I got my first job at 11: babysitting. It started with the kids across the street and before I knew it, I was babysitting half the kids from the church I grew up at and their family friends, and suddenly, my weekends were full of coloring books and late night TV and I had my choice of families, usually preferring the ones who bought things like Cherry Garcia ice cream or had cable and good magazines. My first official job was working at the local Bible House, a Christian bookstore, and yeah, you can stop laughing any time. That job included my first Maniacal Boss experience, two women who found it acceptable to communicate via terse Post-It note and pay me minimum wage despite giving me a key and forcing me to close and count money and do a million extra things because “I was working for the Lord.”
I finally blew that popsicle stand and took a job as the fitting room attendant at Ross, and yes, it’s just as bad as you think it would be. Except that I was really GOOD at it. I passed Mystery Shops and kept it clean and made those racks shine like no one else. My bosses raved about me and promised that soon, I could work on the REGISTER, except that I was forever put in the back of that god-awful store. I finally quit after we were held up at GUNPOINT and they wanted me to work until midnight as a high school student, which wasn’t legal, but whatever.
After that I was a nanny, and after that I worked at the call center for Gap/Old Navy/Banana Republic where I answered calls before moving into the Quality Assurance department (yes, those calls really *are* monitored!) and trained people on how to answer emails. I did that for four years of college, before becoming a one-on-one tutor for little kids, teaching them to read. Next, I worked as a teacher at an art center for developmentally disabled adults, a job I loved until I was let go. I worked as a massage therapist-barista-bookstore cashier for a year and then became a teacher at a group home before finally getting my credential and becoming a teacher in the traditional sense.
I’m not telling you this to bore you, or because I think you should be impressed with the eclectic positions I’ve held in my job history. It’s because really, for me, this has been my history. If you ask me about me, it’s likely I’ll start by telling you I used to be a teacher. I define myself by the profession I’m doing at the time. It’s natural, I think. Society defines us by our profession and really, I’ve done the same for myself.
I take an enormous amount of pride in work and in my work ethic. I worked in high school and college, and while sometimes, I felt jealous of other students who didn’t, ultimately, working has given me a pride in myself and my abilities. I’m so grateful for the things my jobs have taught me, and ultimately, that my parents made me work.
I found out yesterday that I didn’t get a job I really, really wanted. Last week, I found out that the other promising interview I’d been on wasn’t happening either. I’ve only been out of work for a week and a half, and I still have money coming in, and freelance work I’m doing and so many other good things going on, and yet, I can’t seem to relax.
I love working. As much as I hate early mornings and late nights and having a boss that drives me nuts, the whole reason that not working is bugging me so much is that I feel purposeless without a job. For so long, I’ve been a teacher or a babysitter or a cashier or even a fitting room attendant. I don’t know what to make of it. And sure, unemployment will cover my expenses and I have love, support and great people who would never let me fall, but still, I feel like I’m flailing: I don’t know how to just be me, sans title.
I am hoping to answer this question a bit while I’m waiting to find a job. Who am I when I’m not a teacher? What am I proud of when I’m not attached to some profession? How can I make myself better, and make the world better, outside of a job?
Suggestions welcome.
Copyright © 2012
You certainly have much to be proud of. And your work ethic, given all those scenarios, sounds like it is above the rest – which is a trait often lacking today. Don’t forget to sell that point in your interviews.
And, remember, everyday is a lesson – everyday we are either teaching or being taught something about life – so you are never without. I know it’s easy to let it get to you – I know I could never be a stay at home mom because I LOVE working too, but perhaps if you set your own schedule – tutoring, part-time nannying, freelance writing online – it may not only help pay the bills and pass the time, but you might find that working for yourself is one of the biggest lessons you could learn
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I was in your position about a year ago, I was finishing grad school and a long internship and I had zero job prospects. It took me about a month to find the job I am in now. I know the stress and I know that most will tell you to enjoy the time off, but its hard. I suggest doing one thing a day that you wouldn’t be able to do if you were working that you enjoy, like watching a mid-day episode of judge judy or see a matinee at the theater. It will provide a distraction without taking away your whole day from your job search.
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This is such a good question, and one we all struggle with. I’ve got a crazy work history (bartender, bike mechanic, shop girl, treeplanter, oil rig worker, nightclub go go girl.. the list is strange and long) – and I’ve come to realize that while I am not always WHAT I do, what I do is always some small part of me expressing itself. Be it the girl who wants to go treking (treeplanter!) the one who loves to fix things (mechanic!) the one who longs to be part of a boys club (oil rigs, so help me…) Each one is just a different part of me. Maybe asking who you are when you’re NOT something isn’t the answer… It’s hard to define yourself in the negative. Maybe..it’s just who you are now.
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I’m also a teacher who’s not teaching at the moment – so I hear you! It’s hard.. just enjoy where you are now and remember that everything will come around, in it’s own time. Cliche, I know, but it’s all going to happen at some point!
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Wish I had some answers for you. But I think what you are feeling is normal, and expected, and that it’s entirely natural to question your identity and your place in the world. You will find a place. Hang in there.
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Before I got the job that I have right now, I was “unemployed” for over a year.
For 10 months I was waiting in Germany for my GC to be processed. I was working as a tutor at that time, but it wasn’t full time and it didn’t feel like a job.
Then, when I finally was allowed to come back to the States, it took me another 9 months to find my current job… and the worst part of not working was that I couldn’t enjoy my free time.
I think, seriously, if you knew that you had a job lined up, let’s say, in 3 months… you’d just relax and ENJOY the time off. But since you’re in limbo, it makes it so much harder to relax and just enjoy the free time.
Am I right?
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Sometimes we have to take hodge podge jobs but the funny part of those jobs is that we might find something that we really like. Best part though, it gives us balance and diversity.
So far, I’ve been a broomball referee, an archivist, theology teacher, computer science teacher, IT field tech, network administrator, director of technology and social media consultant.
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I really know how you’re feeling. Three months ago, my husband got a job in the town he grew up in. It was a fantastic job, and there was nothing holding us in the town we were currently working in except a lease, so we moved.
A week later, I sprained my ankle, and almost three months later, I’m STILL wearing an air cast and unable to walk for more than a few minutes a day without pain and swelling. I’ve been looking for a job, but no one seems to want to hire someone who will need to sit down most of the day for the foreseeable future.
I feel ridiculous sitting at home all day while my husband works, and we’re cutting things really close financially. Me having a job would be a godsend. But on the other hand, I’ve made our new house look like a home, and I’ve spent a lot of time on projects that I’ve wanted to do for years.
Good luck with your job hunt!
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Oh Amy, sweet friend! I’m sorry you’ve got to go through this… But, your post is so honest and real and I love how much you opened your heart…
You will find a company/position in the near future… you must, you are a terrific employee and have so much to offer!
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Aw Ames, that sucks. I was really pulling for you to get that job. I’m totally impressed you’ve already had two interviews, even though I know it sucks big time. Hang in there lady.
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Been there, felt that.
I have to believe that the reason those two jobs didn’t work out is because there is an even better one out there for you. Before my current job (which I love), I was unemployed for six weeks and all kinds of fabulous opportunities didn’t work out. I was depressed, and cried…a lot. But in the end, I know those jobs didn’t work out for a reason, and that was because there was an even better job that hadn’t opened up yet.
I’m the last person who should tell anyone to be patient, but I think a little patience in your heart would go a loooong way right now.
And no, that is NOT easy.
On a brighter note…I am currently designing a new set of business cards, to accompany my real ones. Only they are going to say, “Ashlee Gadd: aspiring writer, wannabe photographer, and frozen yogurt addict.” I believe that defines me at this moment in time.
I suggest you spend a little bit of time designing some business cards for yourself. And since you’re the one designing them and paying for them, they can say whatever you want. So define yourself. Nobody is going to stop you!
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It’s totally understandable that so much of our identities gets tied up in our jobs. My problem has been that when I was doing work I wasn’t proud of, I felt really bad about myself. I’ve learned that who I am isn’t about what I do, it’s about how I treat people and surrounding myself with things I love.
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With the exception of the 12 weeks that was my first quarter in college, I have had a job – or, I should say, AT LEAST ONE job – since I was 17. That’s 10 years. 10 years straight of working.
Even in between jobs – oh, no wait. There was no in between jobs. Those were weekends.
Even vacations – oh, no wait. I’ve never taken more than 3 work days off in succession before.
So, yes, working. Those 12 weeks I didn’t have a job? I didn’t know what to do with myself. But I did get the best grades I’ve ever gotten before. I’m just saying that I get you. I don’t feel right without something, like a purpose or a routine or something. But, truthfully, when I’m old, I’ll look back on this and regret it. When do I ever have any time to focus on me? What the hell am I working so hard for?
I don’t understand why places aren’t jumping to hire you. You have a great work ethic, you’re smart, and you’re wonderful to be around. I’m sure you’re an excellent teacher. I mean, you’re GOING to get a job, and it’s going to be great. I know it’ll happen. (I’m not just saying this.) So, meanwhile, maybe just enjoy this somehow. At least you’re free to come visit me!!
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Giiiiiirl, do I have many, many things to say on this subject! But I’m going to hold off till I see you in person (one day soon, yes? Yes.)
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My identity is entirely too tied up in work. It’s not that I have nothing to be proud of outside of work or even that I’m a workaholic. I think that it’s actually my self-worth that’s too tied to work, so that I feel insecure and lost without it. And, I actually go a little crazy without the structure and distraction of having some place to be every day. I’ve only been unemployed one month out of the last 10 years and to keep myself from dissolving into a puddle of anxiety, I finished a novel in that time. I think that spending that time doing something I’ve always wanted to do but always put off because I’ve been working since high school was really good for me, because even though I always said I was too busy to get serious about fiction, the truth was that I was scared I wasn’t any good and I had used work as an excuse never to risk failure and try.
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I am in the same boat at the moment, my friend. I struggle with it all the time and absolutely dread my fiance’s high school reunion this weekend, where I will be making polite chit-chat with strangers and the inevitable “So, what do you do?” comes up. I have no great advice other than hang in there! And – keep applying for jobs that appeal to you and continue to seek out ways to make the world a better place!
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Darlin’, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. *hugs*
You are beautiful and talented and a role model to a lot of people [including me]. Surely someone who needs a talented writer/teacher/humorist will see that in you soon.
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Garrett is going through exactly these emotions right now and I continue to tell him that who he is as a person is so much more than just his job title. I know that it is easier to say that than it is to believe that but I truly believe that you are going to do great things — continue to follow what you love, do things that make you happy, open your heart to some offbeat possibilities and I really think life will deliver. There is more than enough abundance to go around. Enjoy the opportunities your situation is giving you right now, and harness the challenges into things that strengthen you. Don’t doubt your greatness — with or without a job the feels safe!
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I definitely can empathize with the feeling of struggling with the idea of not having a job – therefore not having an “identity.” I haven’t had a job in over a year – over a year! I have been working since I was 11 in various different jobs and this is the first time since the middle of HS that I haven’t had a job. I struggle with it all the time. I feel silly for saying this, but this is a huge mental hang up for me – not having a job and feeling that joblessness now defines me. Oy.
Good luck to you – all my best wishes and warm thoughts to you. There is an amazing job out there waiting for you, and I know, cliche cliche optimistic cheesy overload but, this is just a small hurdle and I have no doubt you’re going to love and thrive in this new journey
All my best and all my love <3
Carolina
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Amy, Amy, Amy. You’re smart & charismatic & dedicated, & you will not be unemployed for long. You don’t need a title – but you will find something to do, some way to contribute & take part & give back & learn. And when you’re not working, find other activities that allow you to do those things – hobbies or volunteering or more writing. Whatever fulfills you.
In my dad’s words, “Press on regardless.” You’re so much more than you think you are. <3
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Hi Amy, It’s Catherine from Wonder. I just read your blog, and ohmygosh you are SUCH a talented writer! Glad I will be able to follow you via blog.
And the Audrey Hepburn quote is precious.
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I think we all spend a lot of time associating our identity with “what we do.” And, this is all well and fine when what we’re doing is something we want to be defined as. But, the second we are out of work, we tend to believe now we don’t have an identity, or a place in the world.
It’s something I’m working on disassociating myself from. I’m more than what I do. As cheesy as it is, I’m who I am, not the title on my business card. And so are you, loves.
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Oh sweetie I feel your pain! I am without a job now too, even though I was told I am Par excellent!!!
I have worked forever and feel so lost!
I am anxious to see what my future job will be be.
Love you so much!!!!
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Interesting conclusions, Amy. I think I’m different from most. In my 20s, I made a very purposeful decision NOT to define myself by my job. It was at that point that I quit working the super-high paying, fast track to the top job that required me to travel 4 days a week, work 17-hour days and be available some weekends. For me, it’s all about balance. My profession is part of who I am, but I definitely do not define myself by what I do. I’m way too dynamic to be that one-sided. You are, too. =)
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If what you love is teaching, if it’s what defines you, could you maybe volunteer in that capacity for a bit? Just enough so you feel fulfilled? Or you could combine two of your passions–yoga and teaching–and do yoga teacher training! Now I think I’m just trying to live vicariously through you (how I’d love to ditch the cube and become a yoga teacher) but still, having an activity that you love to keep you busy when you’re not job searching will at least fulfill the passion part, if not (unfortunately) the pay…
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Hmmm. Interesting. I’ve never been on of those people who has their identity rooted into their occupation. I think is because I was the person in college who didn’t have to work. ( I’m still currently in school).
I have felt like my life held no purpose due to lack of direction. Questioning myself about what it was I wanted to do with my life beyond school left me lost. Some days I’m still at a lost. I’m a little better off now in knowing where I want to be x amount of years, but how do get there? How can what I do for a living get me to where I want to be – this is question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately.
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You have something most people don’t:
The entire internet pulling for you.
And that we are, love muffin. That we are.
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