly event and I want to be running alongside them. I downloaded the Couch to 5K program…again. I’m looking into ways that I can do physical activities that I enjoy, like riding my bike, taking walks with Andrew and swimming.
While yes, mentally and rationally I know that there’s more to me than my weight, and more to life than being thin, I also know that so many things in my life have come together. I love my job, my apartment, my relationships. This is still an area I’m struggling with. I want to conquer it, just as I have the other things.
I’d love your encouragement, your tips and especially the reassurance that y’all don’t think I’m a lazy whiner. I appreciate you letting me share something so hard to write about so openly.
Ever since I heard about Crown and Crumpet in San Francisco, I knew I wanted to go. It’s the most adorable little tea room, decorated in a whimsy, quirky style, reminiscent of Alice In Wonderland. I’ve been obsessed with this place for over and year now, and yes, as the title of this post says, it is on my Life List.
Yesterday, Elizabeth and I embarked on an adventure to Renegade Craft Fair in San Francisco, which was awesome and completely inspired me to come home and make cute stuff before heading on to Ghiradelli Square to meet up with Kristin, Amber and Nicole for some tea and crumpets.
The tea shop was SO CUTE and we enjoyed tiny sandwiches, scones, crumpets, and an adorable little plate of sweets. It was a perfect afternoon of girl time and delicious little snacks.
Some photos:
It was a really great afternoon and definitely one of the most fun things I’ve ever done in San Francisco. While it’s been checked off my Life List, I’ll definitely be going back again as soon as possible.
{last two photos by the lovely Kristin}
I’m so tired but in the absolute best way. Work is good, and I’ve been spending time with friends and I’ve got a lot to look forward to. This weekend, I have the bridal shower of my sister-to-be, time with good friends, a trip to Renegade SF for some crafty fun and a stop at Crown and Crumpet with lovely friends and hopefully, some sleep along the way.
I wish I had exciting, fun things to share, but the big thing I’ve been working on for work launches next Monday, so I’ve been preparing for it. I’m so proud of what we’ve done, and if you’re a local, you might want to check it out, here.
Since I am currently devoid of anything amazing to share, I thought I’d show you a few of my online haunts currently offering up some awesome posts:
- This isn’t really a blog, but the Action Method? Well, it’s changing my life. I love being able to manage all the little things I’ve got going on in one place, plus, having the help of an iPhone app. It’s amazing. I’m still on my free trial, but I can almost guarantee that I’ll be signing up for the paid version when it runs out.
- The lovely Liz posted a list of all the things she’s looking forward to about fall! I’ve been thinking a lot about crunching leaves and admiring my argyle cardigans—this list just served to make me more excited.
- One of my favorite humans ever, and blogger extraordinaire Doniree, has been writing these amazing Off The Mat posts, and I particularly enjoyed this one, about self care and a calm presence.
- I’m a complete Yes and Yes fan girl, which I’m sure you already know, but I am currently working my way through her Wanderlust Workbook. While I doubt I’ll quit my job and run off, I do love the general planning tips for travel. I’m still hoping to pull off a trip to Paris next year, so this is extra timely.
- I loved this post by Jamie, my love. She always puts things in the exact right words.
So, I’m off for a full Friday and a very fun weekend. What are you up to? I hope it’s lovely, friends. Take good care and I’ll see you Monday!
I’m not gonna lie: I tend to sort of scoff at people who take “technology fasts.” I guess I’ve always thought I was pretty good at stepping back, at leaving my phone alone, at not being connected. I’ve never felt the need to disconnect completely, mostly because I like technology.
This past weekend, I had the chance to really step away. Andrew’s friends invited us up to their cabin, where cell reception was spotty at best. At first, I felt sort of anxious: minimal tweeting? Facebook barely loading? No Google Reader? What was I going to do with my free time?
I had no problem filling it. Andrew and I took a hike along the lake, without phones. We enjoyed the trees and the water, and most of all, one another’s company. We spent a night on the porch over a lazy dinner and wine, talking and laughing. Andrew and I spent the morning sitting on the dock over the lake, dangling our feet in the water and reading. I finished an entire book in one day, just like I used to as a kid. We watched a thunderstorm roll through and breathed the fresh air and chatted.
Once we got back into town, I had a massage (my body has been in major pain lately!)—another hour without phone. When I emerged from that room, I noticed I felt so much happier. Lighter, even.
Lately, I’ve been making a conscious effort to not watch TV unless it’s a show I’m in love with. I’ve read five books in the past three weeks, something I used to do all the time but haven’t done in forever. Andrew and I have been walking more and I’ve been listening to more music.
While I’ll probably never be a “technology fast” person (and can’t really be, just because of the nature of my job/hobbies), I am definitely reaping the benefits of stepping back occasionally: good reading, good conversations, and a good feeling of TRUE relaxation.
And reluctantly, I must admit: not having technology has definitely helped.
Do you step away from technology completely? Do you take mini-breaks? Why or why not?
I am many things. Many lovely things, I might add, but among the not-so-nice: a worrywart, a priss and if we’re being frank, kind of a baby.
As you might remember, Andrew got me an adorable blue cruiser bike for my birthday. While I rode it occasionally, now that we’re living downtown, there really is no reason why I shouldn’t be riding my bike to the office, especially considering that I now work only 2.5 miles from home.
The thing is that I was scared. I mean, everyone and their mom rides their bike in Sacramento, but STILL. I’m a baby, like I said.
Last week, during a welcome lunch with my boss, he offered to ride to work with me, as we live close together and he promised me a route that involved the river, few cars and a “lovely” ride that only took 15 minutes. Of course, my inner worrywart went all crazy with the WHAT IF’S involved in that. CARS! FALLING DOWN! MY SKIRT BLOWING UP! BREAKING MY MACBOOK IN MY INEVITABLE DEATH SPILL!
Still, I agreed, sure that I could handle it. I mean, I’d have someone else riding with me, a safe path, and a relatively short ride. What could go wrong?
Well, boss did not show up. He had a morning commitment I didn’t hear about, and after I waited for a few minutes, I realized that if I wanted to make it on time-ish, I had to leave IMMEDIATELY. I despise lateness, and even though my new job is cool, I really don’t want to be that New Girl Who Is Late. It definitely added some drama to the trip: how fast could I pedal? WOULD I MAKE IT? (Spoiler alert: I did.)
So, first and foremost: I didn’t really have a route. Sure, I had some vague directions, but I’m kind of anal retentive (understatement of the year). I spent much of my ride mentally wringing my hands, trying to figure out where I should cut across town and such. A word to the wise: do not bike down streets without bike lanes. I never paid attention before, but suffice it to say, I will now.
I found the little path I’d been told about and made it over. But then things got dicey. I had to ride BACK to the other side, and while I’d heard there was a back way that would place me squarely in the parking lot of my office, I didn’t find it. Instead? ONCOMING TRAFFIC.
Thankfully, I maneuvered onto the sidewalk…where a rather portly man in a suit decided it’d be funny to stand in my way, moving back and forth so I couldn’t stop without hitting him WHILE GUFFAWING AND MAKING HAND MOTIONS. I uttered a phrase I cannot blog (HI MOM) and he turned around and left me alone. I was not amused.
Still—I MADE IT. I made it alive. After consulting with a few other bikers in my office, I think I’ve found a better route, one that is quicker and most importantly, safer.
Despite being kinda scary, I have to admit that riding to work was nice. I get some cardio outta the way, and it was much more amusing than a half an hour on the elliptical. I felt sort of brave, conquering a fear, and Sacramento really is a lovely city. I’m not polluting the air. Plus, my bike is freaking adorable, and it’s fun to use my gift.
Sometimes, scary things end up being really good for us, right?
You can bet your bippy I’ll be taking two wheels to work again tomorrow.
My lovely friend Nora often lists her “confessions” on her blog. Today, I thought I’d do the same thing: share some silly things that I don’t normally share. My one condition? You MUST do the same in the comments. Deal? Deal.
My confessions:
- This video makes me cry, every single time.
- If anyone ever heard me and Andrew talk the way we do behind closed doors, I WOULD DIE. We have this completely schmoopy secret language that we both claim to find ridiculous, yet use anyways. I secretly love every minute of it…but still don’t want anyone hearing it.
- I screen all my phone calls, unless it’s work, my family or someone I know I want to talk to. I know, I’m awful.
- I recently unsubscribed from upwards of 50 blogs. It felt amazing.
- If I don’t go dancing every few months, I feel…trapped. I’m not a great dancer, but man, I love a good booty shaking.
- Foursquare makes me RIDICULOUSLY ANGRY. Please, for the love of god: do not check in and share with Twitter or Facebook. I know you can keep it secret…for the 24 hours I used Fourquare, I did. It annoys me like no other when people check in every little place and TWEET IT. Sheesh.
- Sometimes, in the car, if I catch a minute of Christian radio and it’s on a hymn I know, I’ll sing along. It reminds me of being a kid, and that makes me happy. I still miss that part of my life sometimes.
- When I talk to someone who doesn’t “get” blogging and I mention something that a fellow blogger has done, or something I’ve read on a blog, I just say, “My friend…” It’s easier.
- I don’t really do the bad boy thing, but there’s something about both John Mayer and Don Draper that just…speaks to me.
- I realize this is an oxymoron, but when I read tweets and blogs of people who are forever grumpy or upset, I just wonder why they bother sharing that. I don’t need to read every little gripe. I have enough of my own and I try not to poison Twitter with constant bitching.
- I was an English major, and I hate Shakespeare, Twain and have never read Dickens. I KNOW. I KNOW.
- If I find a food I enjoy at a restaurant, I eat it every time I go. I like routine.
- I know I want kids, but the idea of being pregnant scares the living hell out of me.
- I am going to start riding my bike to work, and I’m deathly afraid that I’m going to be hit by a car.
Okay, your turn: tell me your confessions, please.
This time of year always releases the worst kind of nostalgia in me. School supplies have appeared, and for the first time since I was five years old, I don’t need them, because I will be neither student, nor teacher. I’m not sad, per se, just perplexed by this shift. Buying new school supplies, first for my backpack and then for my classroom, has been the way I’ve marked time for so many years. It seems weird that this year, it just doesn’t matter. I have no need for those things, and that feels strange.
Every year, when the college dorm stuff starts hitting the shelves, I feel this ache inside for all of the choices I didn’t make: the choice to go away to college, to have those transformative experiences I feel like everyone but me has had, to be 18 and carefree and still innocent. I feel the weight of all the things I didn’t do on my shoulders. I see the kids I used to babysit, now my Facebook friends, taking off to college or enjoying the summers between high school years, and I want to shake them by the shoulders and say, Don’t put it off. Don’t hold back. Don’t wait for anyone or anything—do everything your heart desires, right now, while you still can. I wonder about who I’d been had I dared take that advice, had I dared to leave all I know. I wonder about the girl I would have been.
It’s not that I’m unhappy with my life, because these past few weeks have found me happier than I ever dared to think I’d be again. I find my journals from earlier this year where I write about the things I have wanted so badly: to live in downtown Sacramento, to have some mini-adventures, to have a job where I can shine and feel happy and needed. I look around my life and I realize that yes, it’s all happening, and I feel overwhelmed with the sheer joy that all that hard work, all that angst, all those fears have dissipated into something lovely and amazing.
Still, summer with all its memories of popsicles and playing outside and reading books and swimming, brings out a sort of sadness, not because of what is, but because of what I know is to come. Maybe it’s because I know that fall marks the start of things dying off. Leaves change and things shift and people go away and before you know it, winter with its unforgiving gray is here. And while I love the cool mornings and the crisp apples and the simple joys of wearing sweaters and tights, I’m always anticipating those winter months. Perhaps that’s my biggest problem of all: the fact that I’m always anticipating.
I envy the people who can just enjoy: the people who aren’t always stuck in the past or contemplating the future or waiting for the other shoe to drop.
This summer, instead of being nostalgic for all the choices I didn’t make, I want to hold fast to the choices I did make. I want to anticipate, but not worry. I want to plan, but not get wrapped up in the future. I want to make popsicles and go swimming and enjoy all the good things happening right around me, before it’s time to add blankets to the bed and start carrying sweaters. I want to be driven by nostalgia, not to feel sad, but to make sure I’m taking all those chances, so that next summer, instead of looking back on all I didn’t do, I can fall asleep tired by all the good things I’ve been up to all year long.
One area in which I consider myself to be incredibly blessed is the friend department. I have some girlfriends that I’ve known forever—as in they’ve seen my elementary school mullet, were probably forced to sit through my squaky clarinet concerts while seated on the floor of our elementary school cafeteria and are in birthday party photos of old. I picked up a few friends along the way in high school, a few more in college and in various work situations. And while I don’t have that sitcom-style group of friends where we all have our roles and scheduled cocktail nights, I do have friends who make me laugh, friends who will totally accept my psychotic rambling phone calls and my large circle of blog friends who email, g-chat and send snail mail across the miles.
Since I’m so lucky in friend-love, I thought I’d share a few of the awesome things my friends have done for me, things I do to try and show them love and other tips on how to be a truly exceptional friend:
- Be there. Show up—in the literal and figurative sense. If your friend joins roller derby, go to her bouts. If she starts an Etsy shop, buy something (she won’t even notice it’s the cheapest thing if you’re on a budget—I promise!). Take an active interest. And if you can’t be there, still be there. Seriously, friends: it doesn’t take much. Send an email or a text. Leave a voicemail. Facebook, if you absolutely have to. But don’t forget that even if you’re not there in person, your support matters. In the age of adulthood, where jobs and significant others and partners and other commitments take time over girls nights and dinner dates, it’s easy to lose touch. Be the catalyst for keeping in touch.
- Listen. I think it’s a sad fact that during conversations, most of us are just waiting for our turn to talk. Be willing to listen fully. I have a few friends who are exceptional listeners, and I think it’s one of the most admirable qualities in a person.
- Be positive. I am sure that my friends are laughing their heads off that I’d give this advice, but seriously, be positive. I so appreciate the friends I have who aren’t overly-annoying rays of sunshine, but who are simply positive. If I have an idea, they cheer me on. They don’t bash our other friends. Even if I know the salad they ordered is disgusting, they don’t complain too much. I like being around people who add joy to my life—and I’m trying harder to be one of them.
- Don’t keep score—but don’t hold on. I struggle with both of these things. By don’t keep score, I mean, don’t worry so much about who sent the last text or arranged the last brunch date. If you want to hang out, make effort. Don’t get caught up in the petty score-keeping of who called who last. Sometimes, I’ll delay contacting friends only to hear, “I thought you didn’t want to hang out with me!” Don’t wait to make effort. On the other hand, no one likes a smotherer. In fact, if I get too many calls/emails/texts/wall posts, it’s unlikely that I’ll respond and want to hang out. We all get busy, go through funks or need space—if a friend you love seems to be pulling away, let them have their space. It’ll all shake out in the end.
- Appreciate them. I’m a big fan of sending cards to deliver those little sentiments: the “I love you” the “You make my life better” and the sincere “Thank you for being a friend” type thoughts. If writing isn’t your thing, yelling it across the dance floor while groovin’ to Ke$ha will do, but nothing beats a sincere love-fest once in awhile.
- Be inclusive. I so appreciate people who don’t mind me bringing Andrew, another friend I think would mesh well or a co-worker along for festivities. It’s a good feeling to know that anyone will be made to feel welcome. While I crave one-on-one time with some friends on a regular basis, for larger group events, I like to know that everyone is always invited.
- Reach out. During one of the hardest times in my life, I spent many a night on my couch with a big ol’ bowl of Lucky Charms, crying my eyes out to Extreme Home Makeover. After a few weeks of this, I was surprised to hear a knock at my door, and opened my door to see my friend on my stoop, holding a bottle of wine, brownies and a copy of Zoolander. That night was the first of many that pulled me out of a funk—and I loved her for doing it. Pay attention and reach out in unexpected ways.
I’m definitely not a perfect friend, but I’m thankful to have many friends who come pretty darn close.
How do you show love to your friends? What makes a good friend in your eyes?
I feel really fortunate to consider Kyla not just a blog role model, but one of my blog BFF’s. I first fell in love with her lovely writing, a mix of design and honest stories, and then came to know the girl behind the blog, and she really is lovely, through and through. Kyla is wise, kindhearted and determined. She’s also been through quite a few changes in the past year or so, making her a perfect person to ask about how to start fresh.
Read on!
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You declared last summer your Summer Of Starting Over. Can you talk a little about how that came about, what you learned and/or gained from it and how it changed you?
The Summer of Starting Over was a series I started on my blog that followed me as I worked through leaving the entertainment industry and figuring out what my new path was going to be.
I had been working in an intense marketing position in music- I loved the creative workplace, but there were challenging personalities and putting in a lot of time on top of the work day was a fact of life. I’d been working in theatre and film since I was in high school and that life had started to lose its appeal after lots of time spent backstage and in green rooms. I got to a place where I had to decide if working all the time and going to shows was going to be my lifestyle, or if I wanted something else.
At the end of it I decided to dream up something different for myself. I enrolled in classes, took a really different job & started digging into my passions. The best thing I gained from it was defining myself by my interests rather than by my job.
You seem to be incredibly confident, and I know that confidence is hard-won. Can you talk a little bit about developing that unshakeable confidence?
I changed schools a lot when I was growing up, and I had to work through a panic disorder when I was in my late teens so my confidence isn’t something that came easily to me. I think it comes from constantly having to make new friends when I was changing schools, I learned how to get to know people and convey who I am quickly. When you’re always the new kid, it’s a survival thing, but it’s a great life skill.
In my day to day life I never think about being confident but I always try to be kind and positive. Online and offline I surround myself with people who inspire and encourage me, and I try to inspire and encourage them back. It makes the world feel friendlier, and taking risks isn’t as hard when you have a positive mindset and feel supported.
Your life is changing in regards to profession. How did you figure out what it was you wanted to do? What did you do with that understanding to lead you to where you’re at today? How did you go from vision to action?
I figured out what I wanted to do by following my passion. I’ve been writing, designing, and making things since I can remember, but my work has never really engaged those skills. After working in all kinds of offices and feeling out of step in all of them, even in a non-traditional industry like entertainment, my husband finally pulled me aside and asked if maybe a traditional job just isn’t going to work for me.
After I realized that might be the case (and that it wasn’t the end of the world!) moving to action has been really natural. Instead of trying to force myself to be happy in a situation that’s not working, I’m building a life where my work is something that I love. I think it’s about dreaming big, and not being afraid to try things. It takes a lot of time and work, but my happiness is worth fighting for.
What advice would you give to someone who’s in the process of starting over? What concrete steps would you urge them to take?
It can feel really overwhelming, but take it a piece at a time and work through it with determination and passion – this is the one life you get! It’s not a contest or a race, and you’re not supposed to be born knowing exactly what direction (or job posting) your happiness lies in, it’s hard for almost everyone, and that means you’re not alone. Keep yourself positive and curious, and if you’re having trouble seeing a clear direction for yourself ask your friends and family for help- they might see things about you that you’ve missed.
And watch old movies. They always end with everything falling into place in the last scene, and when things in your life aren’t neat it helps to feel like maybe you’re just waiting for Act Three to start.
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A huge thanks to Kyla for sharing her wisdom with us! Isn’t she amazing?
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