Those three little words…
Posted by admin on February 3rd, 2010. Filed under: life with titch, loving, loving the questions themselves, things i worry about.{photo via weheartit}
Yesterday, I read this post and it really struck a chord with me. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, Spring is coming near and as they say, “love is in the air.” The post above (go read it—I’ll wait) made me think about my own history with saying, “I love you.”
I am not sure why I have such weirdness about saying it. I come from a family that is big into saying “I love you.” Nearly every phone call, email and/or text between me and my parents and my brother is closed with some variation of the phrase. I have never, ever doubted that I was loved and cared for by my family. Even when things were rough in my life, I knew, to the core of my being, that I was deeply loved and I was told on a daily basis.
The first time someone told me they loved me in a romantic way, I was 16. My first boyfriend told me he loved me after our long-distance relationship had been building for nearly four months. I still remember hearing him say those words over the phone line on my 16th birthday (True story! Driver’s license AND first I love you on the same day!) and feeling like the luckiest girl alive. When we broke up, I told him over and over, “But I love you…” and knowing he didn’t feel the same was crushing.
I’ve only been the first to say it in a relationship once, and it was basically the scariest moment of my life. We’d had really strong feelings for one another so quickly, and I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he felt the same, but I couldn’t even say the full phrase. I said something like, “I think I’m falling for you…” and he said he loved me, too. I didn’t even have to do the hard work! A guy I dated briefly said it to me over dinner once…and I said the dreaded “thank you.” I felt terrible, but I know I would have felt worse saying it back when my heart hadn’t caught up to his just yet. We broke up shortly after, and I felt truly terrible. Somewhere along the way, I resolved to never, ever say it first, out of protection for my heart, and out of the fear that someone would thank me, the way I’d thanked him. Once it has been said to me, I say it with reckless abandon—but I suppose I need to know that those feelings exist first.
When it comes to friends, I am just as stingy. I have no problem writing it in an email, texting it, or tacking on a “Love ya!” but as for looking at a friend I value and care about and saying, “I love you” I just can’t do it. I feel silly and weird, even if I know there is deep love, as there is in so many of the relationships I treasure. What is WRONG with me?
The thing is that I wish I said it more. I wish it didn’t leave me paralyzed with fear to tell someone the way I feel. It seems so out of character for me, too, because with the people I know and care about, I am an open book. I have no problem telling someone I adore them, I’m thankful for them and I am glad they’re in my life. I have no problem writing it. But the eye contact, the awkward way the words hang, the not-knowing…it stresses me out.
Am I nuts?
How do you feel about saying I love you? Do you say it early and often, or hold out? Who are you NOT saying it to that you wish you were?
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:40 am
Yeahhhh I didn’t believe in love for a really long time. That was an awkward period. So I totally feel you.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:42 am
Love isn’t about saying those three little words for me. The words “I love you” are so abused that they have basically lost all meaning to me. I declare my love for people/places/things without any thought or hesitation. (You bought me lunch? I love you!)
My love is about my actions. My willingness to drop everything to rescue a friend, to lose sleep over a fight, to give up my last can of diet coke to my boyfriend – that is my love. I always look for these things in return – I don’t care how many times you say you love me and that I’m important to you, if I don’t see the proof (the actions) then I don’t believe it.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:50 am
Some people toss around those three words so casually. I say “I love you” all the time to my friends and family, but I can always feel the difference between when I’m saying it in a “bye! love you!” kind of way or when I’m pausing in the middle of a conversation and saying, “I LOVE you, you know that??!!”
As for who I would like to say it to…hmm…well, I think you probably know the answer to that one…
Wonderful post, as always.
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:30 am
Wow, you’ve really got me thinking. I try to tell my parents I love them as often as I can. We live far apart and it makes me want them to know that even more than if we lived close. Other than that, I’m not sure really. The love I feel for a few close friends (and believe me, I’m embarrassed at how few) is somehow different and harder to express. And if I ever find someone who can accept my many flaws and get past the terrible defences I find so hard to put down, I’ll let you know how the “love yous” go. As always, thanks for making me reflect.
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:37 am
hmm, my family was the exact opposite. we NEVER said “I Love You”, we still don’t. but somehow we’ve all always known that we do, we know how important we are to each other and we’ve never uttered the words. even with friends, i write it easily but i never really say it. actually i’m somehow able to tell my nieces every time i see them but no one else in my family or close friendships.
but when it comes to relationships i have always been “love happy”. i’d say it first, i’d say it often, and i’d say it even when it was nothing more than mild lust. i guess i had confusion about it. i look back now and think of all the people i told that i loved them and really i probably only loved 2 of them (out of double digits i said it to). but to me it’s okay, love is totally subjective. that’s what makes it so confusing for people… everyone describes what it is… but it’s different for everyone. and it changes as we grow older. the love i feel for my husband is something i never experienced for anyone i ever dated before him and i guess that’s how i knew he was the one for me… but that doesn’t mean what i had with those others wasn’t “love”, it was just different a different kind.
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:14 am
I’m the same way with my best friends. I figure its just understood that I love them to death – I know they feel the same about me. I also have severe issues with hugging them . . . I can give acquaintances hugs, no problem, but my besties – it becomes some sort of awkward dance that ends with us waving at each other.
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:23 am
I don’t say those words unless I really mean them. But to those I do love dearly I tell them every single change I get. Its not uncommon for my best friends and I to end our phone conversations with a “love you.” When I was 16, a close friend of mine was killed. I didn’t say those words to her, face to face, when I had the chance and instead said them over her headstone. If you love someone tell them, now.
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:41 am
I think at times like this we have to prioritise what’s more important – is it more important to not risk being awkward and never telling someone how you feel, or is it more important to realise our time here is finite, and anything could happen – the thought of something (heaven forbid) happening to someone I love is devastating, so at the risk of coming off awkward sometimes, I try every so often to just tell them how important they are to me, and how much I love them.
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:49 am
You know why I think “I love you’s” are not that huge of a problem for me to say in German? Because we don’t say “I love you” (literally) unless it’s in a romantic relationship. In German, for friends and family members we use an expression along the lines of “I hold you dear”, which is much easier to say and throw around than “I love you”.
“I love you” is reserved for your partner ONLY.
I am using it the same way in English (only for my husband), even though I have used the occasional “love ya” with friends.
I am with Martina: Love is about someone actions. If someone says “I love you” and his/her actions don’t reflect the same, then it doesn’t mean anything.
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:56 am
Oh this is hard! I guess my main thought is that I’ve given up being cool. I would rather tell my friends that I love them, I would rather tell Mister I love him (even when we were dating and everything was uncertain) when I felt it because it’s my truth. It’s true for me. Other people’s responses, while they’re great and relevant for them, don’t really effect what’s true for me if I’m not expecting anything back and am just expressing where I am.
When Mister and I were first dating, I told him I really liked him and he said “Do you love me?” and I said yes. And he was like “Thank you”. I was SO MAD! (In a joking way) and asked him if he loved me. He said “Not yet, but I will”. And it was perfect. We were both honest. What more can you want?
If it’s hard for you to say, you can show it through your actions, but I think that being in a stand off where you won’t express something you feel in your bones until someone else does is tough. I think that, in part, the important things in life are supposed to be hard and squirmy and awkward. It’s pushing through that makes us brave.
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:28 am
I say it to my boyfriend on a regular basis but I completely agree that it can feel VERY awkward saying it to a friend!
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:01 am
Like most people I use the word “love” when talking about Starbucks, snowboarding, my new jacket… but when I tell someone I love them I mean it.
I am not afraid to tell my girl friends that I love them. And if I text it or email it I do not abbreviate it or alter it. I say “I love you.” I remember a few moments with these friends when I wondered what they were thinking when I said it, but when it is reciprocated with the same words, or a hug, or tears, then I feel wonderful knowing that the most important relationships in my life are based on love.
I believe we need a little more caution with “I love you” in romantic relationships, but with my friends and family, I share those words often.
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:40 am
I love this post! (I guess I say that on every one, huh? Must be something to that…:P) Anyways, it made me think, too. I’ve been on all ends of this story, haha. With every high school boyfriend I had I tossed the words “I love you” around like they were candy. I was obsessed with love and love stories, I wanted so badly to be in love that I would say it just to be able to say, “Yes, we’re in LOVE.” I’ve never received a “thank you”, but I have given one. It was to my first “serious” boyfriend when I was 17. He said the three little words on the SECOND DAY. Yes. I was like, “Awww, thank you, but I just can’t say the same right now. I mean, it’s only been a day.” Haha. I ended up saying it that weekend, just…because, once again, I wanted to be in love. Then with the next guy {my future ex-husband} I think I was just so enamored with the thought of my first relationship with an ADULT that I said it within two weeks.
And what’s funny is that, with my current boyfriend, I waited FOREVER to say it. We’d known each other almost a year, and had been dating for about 3 1/2 months. And because we’d been such good friends before anything ever happened, I already knew I loved him from the moment we started dating. But I guess I kind of thought (in my own twisted mind) that the only way I could prove to him that it was true love (and not just some candy I was tossing around) was if I waited as long as possible to say it. What kind of weird logic was that? And then because I was waiting so long, he was waiting too. It’s actually hilarious because the one person I WAS in love with, was the one I waited the longest to say it with. We spent months dancing around it… “I LIKE you sooo, so, so much, you have no idea,” and “I care about you so much, there’s not even a word for it” lmao. So serious. I finally spit it out one morning in bed, and he said it too, and we laughed at ourselves all morning and cuddled in all our lovey-doveyness.
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:40 am
PS: Hello, novel!
Sorry about that. It happens.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:04 pm
My high school boyfriend decided to drop the L-bomb one night when we were on his couch making out. I decided to proceed as though I didn’t hear him and the asshole REPEATED IT. Eventually it got to a point where I couldn’t just be nonchalant and kiss my way out of it and then finally I think I said it back just because the awkwardness of NOT saying it was just too much. Eventually I convinced myself that I did and a few months later he dumped me because, omg, I was going away to college in the fall. And I was like “What the hell? It’s only APRIL.” And then I was sad and then I got over it and quite frankly none of the relationships I’ve had since then have ever gotten to a point where it was said, because it wasn’t there. And I have a big ol’ fucking hole in my heart because I’ve never, actually, truly been in love. (At least not a love that has been reciprocated). And it sucks.
I think, though, that for as much as I’ve been rejected and mentally screwed with, I would have a hard time saying it first. Unless it was so definitively real that I HAD to or I’d burst. Or, you know, that I was at least confident enough that it would be returned. Which I’ve never been, because I knew it wouldn’t.
So, how’s that for depressing? Ha.
This is why I wrote about shampoo yesterday on my blog. Because my life is empty and null of anything of meaning. Haha.
*sob*
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:38 pm
The very first time I said it, I didn’t know what it meant. The 2nd time, I really did mean it.
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:44 pm
I’m like you, it’s really hard for me to say it first but once it’s out in the open I say it all the time.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:05 pm
Dang, first of all…. you are so popular! I feel so lame posting a comment after the other 20 comments above mine.
Second… I don’t really have any suggestions or help because I am the SAME way. I don’t have a problem expressing my appreciation for friends and family, but saying that phrase to a friend seems a bit awkward.
I would also like to know the percentage of people who have said I Love You in their teens…. and also how many of the people they have dated they have said it to.
This is very interesting…
I also find that people will say I love you if they have been with a person for a long time and not sure where the relationship is going. Saying I Love You would validate the relationship when in reality, it is just lingering….
I’m babbling, but this topic is interesting to me
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:13 pm
I’ll say it to my family and friends. When it comes to guys . . . not so much. It’s self preservation. And it’s always turned out to be the right instinct.
There’s no one I’ve NOT said I love you too recently that I WANT to say it to. So I guess that’s a good thing!
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:41 pm
You are most definitely not nuts. I’m the same way, which is not to say that *I* am not nuts because I am, just for totally unrelated reasons.
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:26 pm
Ooohh. My family is the same way as yours, we say it in every conversation pretttyyy much! And the same with the fiance.
I should probably say it to my friends more often, now that you bring it up! Cause I totally love them too!
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:53 pm
I have no problem at all saying “I love you” to my family or to the friends who I do truly love – and happily, there are a great many of them. But relationships? I can’t say it. I don’t want to say it. And… I don’t know, I can’t decide whether I even believe in it for myself anymore…
February 4th, 2010 at 8:46 am
I’m with Hannah. I say it all the time, but, well, differently, yanno?
February 4th, 2010 at 10:22 am
I have a problem with it, too, but I’m not sure why or if it’s really a problem. Weird, I know. I think my hesitation to say it stems from being too concerned that other people will think I’m a) weird, b) insincere, or c) saying it for something to say. I’m fairly reserved with my affections, even in that honeymoon stage of relationships, and find that I say those three little words less often than the folks around me. It’s never actually bothered me until my husband, who is so much more romantic and mushy than I am. Maybe I’ll break out of it – I certainly want to stop being so reserved all the time.
February 5th, 2010 at 6:16 pm
I say it freely with my husband, family and close friends. If I say it to someone and it’s not reciprocated, I won’t say it again because I just figure they aren’t feeling it or aren’t into expressing it. It’s that simple really.
February 7th, 2010 at 1:09 am
Interesting point of view about those three words. When I was the rebellious teenager I didn’t say “I love you” to my parents… it was more like, “Love you” or “Me too”. I have no idea why it felt weird but now I’m fine with it. With my husband he told me he loved me first and I couldn’t say it back because I didn’t feel the same way at first until a few months later then I finally said it back to him.
February 8th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
I say it to my family all the time.
And to my very nearest and dearest friends as well.
But I struggle in relationships saying it.. Irish wanted me to say it more. I felt that saying it more would water it down, make me too vulnerable, hurt too much if it didn’t work out. I said it once and was told “wow, that’s awsome,” as he walked away to call the girl he wsa cheating with me on so I will never, ever, say it again first. ever.
It’s definitely not an easy thing to do or say.
But when someone says it and means it? I am over the moon with joy.
February 9th, 2010 at 4:09 pm
i’m pretty much the same way too. it’s easy to do it in print, but much more difficult to say out loud. why IS that?
i find that over the past few months, though, it’s gotten easier. i say it to the fiance with ease, though i don’t like to say it too often. i don’t want the meaning lost in routine.
in my family, i’m starting to say it more. lately i’ve simply begun to show my family that i appreciate them more. i don’t really know what’s changed to be honest, but i feel like they just need to know that they’re important to me. even though they already know it.
it’s probably just that saying it is being so vulnerable and being vulnerable, even with family, is scary. it’s not so much a fear of rejection but just being afraid of being vulnerable.
just my two cents. visiting from tabitha. thanks for sharing.
February 15th, 2010 at 2:11 pm
I have a hard time saying it. I have a few friends that I’ll say it to. I have geniunely loved three boys my entire life. And I get severly annoyed when someone says “Luv you” or “Love ya” after I’ve said/typed “I love you.” Something about the short version just doesn’t seem genuine to me. And, as sad as this may sound, I can always tell when my dad has had a few drinks because he’ll tell/text me that he loves me. I’ve never doubted that he did, it’s just not an everday occurrence to hear it from him or say it to him. It’s saved for travelling, major events, or serious talks.
Oh, and I’ve never said I love you first. And I may use this as a springboard for a blog post of my own, haha.