“See, I spent a lot of years being a person I wasn’t that proud of being and believing I couldn’t do much at all. I allowed my life (my relationships, my weight, my outlook on things) to reflect that. So, I want to give up some things this month to continue to prove to myself I can because I think when you surprise yourself, you begin to like yourself more and more. That’s important to me.”
— Jennie, who writes over at She Likes Purple
I was reading Jennie’s blog yesterday, and feeling inspired, because not only is Jennie the brains behind Style Lush, she’s doing all of these amazing things: budgeting and running 5K’s and giving up meat and being a great mom and an awesome friend. Jennie is one of those friends that I sort of stand in awe of, because while I have a million big ideas and secret dreams, Jennie DOES something about them.
Impressive.
I was reading along when I stumbled upon that little snippet, & tears sprang to my eyes. Tears are sort of standard here at Chez Amy, but that little string of words stirred something in me yesterday morning, as I read along in the silence of my classroom.
I’ve been feeling quite unsteady & unsure lately. Many things in my life are in flux, the largest of which is the possibility of not having a teaching job next year (although…possible good news on the horizon!). Every single person in my life has been all, “Yeah, you’ll be fine!” & proceeded to encourage me to write & edit & do all of those things that I try to cram in around lesson planning & reality TV.
All that I could think of was “ME? NO WAY!” or “Ha, I mean, sure, other people I know are making money from writing & finding ways to make it, but I could NEVER do that!”
Hang tight, I’m getting to the skinny part of this.
See, the thing is that I guess I’ve gotten a little used to letting myself down. I mean, yeah, I’ve gotten my act together significantly in the past few years, but I have this laundry list of very achievable goals. Things like losing weight, planning ahead at work, submitting some writing, finishing my laundry and generally keeping my life running smoothly. None of them are out of reach, or things I can’t do.
But somehow, in my little twisted head, I’ve gotten this message that I’m not good enough. Me, have a life that’s really & truly together? Me, be responsible enough with my money that I’ve got a large savings account & can pay off my debt? Me, actually lose the weight that causes me so much anguish? Me, be in a happy, healthy, functioning relationship that isn’t always on the verge of explosion? Me, live a life that’s creative & fun & bursting with possibility?
It all seems so out of reach for a girl like me.
You see, if you think you’re not worth it, it’s easily to justify letting your eating get out of control, because in your mind, you suck at everything, so why NOT just eat poorly, too? It’s easy to get off track going to the gym, because you already knew you weren’t ever really going to do it…you’re not capable of that. Because you’re a loser, remember? It’s easy to spend too much because you’ve decided you’re helpless at controlling your money. Why take opportunities when you know you’re just going to foul them up, anyways? When you don’t do something you really wanted, it’s easier because you’ve never really believed in yourself all along. It’s perfectly acceptable to spend your Saturdays lounging on the couch in a haze of Law and Order & whatever food you want, because you never really believed you could write successfully or start an Etsy shop or go out & tackle the world. It’s easy to let people let you down, because hey, you don’t think you’re worth all that much either. Letting people walk in & out of your life, trampling you in the process becomes tolerable when you view yourself as worthless.
My weight is just an outward manifestation of the fact that I don’t think very highly of myself.
Let’s be honest: I love food & don’t love working out — but those things CAN be overcome. I’ve got all of the knowledge in the world as to HOW to do this, I have a gym membership & every tool in the world to ensure my success. The “how-to” of weight loss isn’t a mystery to me.
It’s a heart problem.
Somewhere, inside I really believe, as absolutely effed up as this is, that I’m probably not worth it. I can’t tell you how many events —absolutely awesome events — I’ve bailed on because I didn’t want to look fat. I look back on memories from the past few years, & feel such little joy, because eww, I look disgusting in the photos. I don’t let myself fully enjoy things because I think I look terrible enjoying them.
Still, in my twisted little brain, I don’t believe I’m capable of much in this area. I think I’ve accepted that in this department, I’ll always be letting myself down, I’ll always be fatter than I’d like, I’ll never like my body, I’ll never be truly healthy or happy in my own skin.
I hate that. I don’t want to feel that way anymore.
So, to use Jennie’s words, I want to surprise myself. I want to look back in two months and say, “Holy crap! I really did workout every day before work!” I want to be proud of the way I’m eating. I want to see my body respond. I want to shock myself into seeing just how capable & awesome I am, because the more I think, write & process, the more I believe that when I get this issue in hand, my life will follow.
And most of all, I want to fix this little matter that is my heart, & my feelings towards myself. Because deep down, there’s this little voice that’s telling me that I’m worth a lot, that I deserve more than I’m allowing myself to have right now, that I can do & be & become all of these things & more.
I think I’d better listen.
Copyright © 2012
Great post, Amy. Very moving :’)
People can say every encouraging word in the world, but if you don’t believe in yourself then nothing can be accomplished. You deserve all the good things and achievement you want, it takes work but nothing is impossible. Wishing you a happy surprise in the upcoming future!
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Great post and one that I can 100% identify with.
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Wow! Just the thing I needed to read this morning. Thanks for sharing (oh! and I saw your tweet last night & am praying for your job situation).
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Right on, sister. I feel ya.
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word. I know those feelings, exactly. I have faith in you
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You are correct that unless you believe it it won’t happen. But you are also correct that you are worth it. It is hard to start because we are afraid of failure. I applaud you for being open and honest. And I too have faith in you!
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I know exactly how you feel. Because that’s pretty much where I’m standing. I feel like I can’t accomplish anything.
So this month, I decided to go vegan. I also decided to do Jillian Michaels’ 30-Day Shred. And I will submit at least ONE thing to be published somewhere.
We can do it. We’re really the only ones standing in our way.
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Beautiful post.
It’s hard to fight the inner dialogue sometimes, to lay down and give in to the stress of a long day at work and just tell the gym or healhty eating to screw off. I know because somedays, even now, I do it.
Over the weekend my mom took several family photos and in every single one I found a flaw (my eyes are scrunched, my dress makes me look fat, blah blah blah). And it’s so NOT right. I shouldn’t criticize myself like that. Thanks for the reminder to surprise myself, add a little more fun to my day =)
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Everyone is telling you that they believe in you because they *really* do. I know how hard it is to feel confident when everything feels like it is being upheaved, but it is so worth it to hang in there. YOU are worth it.
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Well, first of all… I hope it makes you feel better to know that you come off as very centered and confident in person.
But I totally know what you mean about those little insecurities that tend to sneak up on us, that makes us feel worthless, regardless of our accomplishments or the fact that we know better.
It’s the little battles that we fight on a daily basis, hidden from everyone else’s view.
I think this is a thing we have to learn – to believe in ourselves more.
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Isn’t it crazy that this one little voice that’s afraid of who you can be, and the effort and risk it might take to get there can stop you from taking the first steps towards what you want?
I’m so glad that you’re moving towards things that will make you happy and that you’re pushing through all the mental blocks that we all set up for ourselves to keep us comfortable and safe. The best thing is that by pushing through those hurdles you realize that the stakes really aren’t so high and you will do incredibly!
Being positive about who you are is also just so much less work than beating yourself up =) It’s a time saver.
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What a brave post to write full of inspiration. Let me just say that after meeting you at the Tequila Tweetup my first impression was “what a great girl, she’s so personable, how can I be more like that?” Then I read your blog and thought, “dang, she’s whitty and a great writer too!” From an outsiders perspective it looks like you have it all together in a big way. Now as for the laundry…eh, don’t sweat the small stuff.
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Yes Amy! Inspiring and completely do-able!!! You got this girl!
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Beautiful and honest post.
Remember to get to that place, takes time. It took me THREE years to get to a place where I’m comfortable in my skin 90% of the time. And, that other 10%, not sure if it will ever go away. I felt it rearing it’s ugly head this weekend while dress shopping.
Good luck, love! Stay strong! XO
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I can totally identify with this. Not believing in yourself is the first step toward somewhere you don’t really want to go. Confidence is so huge in overcoming obstacles. And what I’ve seen thus far personally, what I’m remembering from being an athlete all my life: our bodies WANT to move, and our bodies can be pushed far beyond what we typically think. At least, I’ve seen that be true in my case. I had no idea my body would respond so well to running a 5k last month with minimal training. There were places where my feet were absolutely killing me (and parts where they were literally numb), but I was able to keep going, and crossing that finish line was the best feeling I’ve felt in a really long time.
All of that to say: I’m totally rooting for you. YOU CAN DO THIS. You can do anything.
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I love your honesty here. I can definitely relate to those feelings of inadequacy. Maybe in the next few months I will try to surprise myself too:)
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The loudest voice you will ever hear is your own.
And the best part is—you dictate what she says.
So, yes. Listen to that little voice. She is speaking volumes; she is screaming encouragement; she is begging you to hear her out, to pay attention, to believe.
Strong, brave, true, my friend.
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Oh my goodness, I completely identified with the feeling of not being worth it. That’s me to a T. And I’m the same way – I use it as an excuse to letting myself and others down because, well, it was bound to happen anyway, right? Sigh.
It’s a hard mindset to break and I wish you the best in trying to figure everything out! This definitely inspired me to try harder at realizing my potential.
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You have it 100% right on. I’m kind of speechless, though, because you’ve just described it all so well. Too bad I’m stuck at work, because this makes me want to get on the treadmill and tell myself that I AM worth it.
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Everyone feels exactly the same way that you do at some point in their lives. But you know what, you can do whatever you want and make it a success. But you do have to work hard for it. Put your mind to it and change one small thing at a time and each success will give you the energy to tackle the next thing.
You can do it….but feeling like shit every now and then is normal!
Sadie at heyMamas
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Good for you! I fight with myself every day to remember I’m worth it. It’s so hard, and even accomplishments that obviously should show me that I am, don’t seem to do the trick sometimes. I’ve finally gotten to a point where I can work out regularly and enjoy it . . . but then I feel guilty that I’m working out and not doing all the other stuff that I should be doing. Crazy, isn’t it? Guilt is stupid.
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I read your post this morning before school, and I have been thinking about it ever since! I even told my class about it, because we are talking about nutrition. I think this is what I need to jumpstart too…I keep starting and giving up, but I know I need to eat better (since I currently don’t fit in many of my clothes, sigh). Thank you!
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I could have written this. But not really because I didn’t realize it until you said it.
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Great post, Amy! I can definitely relate to this too. I think it happens when you’re truly ready for it to happen. It’s definitely hard for me to stay on track and not become discouraged. Listening to yourself really helps!! I find it to be helping me a lot lately especially before I think about eating something bad.
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Thanks for such nice words.
You will totally rock at surprising yourself but it’ll be no surprise to any of us.
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Amy my dear, you touch my heart with your words and somehow, from so many miles away, you seem to put my thoughts into words. Of course, I cry everytime, seriously.
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wow. this hit me right between the eyes when I wasn’t even looking. i don’t even have the words…
other than…
thank you.
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