On Friday, I shared the joys of my Christmas with Andrew. I was so touched by his sweetness, particularly when it came to the ring. The fact that he managed to surprise me, to go to the trouble of ordering it special, to be so sweet and considerate meant the world to me.
The questions started. Are we engaged? Why is it on “that” finger? And truth be told, I didn’t mind. I know that most of the questions were meant out of pure love. Out of genuine happiness. Out of the fact that y’all are used to be sharing everything in the world, and you wanted to know. Let me be real, y’all: after I call my parents, I WILL TWEET AND BLOG MY FACE OFF UNTIL YOU ARE SO TIRED OF HEARING ANYTHING WEDDING-RELATED. I know that most questions were meant with a good heart, but let me be honest: I was just happy. My boyfriend spoiled me, and I was thrilled. I felt good about it. End of story. Truth be told, the questions made me a bit sad: wasn’t it enough that my boyfriend got me a ring I loved, and a camera, and that we shared an amazing night? Couldn’t that be good enough?
I received an “anonymous” email (by the way, HELLO, ANONYMOUS, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!). In light of all of the questions, via tweet and on the post itself, this person took it upon herself to write and tell me exactly what she thought about me wearing my ring on the “special” finger. I was informed that I don’t understand marriage, or value commitment, because of the fact that I’m divorced AND now, I’m cheapening my relationship and the institution of marriage by wearing the ring on my ring finger.
There are so many things that I wish that people understood about me. And commitment, and my views on it are one of them. I could never, ever fit them into a blog. I understand that there is a stigma attached to being divorced. I’ve written about my story, sure, but let me assure you: you don’t know the whole story. To try and share the private story of two people (one of whom isn’t “present” and therefore, represented), in a short series of writing, is impossible. Suffice it to say that unless we’ve talked, unless you know me, and my heart, you don’t understand. It was not a starter marriage. It was not a joke. It is something that changed me deeply, forever and always. The fact that it’s something that I’ve endured does not mean that I don’t take commitment seriously. If anything, I’d say it’s the opposite. It’s made me more wary of it, but also more serious about it. It’s made me stop and wonder; to examine my own life, my own role. I absolutely refuse to get married again until I know, without a doubt, that it’s forever.
As far as me and Andrew go, again: you don’t know the whole story. You don’t know the things we’ve shared. You don’t know our hearts towards one another. I can’t convey certain things about how hard we’ve worked to get to this point today. Commitment scares me. I was happy alone, and free; yet, I am committed to showing up, to being with Andrew, everyday. I wish there were certain glimpses I could give you of how happy he makes me. I wish I could record clips of us laughing hysterically, or show you how it feels when we support one another, or entertain you in our home so you could see “us”. I wish you could hear the words and sentiments of those I hold dear, who say things like, “I’ve never seen you so happy!” or “You guys are perfect together!”
There is nothing cheap about our relationship. There is nothing wrong with me wearing a ring that he gave me on the “special” finger. We are committed. We are in love. We are together—we live together, we are together, we choose each other. And where we are right now is perfect for us.
I feel as if I have worked hard—and we have worked hard—to carve a path that works for us. It may not be your path. It may not be the path that you feel to be right. But it’s not your path. I like to think that the world is big enough for us to maintain divergent paths, ideas and views, sans judgment.
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Beautiful. I really wish that people didn’t feel the need to give their opinion on things when they have no idea about any of it. I feel for you. I get the “You are too young to get married” bit all the time. One person actually said to me “Most young couples get divorced, you really should wait”. I just really wanted to punch her in the face because just like you, she has absolutely no idea about my relationship, about me , or about my fiance.
Good luck to you and the ring is beautiful!
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By Haley on 12.23.09 5:56 am | Permalink
I’ve never commented before, so hi. It’s a beautiful ring and Andrew very sweetly got it for you. Screw the haters. You know what goes on between you and he. Enjoy it
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By Rebecca on 12.23.09 7:13 am | Permalink
Man oh man. The nerve some people have. I didn’t think wedding at all when I saw it because, like, if it was you would have said something. I didn’t notice the part where you said it was on your wedding ring finger but you know what, a finger is a finger, it’s YOU who puts meaning into something. I mean, I’m sure you’ll have a lot of questions if you do that, but I don’t think it’s a bit deal. If anything, just tell them it’s the only finger that it fits on. Anyway, I hate when stupid people tell other people that they are judging them. I mean, it’s one thing to think thoughts privately but unless you’re endanger of hurting yourself or others (which you’re not) just keep your trap shut. Ugh. The nerve!
Anyway, hope you have a Merry Christmas!
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By Allison Blass on 12.23.09 7:34 am | Permalink
Wonderful post… it sounds like you guys have an amazing relationship. It sucks that people are so quick to judge – I went through the same thing when David and I got engaged, because I’d been engaged before, and because he was from a very traditional family where people didn’t live together before marriage, and they waited 5 or 6 years before getting engaged. Naturally after moving in after 6 months and getting engaged after 15 wasn’t in line, and with my relationship past, came a lot of questions and a lot of judgment.
You’re absolutely right – nobody will ever know the intricacies of anybody else’s relationships, and have no right to judge!! You sound like you have a truly wonderful relationship – enjoy it, make your own meaning, and just do what’s right for you without worrying about other people. You two are blessed to have each other and I’m thrilled for you
Have an amazing Christmas!!
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By Emily Jane on 12.23.09 7:48 am | Permalink
i am going to kick whoever sent you that email right in the tights.
and your ring is gorgeous.
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By Kori on 12.23.09 8:00 am | Permalink
LOVEEEEEEEEEE this blog and respect your thoughts and ideas. I feel the same way and you said it all perfectly, like always.
Thank you…. and I’m sorry someone took it so far as to email you with such horrible words. People need to understand not everyone will live the exact same lifestyle and that’s OK.
What you and I have gone through will only make us stronger and our future commitments stronger and more genuine. To say that a relationship after a divorce doesn’t mean a thing?! That breaks my heart that people think that way. My current relationship is so strong and feels MUCH different than any other bond I’ve hand with someone…including marriage.
So sad people are in such bubbles with their thoughts…
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By M on 12.23.09 8:17 am | Permalink
Wonderful post and the ring is beautiful!!
I wear a ring on that finger – as nothing more than a symbol of my commitment to my current relationship. And there’s nothing wrong with it. Nowhere is it written that that finger should only have an engagement/wedding ring on it. Whoever sent you that email is full of it.
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By Ari on 12.23.09 8:18 am | Permalink
Shame on anyone, anonymous or otherwise, who thinks they know you, know what’s best for you and/or knows how you should define your life. The one good thing that came out of that completely unnecessary, holier than thou email is that you were not hurt by it, but instead feel stronger than ever about where you and Andrew stand … as you should!
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By SoMi's Nilsa on 12.23.09 8:52 am | Permalink
Good for you for standing up so firmly for yourself, your relationship, and your views on it. I know but just a small fragment of the bigger picture, and it just IRKS me that someone felt the need to judge you, your circumstances, and your present relationship. The “special” finger is tradition, and traditions change and vary with people. Will I cheapen the institution of marriage when I wear a dress with color instead of a pure white one? What if I don’t get married in a church (I don’t want to)? So few things about the ceremonies and parties I want to someday surround and celebrate my marriage are traditional, and I believe that makes it richer and more personal FOR ME. AH, I’m a bit upset for you, but I am so, so glad to see how you express yourself and how you defend yourself without defending yourself – because lord knows, you owe no one an explanation. Merry Christmas to you and your love
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By Doniree on 12.23.09 9:17 am | Permalink
oh amy! dust off the haters and keep doing whatever you’re doing because I know you’re happy! love you!
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By Chi on 12.23.09 9:51 am | Permalink
I have a special finger for all your haters….
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By Deanna on 12.23.09 10:24 am | Permalink
This is why I don’t deal well with hate mail, my blood is boiling for YOU and all I wanna say is for them to eff off.
But btw – your ring is gorgeous and the relationship that you and Andrew have is incredibly special. Don’t let anyone in your life cheapen that for you.
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By Cass on 12.23.09 10:40 am | Permalink
I don’t understand why people feel the need to take it upon themselves to email you and tell you how horrible you are for wearing a ring on “that finger”. Seriously, get a life. I don’t see anything wrong with you wearing the ring there. Andrew got you the ring, you love it, you love him, that’s all that matters!
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By Angela on 12.23.09 11:07 am | Permalink
Ok so I read this like an hour ago and have been stewing over it and thinking about you so I had to come back and comment. I really feel your pain — Garrett and I have been together for over 4 years and we can’t even schedule a quick weekend away without friends/family/coworkers saying “oooh, do you think he is gonna propose?” I usually answer No (No I don’t think he is going to propose at his grandmother’s funeral this weekend, thankyouverymuch) — and people inevitably then say “Wow, but you guys have been together for so long, what’s the hold up?” and that’s when I feel annoyed. I know most people genuinely just want to share a fun moment with me (yay proposals!), but every so often there are those people who get judgy and make me feel like I have to defend my relationship, my perspectives, my ability to not be panicked that I am in a long term relationship that is committed and loving and feels just right for me and you know what — EFF THAT! No one knows the intimate details of anyone else’s relationship or why it works for them, so shame on anyone to write you a nasty email or leave judgy comments. Shame on THEM!
(Jesus, what a novel…sorry, this got me all riled up!)
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By Holly on 12.23.09 11:13 am | Permalink
So sorry to hear that someone made such horrible comments and assumptions in regards to your post. Marriage never even crossed my mind when I read your post. I love reading your blog and absolutely love how open and honest you are with your readers while still maintaining your privacy and never going too far. I especially love how gracious you are in hard situations and how beautifully your words flow across the screen. Keep it up, girl!!
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By Jennifer Olson on 12.23.09 11:13 am | Permalink
I love this post so much! I don’t share the same views and want to remain a virgin and in separate homes before I get married. But this is just the way I was raised and what I believe in.
I would NEVER send an e-mail, spouting off that wearing a ring on “that finger” speaks badly upon the unity and sanctity of marriage. It is not my place to say that. I don’t believe by wearing a ring on “that finger” does any of the above.
I don’t know much about your past, where you’ve been, and the things you’ve seen. I love how firm you are to your convictions and honest you are. Great post!
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By Stephany on 12.23.09 11:32 am | Permalink
Hello anonymous, jealous much?
Seriously, where do people get off imposing their crap on other people, and in the process trying to sabotage relationships and friendships. I personally never wear jewelry on ‘that’ finger, but fingers are there to be adorned with beautiful jewelry! And maybe some other useful stuff, but mostly to look pretty
I love the ring, it’s gorgeous, and I love that you guys picked out such thoughtful gifts for each other.
Merry Christmas Amy
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By Nicola on 12.23.09 11:53 am | Permalink
The nerve of some people never ceases to stupify me. I’m so sorry that happened. It’s WRONG. And? I freaking love your ring and please wear it with pride on WHATEVER finger you choose (although I would be tempted to swap it temporarily to my middle finger and post THAT for good ole anonymous commenter. Shame on them).
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By Manda on 12.23.09 12:53 pm | Permalink
I’m so glad you posted this, I think you know how agitated the response you were getting made me and I just wanted to say that I think you’re amazing. I think you and Andrew are amazing, I think your heart is amazing, and I think the assumptions that people make about us can at times be equally amazing.
Im really proud to know you in the little way I do <3
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By Kyla Roma on 12.23.09 1:11 pm | Permalink
That makes me sad that people feel the need to judge you and place their own opinions on your life. The older I get the more I realize there are no rules, esp when it comes to relationships. Wishing you the best!
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By Molly on 12.23.09 1:11 pm | Permalink
That whole special finger stuff is ridiculous. I used to think that way out of pure superstition — as in “oh, I better not wear a ring on that finger because then I’ll never get married” (and yes, I’m a bit crazy)
But then I grew up. And it just so happened that my fingers got fatter and the “special” finger is the ONLY finger certain rings will fit on. And since I’m not married, there’s nothing else taking up space there so it’s really just another finger! In fact, I’m a little concerned what I’ll do once I do get married and have to wear a ring on that finger every day. What will I do with all my other fabulous rings?!
Good for you for not letting some little immature comment get you down…and for wearing a ring however and wherever you please!
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By A Super Girl on 12.23.09 1:39 pm | Permalink
It seriously blows my mind that anyone would even notice what finger you were wearing your ring on, or that they would CARE AT ALL. Wow.
Anyway, you rock on, because you are awesome, ring and all.
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By Elizabeth on 12.23.09 2:00 pm | Permalink
I didn’t comment on the first post but I too assumed while reading the first post that if it were an “engagement” ring you would have mentioned that, and my only thought was, “I wish my boyfriend had given me jewelry”!
Something special to wear given to you by someone you love is never meaningless or cheap. You’re so lucky to have someone that would hunt out a ring for you and understands you well enough to be able to give it to you without worrying about how you’d “take” it’s meaning – you’re both secure and in love, so hang the rest!
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By Janie on 12.23.09 2:33 pm | Permalink
Good for you! I applaud you for writing this, for answering questions that are no one elses business and for saying what needs to be said. When we open ourselves up on our blogs, people forget that what we write is only a part of our story, not the whole story. You and Andrew are amazing.
I wear a ring on my “special” finger on occasion. Sometimes its even a band ring, I dont wear it because I want to give off the vibe that I’m engaged or marries, I’m not playing pretend. I just really like that ring and it just so happens thats the finger it fits on.
For me, a ring on a certain finger doesn’t make the relationship special or real. What the relationship IS makes the relationship real.
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By mandy on 12.23.09 4:21 pm | Permalink
hey friend.
lovely post, spoken truly and honestly from your lovely heart.
i’m so sorry to read that people feel the need to pass judgement on you and your relationship, especially about something so sweet and innocent as a ring for Christmas.
the ring or any other object does not cheapen or change the commitment you have chosen to make to eachother. heck, if a ring is a symbol of being committed, i am screwed since i have been ringless for the last nine months. note to self: better get on that!
anyways, you and andrew are a joy to be around and, as you wrote above, i have not seen you this happy in a long while. you deserve it, friend.
love you.
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By Jill on 12.23.09 5:19 pm | Permalink
This was a very interesting post that really made me think about my relationship. Sometimes I forget that not everyone has the same viewpoint as myself. I definitely feel that “anonymous” stepped over the line. It’s one thing to share an opinion, something else entirely to force it on someone else. I have nothing but admiration and respect for how you’ve dealt with it, and all the other questions.
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By Mandy on 12.23.09 5:23 pm | Permalink
Okay, shame on anonymous. Ugh. I don’t think there’s such thing as a starter marriage… I think everyone who’s in their 20s and divorced really and truly believed it would work out. To put them down and say that it was a starter marriage, that they didn’t understand commitment, is hurtful.
I feel your pain.
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By Ari on 12.23.09 6:49 pm | Permalink
People need to keep their opinions about your relationship, and your jewelry to themselves. I sympathize. I recently got engaged (wooohhooo), and chose to wear my grandmother’s ring, with a wrap that my fiance and I picked out. People are always like, “let me see the ring” and then seem to be less than enthusiastic or else fake over-enthusiastic about the fact that it’s pretty small (hello, my 20 year old Grandpa bought it for my Grandma right after the war, of course it’s small). I started out trying to explain-it was my Grandma’s- as a way to say why it’s not a 3 carat Tiffany solitaire. But, you know what-my relationship, and the ring I wear is my business alone. So-good for you, enjoy your ring, however you want to wear it. Thanks for standing up for yourself, and in a way, for all of us.
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By Kate on 12.23.09 9:27 pm | Permalink
Duuuude, people are weird. Kind of like when people didn’t think I was for realz engaged because I DIDN’T have a ring. GAH.
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By maggie on 12.23.09 9:37 pm | Permalink
Commitment is showing up. Marriage is a piece of paper. Ask anyone who’s ever been in the trenches what’s more important: paper or a commitment? I think most sane people would agree.
Also, I’ve seen you and Andrew in person and you’re refreshing and inspiring. Anyone who disagrees has some jealousy to work through.
xoxo
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By She Likes Purple on 12.23.09 10:06 pm | Permalink
Amy, I’m so sorry for the negativity from small minded people. Very selfish and ignorant for them to dampen the joy of Christmas and Andrew’s giving with there opinions. The ring is great, totally lovely, so your style, very considerate and thoughful from Andrew, and a special gift. What normal girl doesn’t like Jewelry?! Or a ring? Is it required you have to have a piece of paper from the State ALLOWING you to recieve one from your beau?
Regarding the finger your wearing it on, maybe you SHOULD change the ring to another finger, um…your middle finger, have Leslie take a picture, email a letter with said picture attached simply saying…
“Thanks for your opinion. Are you happy now?”
Love you friend!
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By Gina on 12.24.09 11:08 am | Permalink
What??? I can’t believe someone sent you an e-mail like that. Well, actually I can believe it. I got an e-mail this week telling me that I share too much about my infertility, and that it’s inappropriate.
Still, what a rude thing to say. It’s your relationship…and no one knows the ins and outs of your relationship better than you and Andrew. He gave you a lovely, special gift….and that IS good enough. I am so happy that you have such a special relationship…and if marriage is right, it’ll happen when you are both ready.
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By Erin on 12.24.09 1:08 pm | Permalink
Heh, laughing at Gina’s suggestion above! Brave post Amy. I did notice that you were wearing it on that finger but I figured that was your choice and you either weren’t engaged, or you weren’t telling yet. I assumed the former. And I’m so glad you got a beautiful gift given with love from your boyfriend, you should choose to wear it any way that works for the two of you.
Laura
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By A Little Coffee on 12.28.09 1:17 pm | Permalink
I have several friends who wear rings on that finger and aren’t engaged/intending to be engaged/married and etc. I’m not here to ever judge anyone or what they do. As long as you are happy that’s all I care about. Boys who give thoughtful presents? Pretty much the best thing ever. I’m thrilled that you are thrilled and smiley and happy and loved. Case closed.
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By Nora on 12.28.09 11:06 pm | Permalink
For Valentine’s Day last year, J gave me a ring and a necklace. I felt semi-guilty because I pressured him into buying it for me. Needless to say, I wore it with pride on my ring finger. We considered it a promise ring. I quit wearing it when things got tough in our relationship and I knew we weren’t far from the end. After breaking up a few weeks ago, I thought back about that ring and what it meant. Our relationship wasn’t a joke nor meaningless. I’m not sure what to do with the ring, it wasn’t terribly expensive I’m sure. But I’ll keep it and wear it when I think of him or just when I feel like being pretty. It still means something, maybe not what it originally meant, but it’s not useless.
Congrats on your ring. Wear it with pride. And who cares about the haters. Let them hate; it means they’re thinking about you. xoxo
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By Erin on 12.30.09 10:24 am | Permalink
sigh. people piss me off. when they ask questions that are about me and a certain young man that start with “why?” or “but what about?” or “what if?” i want to gouge their eyes out while screaming in their faces “DIDN’T YOUR MOTHER EVER TELL YOU TO MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS?!?!” so congratulations for not being like me. gouging eyes out is not nice behavior. probably neither is the other thing. doesn’t stop me from wanting it, though. as jamielovely has said, haters to the mother fucking left. you and andrew know what’s best for you and andrew. keep up the good work.
(’twas a gorgeous ring, btw.)
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By raeleigh/bigskygirlmt on 01.03.10 5:33 pm | Permalink
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