When I was a little girl, I used to make lists in my journal about the sort of Amy I was going to be. Sometimes, the list included things like “neat, clean, perfect, polite, straight A’s” & other times, it included things like “fun, silly, outgoing, A’s and B’s, party girl.” The lists were always starkly divided into what I perceived as two types of girl: the good girl & the fun girl.
Maybe it seems silly, but for some reason, I guess you could say I’ve always believed that you had to be one or the other. In high school & college, I was the classic “good girl” who never really rebelled. I never had a detention, got excellent grades, didn’t touch alcohol ’til I was 21 & generally stayed out of trouble. Later, I turned into a sort of rebellious, free-spirited hippie chick who would stay out all night, cleanse her apartment’s negative energy with sage sticks, worked as a massage therapist & made a lot of (rather ugly) art. Now, I reside somewhere else completely, I guess: I’m a teacher, a wine drinker, a wannabe crafter & am generally all too practical. I’ve never been good at blending my different “selves” and while I’m not Sybill or anything, I have always felt like parts of me are compartmentalized.
The truth is, I’m a bit of a walking contradiction. I’m an extroverted introvert, an NPR-listener with a penchant for US Weekly, the sort of girl who will binge on reality TV before delving into a classic novel. My likes & dislikes, while specific, don’t always seem to match up.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m always giving up some part of me, not because anyone is all, “No, you can’t listen to that hip hop! You just turned off The Weepies!” but because I like things better when they fit into my own little prescribed boxes. I always want to fit onto a list, into a box.
Except, I don’t. I mean, I don’t at all. Nor do I really want to. And I’m learning everyday to be more okay with that.
Part of “being okay with that” means being okay with all the things I’m not into. I’ve learned to look at things I wish I was really into — things like painting, running, football, beer, drawing — & simply say, “Wow, I wish I was good at that! Looks like fun!” I try to admire people who are good at those things, without feeling the need to try & fit in to that little “box.”
Instead, I’m trying to just be excited about what I’m excited about. Currently, those things include writing daily, watching baseball, spin class, finding a place to do yoga, dreaming about visiting Paris, exploring new opportunities, listening to hip hop/indie/alternative playlists while I drive with my sunroof down, white wine, figuring out how to take a French class on the cheap, dresses, skirts & as always, the color pink. I’m learning to really love the fact that I cry easily & laugh easily & am witty & smart & sensitive, all rolled into one.
The amazing Danielle LaPorte wrote, “Authenticity is not an either/or equation. Your soul is an all-inclusive package … frills, foibles, and contradictions. It’s your opposing parts that leverage your magnificence into full force…Don’t resign yourself to your idiosyncrasies. ‘Accepting’ yourself is a passively lame option for full-tilt self love. Exalt your contradictions, celebrate them, go so far as to use them to your divine advantage.”
With every day, I’m trying to get closer to that full-tilt self love. Some days, it’s easy…some days, it’s not. But I’m getting there.
Copyright © 2012
Man, can I ever relate to this post. I’ve always been this way myself, a walking contradiction. I’ve always thought something was wrong with it, like I needed to decide which side of the fence to be on, in every situation. But you’ve explained perfectly that no, you don’t. Just be yourself. That quote is amazing.
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You are EXACTLY like me. I’ve kept journals since I was a little kid, and every single one has a few “new me” lists. I will go out more, I will be a nicer person to everybody, I will learn to love this or that. Etc. You know. Once I “become” the outgoing girl, I change my mind and decide I’d rather be the other one. I change my mind all the time.
It doesn’t really sound like the same thing when I write it like that. But, really. I can relate!
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check out your local community college- maybe you could audit a french class. or i could send you my textbook when i’ve finished mine… mais oui!
i can’t wait until you really figure out exactly how much you rock….
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wow, this really struck me to the core. i can definitely relate, I even kept lists of the person I wanted to become! and I’ve always thought of myself as a walking contradiction, trying to figure out how all of my pieces fit together. thank you for writing this, it was really beautiful and it helped me to realize I can be many different things.
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You know, I really think most people feel this way – even though everyone denies it and tries to fit themselves into this box that you talk about.
I definitely agree that you can have many different interests that – superficially looked at – don’t really fit together, but in the end, it all makes sense to me: every person needs a balance in their life and this balance definitely partly comes from the fact that we allow ourselves to have contradictions.
Who says that you can’t like reality TV and classic literature? Or rock music and classic music?
I am a big fan of “everything is possible”
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I’m starring this post in my Google reader for two reasons. One, because I love it, and two, to remind me to do this more:
“Part of “being okay with that” means being okay with all the things I’m not into.”
I look at people who are really great photographers, speak several languages, love indie music, and live a bohemian lifestyle and think “man, why can’t I be like that?” The above sentence will hopefully help me to remember that I’m great just the way I am, even though I take mediocre pictures, barely speak 2 sentences of Spanish, really love ridiculous pop music (Ke$ha and Miley included), and go crazy without a structured lifestyle.
The grass is always greener, right? haha.
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I love this quote so much! Not just passively “accepting yourself” but really, passionately, loving yourself for all you are; pretty amazing.
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Excellent post. Over the last few years I’ve tried to come to terms with the things I don’t want to do but feel like I SHOULD want to do. Weird the way we try to make ourselves like things, isn’t it?
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I love the last two lines of that quotation ~ “‘Accepting’ yourself is a passively lame option for full-tilt self love. Exalt your contradictions, celebrate them, go so far as to use them to your divine advantage.” I think I’ll print it off and put it somewhere I’ll see it every day so I actually remember it!
And hey, thanks for checking out my blog
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I totally hear you and I love it. Just enjoy what you enjoy, that’s it!
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I am a complete and total contradiction, but I feel that is what makes me fun. I sage my house and then I show up to work everyday at a very conservative company. I take homepathetic pills for everything but am not opposed to tylenol or excedrin. I am a feminist but still expect men to let women off the elevator first and get REALLY pissed when they don’t.
You sound like you have a great handle on who you are and who you want to be and that is half the battle!
Sadie at heyMamas
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You know, I am an English major who loves reading chick lit. I don’t think that being one thing means you cannot be the other, after all we enjoy different things for different reasons. And sometimes, at the end of the day, you don’t want to read a novel that requires much thinking or watch a movie that will require a lot of brain work. Sometimes it’s just more fun to read a trashy novel or watch a trashy TV show.
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I can totally relate. Before I met Steve, I was a (VIRGIN OMFG), who rarely swore, went to bed at 8:30 (and I was 21, not 8 years old in case you weren’t sure here), NEVER had ANY social time, NEVER DRANK (not even a sip)…And then I met Steve and basically reversed ALL OF THAT. And now? I’m a mommy and a wife and I still swear like a sailor and can drink like a guy, but I’m more of a homebody. It’s a good place to be.
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I can relate to this a lot and that quote is great. What a great post
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Blogging has made me feel bad for not being a crafter or photographer, which is silly, because there are a million other things I’m in love with. I don’t if this is true for you, but sometimes my desire to be perfect has me pursuing things I don’t even like that much just because I want to be good at them. It’s definitely been a life lesson for too that it’s okay to let go of the stuff I don’t love.
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For the first time in a long time, my English degree comes in handy.
via Walt Whitman:
“Do I contradict myself?
Very well, then, I contradict myself;
(I am large—I contain multitudes.)”
That is to say the same thing as Danielle LaPorte; I don’t think you need to sacrifice one “self” to be able to become another “self” – maybe your ‘compartments’ make a whole. Like an Ikea bookshelf, only more awesome and less prone to falling apart.
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For the first time in a long time, my English degree comes in handy.
via Walt Whitman:
“Do I contradict myself?
Very well, then, I contradict myself;
(I am large—I contain multitudes.)”
That is to say the same thing as Danielle LaPorte; I don’t think you need to sacrifice one “self” to be able to become another “self” – maybe your ‘compartments’ make a whole. Like an Ikea bookshelf, only more awesome and less prone to falling apart.
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