I remember sitting on my childhood best friend A’s bed. We were close as sisters as kids; our parents had been friends since before we were born and she’d been a constant in my young life. As we dressed for soccer practice, her mom came in to help us and perched on A’s bed while I tied my shoes. A examined herself in the mirror, running the palm of her hand down the front of her body and making a straight line.
“My body goes like this,” she says, making the straight line down her body a second time. “I’m thin.“
Next, she made an exaggerated line outside of her body, curving down over imagined breasts and a pudgy stomach.
“Your body goes like this,” she said, making wild gestures indicating curves of a belly. I imitated her gesture, feeling my own hand slide over the mesh of my orange and yellow soccer shirt. I could feel the buds of breasts and a strong stomach that wasn’t exactly flat.
“Am I thin?” I asked, turning to A and her mom.
A’s mom clucked disapprovingly.
“No…I wouldn’t say that. Slender, maybe. But A is a twig, a real skinny mini!”
This wasn’t the first time I’d felt competition in this friendship; we’d had arbitrary competitions in dance, in who sounded more like the Little Mermaid, in school. But this wasn’t the same thing. A hadn’t bested me at a childhood game, she was making an outright statement that something about her body was superior to mine, that there was nothing I could do, and that I just didn’t measure up. I learned that day that my body was something to be ashamed of.
I’ve spent my whole life trapped in the paradigm of that afternoon, measuring my body against the bodies of others. I judge as I’ve been judged, checking out the stomach and rear end and waist of those I love and meet, feeling a sick sense of pride if I emerge as smaller; hating myself when I more often than not come up short, just as I did that day.
When I hear other people’s comments about weight, it’s hard not to take them personally. Comments about the eating habits of others, or their size, or their weight loss efforts send my brain racing: “Is this what they say about me? Is this how I’m viewed—as a pig, as someone worthy of judgment?”
And really, the answers from others don’t matter, because I know that this is how I judge myself. When I’m at my worst, this is how I judge other people, too, mentally criticizing them for their weight issues and congratulating myself for “not being that bad.”
This isn’t something I’m proud of, obviously. It’s an ugly habit, one that’s damaging to other people, but mostly to myself. And I’m desperately trying to get off the comparison train. I asked Andrew to hide the scale this week and to only bring it out next week for my weigh-in for Biggest Blogging Loser. Instead of obsessing over the fat I see on my body, I’m trying to notice the muscles that are becoming more obvious, the blue of my eyes, the softness of my skin.
The fact is that yes, I have weight to lose and things to tone and a body to change. But along with it needs to come a change in my mindset, one that doesn’t have me forever holding myself up to another person, running my hands over my body and thinking I’m just not good enough. I’m working my ass off (literally) and I have to trust that I’m doing the best thing I can possibly do for my body: get healthy physically, but maybe more importantly, change the way I think about my body.
And for what it’s worth, I wish I could go back to Little Amy in that afternoon and tell her what I’m learning now: there’s nothing to win here.
Copyright © 2012
I believe most people who really struggle with their weight have a story like this. When I was 11, I asked my mom to put me on a diet because I was certain I had a serious problem. I did not. My stocky, athletic build was not like my friends’ and I felt gigantic by comparison. Your friend was a child, but I’m constantly suprised by the number of adults in my life throughout the years that felt it was ok to comment on their assessment of my body. It made me quite self conscious and I came to believe that my weight was the first thing anyone noticed about me whether I was slender or needing to lose a few. I could go on about the psychological impact that has over time. Suffice it to say that it compounds our challenges to stay the course when we have a significant amount to lose. It helps to develop an internal dialogue that you can initiate when these negative feelings surface – reframing and bringing back to truth. The truth is that your body, when at goal, will still be your body. Unique. Beautiful. You. Some of us will never look like “skinny minny” even at our goal weight because of our curves, our build or even our roundish faces (I have a round face). We need to become OK with those things we can’t control and develop some sort of mental defense against insensitive and clueless comments of others.
Amy,
I’ve read your blog for quite some time and have only commented here or there a few times, but this post has me in tears at my work computer this morning. So beautifully written, reminding me of all the things I also think about and do. Constantly judging myself against others, walking in rooms and wondering if I will be the biggest person there,shopping for hours on end to find the perfect outfit to hide my body. I remember being in grade school and a girl in my class asking why my body was so different than hers. I made up a lie and said that I had a disease that made my body grow faster. I hate, hate, hate that I’ve spent almost 20 years of my life feeling like less of a person and holding back from doing things in life because I don’t want to embarass myself or those around me. But here is the good news…I’m changing. Slowly, incredibly slowly. But it’s there. And you are too…I can hear it in your posts. Congrats sister friend.
Kelli
Body image is such a struggle, isn’t it? And it’s really rooted in childhood, which is pretty sad. I was a thin child, but I still grew up w/ a distorted body image. I was the 3rd grader who was on a diet – wtf? I don’t really understand how I ended up that way because I feel like my mom had a positive body image? So odd…
Anyways, it took years upon years upon years to break out of the destructive hateful things I would say to myself. It wasn’t until the last couple of years that I have stopped looking in the mirror and finding things to hate/criticize. I by no means have a perfect body image, but I have miraculously found a way to focus on the positive – at least when I am talking to myself or looking in the mirror.
What strikes me in this post is that it reminds me how impossible it is to get off the comparison train because there are a lot of people invested in keeping you on it. Not always intentionally, or because people want you to feel bad. But A’s mother, for example. She’s been taught that thin = beautiful, just like we all have. So she reminds you. And magazines remind you. And billboards. And television. And ads. And every form of media out there, that can make money by selling you the image of an impossible thinness. And as if that’s enough, our friends remind us by standing in front of mirrors and making comments, from the time we are playing soccer as kids until forever. Or by commenting, however casually, however mindlessly, about weight or fat or whatever.
Great post.
I want to give you an enormous hug after reading this post. For so many reasons—your honesty, your heart, your tremendous efforts in truly changing how you think about your self and your body, your willingness to share a story that is, still, years later, a little painful.
I want to say so many things: stay strong; you are amazing; please do not judge yourself; skinny does not equal perfect; blah blah blah.
Mostly, though, I want you to know that every step, however small, is progress. And you are taking so many incredibly brave steps—soon enough, you will be so many leaps and bounds away from that afternoon, that Little Amy, that lesson finally unlearned.
You’re absolutely right. There’s nothing to win here. You’re only up against yourself in this competition, because more often than not, you are your own worst critic. I’m really happy to find out that you’re hiding the scale so you don’t obsess over the numbers. I’m pulling for you and rooting for you so hard! I believe in you and what you’re doing and how you’re doing it. For what it’s worth, you’ve got a believer (and friend) in me.
It will come. Promise. Keep working out. I swear that’s what did it for me. When you realize all the amazing things your body can do for you you stop hating it so much.
Also, r.e. your childhood experience, I had A LOT of those. I was constantly called fat as a kid and it totally damaged me. Looking back, I was barely even a “chubby” kid but I think other kids saw how much the comments bothered me. Seeing my mom and grandma constantly talk about needing to lose weight growing up didn’t help me either.
I think that so many of these issues start when we are kids, I used to think it’s just part of being a woman but it’s not. What A’s mom should have said to you is every single body is different and beautiful in it’s own way. I think we need to fundamentally shift how we talk about weight and body image with young girls – especially since you and me know how damaging it can be long term if it’s not handled properly.
As always, thanks for sharing your story Amy. XO
I think that changing your midset is much more imprtant than changing your body. I think this typoe of comparison is the most dmamging and dangerous thing we do as women. And not just with respect to our bodies, but with respect to everything. You can not make a comparison with out making a judgement. And when we judge each other we lose the opportunity to grow. I truly believe that. I’m glad you are discovering yourself on this journey. Keep up the great work.
I’ve really been enjoying the posts you’re writing on self-image and the “comparison train”. It has so much to do with weight loss, but it’s also a separate issue, isn’t it? It seems that one day I’m perfectly happy with my body, but the next I go out with a friend who is thinner/taller/whatever-er and all of a sudden I’m a huge blob. What is with that? The last time I saw my mom she said to me “Why are you only happy with your body when you’re at your absolute thinnest?” She’s right. Why is that? I think we’re all so hard on ourselves with comparing to others(not to mention the judgment of others – another BAD habit) No answers here…. just a lot to think about. Thanks for getting the ball rolling on that
Keep it up – next thing you know you’ll be looking AND feeling great strolling around the streets of Paris!
It’s crazy how those insensitive comments from peers and adults in our childhood start a lifetime of insecurities, it’s so sad. But if you ever talk about the “buds of breasts” in my presence, we’re through.
The only thing to “win” here is confidence & the belief that you are OK, however you are – but also to keep fighting for better. Not for everyone else for for yourself. I’m always, always pulling for you, Amy, & as always, I’m touched & encouraged by your words, which so often mirror my thoughts.
A-friggin-men to all of this. I’m clapping at my desk by myself.
I went through a similar thing too when growing up. I’ve always thought I was fat because I was so tall and looking back at my pictures, I was SO NOT fat. I wish I knew that and could go back to tell myself I’m not and to make sure I don’t get fat, lol.
That age is such a precious age and it totally bites that this conversation happened when it did. I agree with wanting to go back and whisper into little Amy’s ear. I grew up with a speech issues and being told throughout my childhood that my dark skin was ugly and to stay out of the sun.
Of course your best friend at the time couldn’t have known what she was saying but I hope more parents/adults take more care in the words they say to young girls.
Well said, L. Amy, thank you for sharing such a raw, brave post.
As always, you seem to put me into words on your own blog. Except my story was sitting with my tan, skinny childhood BFF Maggie, who looked at my hands and retorted they looked like, “Meatballs with sausage links for fingers!” — and ever since, I’ve hated my hands. To the point engagement and wedding photos displaying my hands/ring made me kinda bummed out. Silly, isn’t it? And much like you, on my worst days, I take pride when I meet someone who doesn’t walk as much or knows less about health facts… and why? Again, silly, isn’t it?
I have a terrible body image, which stems from my childhood and the fact that my mom doesn’t have a very good body image of herself. In hindsight, I would much rather be overweight but happy with myself and that reflection in the mirror, but I know I need to DO SOME STUFF to get there. I need to show myself how strong my body is and how beautiful it can be, skinny or not. And doing that means losing the weight, working out, and treating my body better by eating well. I’m not even close to having a good body image, but I am realizing that I need to start appreciating what I can do with my body, how healthy it is, instead of cringing at the bowling ball that seems to be hanging off my stomach. (Or baby belly, what have you!)
You’re doing amazing, Amy. Your weight loss is amazing and I’m sensing a shift in your outlook of yourself as well. <3
This reminds me so much of my own personal struggle with weight loss, Amy. For as long as I can recall, I’ve always compared my weight to friends and family members who seem to have a flatter belly, tighter abs, perkier breasts, no sign of love handles, etc. And I’m always left feeling so similar to what you described above. The weight loss adventure isn’t just a physical one–it’s so much of a mental journey. To me, between the eating habits, the workouts and the healthier lifestyle, the biggest challenge is actually looking inward and not just seeing what’s in the mirror or on the scale. You’re doing such a tremendous job and are so incredibly inspiring. Keep up the good work. xo
This post was heartbreaking. I won’t pretend I know how you feel – I don’t, I’ve never had this experience – but it saddens me that people can be so careless with what they say. Sending big hugs your way – I hope you’re able to change your mindset and work towards becoming the healthiest person you can be, both physically and mentally.
This post makes me want to reach through the internet and give you a hug. You are doing amazing things, a new mindset will soon follow the work you’re been doing.