I have a confession. I’m sleeping with someone I haven’t told you about. It’s been going on for a long time. My whole life, basically.
That, my friends, is Pink Bear. Pinky, to me.
Pink Bear was once a baby pink, fluffy bear. He was given to me by my great grandparents when I was born. We’ve basically been inseparable since then. I have many childhood photos of me clutching Pink Bear, napping with Pink Bear and he was always my constant companion.
As a little girl, I always had a routine for falling asleep. I’d lay my head on Pink Bear, and poke my pinky finger through this little tag sewn at the bottom, making sure the edge was under my fingernail. I also sucked my thumb. I don’t do that any more, but I still find Pinky incredibly comforting: the smell of him, the feel of him, the touch of that stupid tag, which has been sewn and re-sewn. Pink Bear probably contains more of my tears that any other pillow or person’s shoulder. When I am sad, stressed or upset, the first thing I reach for is Pinky.
Over the years, I’ve seen a variety of reactions to Pinky. My friends teased me as I got older, and I learned to leave Pink at home for sleepovers, but I still slept with him at home. Some boyfriends have been repulsed by him, others have found it exceptionally strange. For awhile, I put Pinky on a shelf in my closet, sure that I was too old to have such a thing. Still, on any bad day, he’d find his way back to my pillow and I’d sleep deeply once again.
When Andrew and I first moved in together, he thought it’d be hilarious to HIDE Pink Bear. I was getting ready for bed, couldn’t find him, was starting to panic, and then Andrew sent me a ransom note text. Instead of laughing, I burst into tears and sort of freaked out. He was so stunned, and I think for the first time ever, realized that my feelings for the bear are serious.
Maybe I should be embarrassed to be 26 years old, and still clinging to a comfort object, but I don’t care. I really don’t mind if people think I’m crazy or weird or immature. This shabby, threadbare little animal makes me happy. I love the comfort he brings me. I love having a comfort object near me, something that makes me feel happy and secure, especially while falling asleep. Weird? Probably. But it’s one of those things that makes me Amy.
Whenever I think about Pink Bear, I think about this:
“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
—-The Velveteen Rabbit {Confidential to J & H: HA.}
- – -
Don’t worry, Kori {OMG ROOMIE!}—I’m not going to bring him to Vegas.
Am I alone here? Does anyone else sleep with a stuffed animal or a blanket or anything? Is anyone willing to admit it to the Internet?
39 Comments so far
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I have a pillow that I hug. It’s one of those neck-roll pillows, and I hug it unforgivably during my sleep. If I’m not hugging it, it’s resting at my side.
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By cuppycakes on 02.11.10 3:13 am | Permalink
I have a bear that is with me in bed when I sleep; it’s only a recent addition but it brings me comfort. My best friend died last year and someone sent me the bear with some flowers as a condolence gift, and it reminds me of her
Nothing wrong with that!
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By Lizzie on 02.11.10 3:25 am | Permalink
I’ve always had one stuffed animal or another to hug while I sleep. Occasionally I’ll use a pillow, but I like having something tucked under my arm. In fact, I usually have two stuffed animals, one on either side, so I always have one within reach. Currently I have a stuffed Dumbo, a puppy (Izzy), and a new bear. The bear was a gift from my boyfriend meant to replace Dumbo, but I still keep all three of them in the bed with me.
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By Cait on 02.11.10 3:31 am | Permalink
When I was 6 I stole a blanket from my 2 year old brother that was his favourite. I’ve never given it back.
It’s the blanket I want to wrap myself up with when I read a book. It’s the blanket I will go looking for when I go to bed. I won’t let other people sleep with it because it’s mine. I don’t need it go to sleep but I like it. I figure it’s no different then people who need sound machines, white noise, 20 pillows sleeping pills, complete darkness… they’re all there to comfort and lull us to sleep.
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By Martina on 02.11.10 5:47 am | Permalink
I love that you quoted Velveteen Rabbit, because that is one of my all-time favorite books.
I have a shaggy white dog who’s been my sleeping companion since I was a baby. He wears an actual dog collar, the first collar my real dog ever had, and he’s also got the shreds of my baby blanket tied around his neck too. I don’t sleep with him all cuddled up with him anymore, but he still guards me from nightmares from his perch in my pillows.
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By Leland on 02.11.10 6:27 am | Permalink
I do. The stuffed animal itself has changed over the years, but I need something to hold when I sleep and the husband cant sleep if I’m holding him. Currently,it’s a stuffed Wally (the Red Sox mascot) that my husband bought me when we went to Fenway for the first time. I bring him when we travel and everything.
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By Tara on 02.11.10 6:32 am | Permalink
I sleep hugging a pillow, but I have two bears I keep BESIDE the bed because I can’t bear (I’m sorry I didn’t intend that!! lol!) to put them in a box just because I’m no longer eight years old
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By Emily Jane on 02.11.10 6:43 am | Permalink
I LOVE that “Velveteen Rabbit” quote!! Ahh, haven’t thought of it in ages. Thank you for the reminder.
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By Hannah on 02.11.10 7:03 am | Permalink
Ah! I love that you still have a piece of your childhood with you. I have a raggedy ann doll that I’ve had since I was a baby. I dont sleep with it, but she sits on my bookshelf. I also have an afghan that my great grandma crocheted for me as a child. I keep that in my room and curl up with it when I’ve had a bad day.
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By mandy on 02.11.10 7:33 am | Permalink
I sleep with two polyfill pillows (one under my head, one to hug) but that’s more for comfort than emotional ‘need.’ I used to have a pillow-ish blanket (it was small and folded in half functioned as a pillow on top of my pillow) that I needed (I would twist my index finger into a hole of the cover) when I was younger.
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By Karen on 02.11.10 7:54 am | Permalink
I totally sleep with a teddy bear that my boyfriend got me first year of college (so he’s only about 3 years old not as old as your Pinky) but seriously, I love him. The smell of him, cuddling up with him, everything!
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By Amber from Girl with the Red Hair on 02.11.10 7:56 am | Permalink
I love that you have your very own, REAL life, Velveteen Rabbit.
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By Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist on 02.11.10 8:04 am | Permalink
I want a Pink Bear of my own. I have to have my pillow, but Pink Bear seems much more comforting. The Velveteen Rabbit quote is so heart melting.
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By Shannon on 02.11.10 8:17 am | Permalink
I’m the same way – I have Squeezie bear. I’ve had him since I was 3. He’s always next to my bed or in my bed with me. There’s just something comforting about always having him near me.
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By Ari on 02.11.10 8:44 am | Permalink
I think my teddy looked something like that, but I haven’t seen him since I was ten or so. He would usually end up on the floor overnight.
I don’t sleep holding anything — even my husband. We have a little cuddle time before falling asleep, but then he turns onto his belly and I turn onto my opposite side and we are separated for the night. I don’t know how I’d ever get fully rested if we were constantly touching/turning together!
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By Ally on 02.11.10 8:55 am | Permalink
I have a little bunny. Don’t tell anyone
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By san on 02.11.10 9:12 am | Permalink
I have something like this but instead of a bear, it’s a pillow. It is SUPER THIN now and don’t even look white anymore in the inside. My mom wanted to replace it once and we got into a huge debate, so yeah i feel ya. The bear still looks so much cuter than my pillow though :p
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By andhari on 02.11.10 9:34 am | Permalink
Gah. I wrote a long comment about my bear, Jolly, and how he’s the perfect size for my arms so even though I COULD replace him with a pillow, why would I?! No shame. But WP deleted my well-worded comment…
The gist was this: Glad I’m not the only one with such a strong attachment to such an old friend.
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By Suburban Sweetheart on 02.11.10 9:49 am | Permalink
AMY!
Just last week I nearly wrote a blog about the whole MENAGERIE of animals that are in my bed. Maybe, inspired by you, I will still do that. But in response to your blog…
I have a stuffed dog that is in terrible shape. He is my Pink Bear. But for his own safety he is now on the chair next to my bed. Once he was spared the torture of my arms I moved on to Senor Osito, who in just a few short years, met the same fate of the doggy and now is banished to the bed rail. If it wasn’t for the fact that they would now be unrecognizable rags, they would still be in my bed. Now I am bringing that same fate to my bear, WG Snuffy Walden. He is hoping that he never gets banished. I cannot sleep without him. He makes me feel comforted and safe and happy. And he has feelings, so I have to sleep with him =)
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By Erin on 02.11.10 10:12 am | Permalink
First of all, that is my favorite part of The Velveteen Rabbit.
Second, here is the post I wrote ages ago about my Foof: http://stateiamin.com/?p=487
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By Erin on 02.11.10 10:51 am | Permalink
I love this!! When I was a little girl I was really sick, and my older sister gave me her pink-rainbow bellied care bear, to help me feel better. I loved it so much, that she let me keep it, and that’s when I named it “Key-Bee” short for Care Bear. Key-Bee came everywhere with me, summer vacations, sleepovers, etc. When I moved out of my parents house after college it got shoved into a box and never resurfaced, moving from each apartment in the same box. After all, I had adopted a puppy, which became my sleeping buddy, and when I wasn’t at my own place, I was sleeping over with my boyfriend. When I moved to California, my faithful Key-Bee finally came out of the box and became my sleeping buddy once more. Now, I’m a 25-year-old that sleeps with a gray (once pink) care bear!!
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By Amanda on 02.11.10 10:53 am | Permalink
This post made me so happy. I have a bear too! I don’t sleep with it every night, but if I’m sad or stressed I take him and out tuck him under my arm and it instantly makes me feel better. My fiance thinks it’s adorable (and it’s also a tell tale sign that I’m needing to talk about something) so that’s why I KNOW he’s a keeper.
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By ButtersandRoses on 02.11.10 11:01 am | Permalink
You know, I’ve got nothing that sentimental, and instead of saying something about being mature, I’m going to say it’s my loss.
That’s one profound bear.
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By nicopolitan on 02.11.10 11:15 am | Permalink
My first teddy bear is still at my mom’s… and will eventually come to live with me again… his name is Uncle Ted Ted. Yep.
I don’t sleep with a blanket, but I always feel the need to have my arms covered when I sleep. Doesn’t matter the temperature, my arms (and at least just my arms) MUST be covered. I actually have a blanket dedicated for this job on my bed. My boyfriend now doesn’t know of this quirk of mine, but The Ex did. And he was always really sweet about it and made sure I always had my arms covered.
… I do still sleep with a stuffed animal most nights, especially if I’m home.. it’s a stuffed Hammerhead shark.
He goes on the night stand if I have overnight company.
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By Erini on 02.11.10 11:21 am | Permalink
Most nights I fall asleep empty handed or curled around a pillow or two. But on the nights I need comfort – or just an extra good sleep – I have a menagerie of stuffed animals. Teddy has been with me since I was a baby – gray now rather than pink, scratched eyes, a fabric heart when his music box was removed – but always my favourite. Doodle I got when I was 8. An unnamed bear (I always forget his name) is from my aunt, uncles, and cousins when I was in high school – a strange gift but I love how heavy he is. Berry came from another aunt, uncle and cousin when I got my wisdom teeth removed. He’s super snuggly. Then there’s Pulkie – an alpaca made from alpaca fur – given to me by Jason after his trip to Peru.
Jason has never had anything negative to say about me sleeping with my bears. I hid them from previous boyfriends, but never from him.
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By Manderz on 02.11.10 11:57 am | Permalink
Your bear looks a lot like mine (his name is Mear Bear). I’ll have to search for a picture of him, but I’ve had him since I was 2. He’s now Kyle’s, which probably means a lot more to me than him.
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By She Likes Purple on 02.11.10 1:41 pm | Permalink
Oh sweetie! I love pink bear! Yes, your mom still sleeps with parts of a very old “blankie”- so you come by it honestly!!!
Love you!
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By Peggy on 02.11.10 3:39 pm | Permalink
Even when I was younger I never had a special stuffed animal or blanket. Weird. I think your bear is too cute!
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By Vanessa on 02.11.10 3:53 pm | Permalink
I love that quote! And I have a stuffed frog I got when I was six and getting my tonsils out. All four of his little brown feet have fallen off, but I still love him.
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By Brittany on 02.11.10 3:58 pm | Permalink
i know a couple friends that still sleep with stuffed animals and blankets or have had the blankets turned into pillow cases, you are so not alone there.
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By katelin on 02.11.10 4:35 pm | Permalink
Awww how cute
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By Walking on Sunshine on 02.11.10 5:59 pm | Permalink
I have lots of stuffed animals but none that I sleep with religiously
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By Ashley on 02.11.10 6:19 pm | Permalink
OK, so before I met Dave, I slept with Dolly. Dolly is a filthy, disgusting, gross rag doll clown that I’ve had since birth. Her (his?) eyes fell out years ago so there are just sockets, there are some nubbins of hair left, and apparently it was once light pink, and now its filthy, filthy brown. Once Dave came into the picture he got so grossed out by Dolly that I couldn’t sleep with it anymore. So he bought me Herbert, a stuffed penguin from the Central Park Zoo, and I sleep with him. And he’s getting gross now too (I think he needs a wash maybe.) And yes I am 26 and getting married in a month and I still need stuffed animals to sleep with, even though my fiance is right next to me.
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By Lacey Bean on 02.11.10 6:58 pm | Permalink
was it real???? hahahahahaha
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By H on 02.11.10 9:41 pm | Permalink
I love this post! Pink bear looks like a very upstanding bear indeed. I actually have 3 bears that make their home in my bed. I know it’s childish, but they are good friends and you don’t part with good friends.
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By ClaireSuzanne on 02.12.10 10:16 am | Permalink
You’re not bringing him to Vegas??? DOES THAT MEAN I CAN’T BRING LLOYD THE PIG?
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By Kori on 02.12.10 12:12 pm | Permalink
i am so glad to read this and know that i’m not the only one. : ) i have a formerly pink bear named Tubbs. I have had him since I was 2 and after high school he lived with my mom and dad until last year I think I finally brought him home with me one weekend. I’ve got a stuffed frog I got from a friend in high school and a cowgirl build-a-bear i got from my old roommate, but Tubbs is the one who is still always by my side. My best friend still has a pillow she’s snuggled since she was about 2 and she’s got 3 kids of her own. : )
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By raeleigh/bigskygirlmt on 02.14.10 4:13 pm | Permalink
I’ve always had SOMETHING… When I was really young it was a small white bear. I still have him, but I don’t sleep with him anymore. For a while now it has been my stuffed Stitch from Lilo and Stitch. I also have to have a fleece blanket. I have 3 fleece blankets and it can be any one of them, but I have to have one.
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By Jaxie on 02.14.10 8:10 pm | Permalink
I have an Annie doll that still sleeps with me. It was the first doll I ever wanted. It turns out I only wanted it because she had a little dog in her pocket which my 1 year old self promptly tore out and stuffed in my mouth. I then threw Annie out the window of the car. She’s been through ups and downs and was taken away several times because I was not treating her well but eventually we bonded and have been inseparable ever since.
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By Grace on 02.25.10 9:41 am | Permalink
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