One area in which I consider myself to be incredibly blessed is the friend department. I have some girlfriends that I’ve known forever—as in they’ve seen my elementary school mullet, were probably forced to sit through my squaky clarinet concerts while seated on the floor of our elementary school cafeteria and are in birthday party photos of old. I picked up a few friends along the way in high school, a few more in college and in various work situations. And while I don’t have that sitcom-style group of friends where we all have our roles and scheduled cocktail nights, I do have friends who make me laugh, friends who will totally accept my psychotic rambling phone calls and my large circle of blog friends who email, g-chat and send snail mail across the miles.
Since I’m so lucky in friend-love, I thought I’d share a few of the awesome things my friends have done for me, things I do to try and show them love and other tips on how to be a truly exceptional friend:
- Be there. Show up—in the literal and figurative sense. If your friend joins roller derby, go to her bouts. If she starts an Etsy shop, buy something (she won’t even notice it’s the cheapest thing if you’re on a budget—I promise!). Take an active interest. And if you can’t be there, still be there. Seriously, friends: it doesn’t take much. Send an email or a text. Leave a voicemail. Facebook, if you absolutely have to. But don’t forget that even if you’re not there in person, your support matters. In the age of adulthood, where jobs and significant others and partners and other commitments take time over girls nights and dinner dates, it’s easy to lose touch. Be the catalyst for keeping in touch.
- Listen. I think it’s a sad fact that during conversations, most of us are just waiting for our turn to talk. Be willing to listen fully. I have a few friends who are exceptional listeners, and I think it’s one of the most admirable qualities in a person.
- Be positive. I am sure that my friends are laughing their heads off that I’d give this advice, but seriously, be positive. I so appreciate the friends I have who aren’t overly-annoying rays of sunshine, but who are simply positive. If I have an idea, they cheer me on. They don’t bash our other friends. Even if I know the salad they ordered is disgusting, they don’t complain too much. I like being around people who add joy to my life—and I’m trying harder to be one of them.
- Don’t keep score—but don’t hold on. I struggle with both of these things. By don’t keep score, I mean, don’t worry so much about who sent the last text or arranged the last brunch date. If you want to hang out, make effort. Don’t get caught up in the petty score-keeping of who called who last. Sometimes, I’ll delay contacting friends only to hear, “I thought you didn’t want to hang out with me!” Don’t wait to make effort. On the other hand, no one likes a smotherer. In fact, if I get too many calls/emails/texts/wall posts, it’s unlikely that I’ll respond and want to hang out. We all get busy, go through funks or need space—if a friend you love seems to be pulling away, let them have their space. It’ll all shake out in the end.
- Appreciate them. I’m a big fan of sending cards to deliver those little sentiments: the “I love you” the “You make my life better” and the sincere “Thank you for being a friend” type thoughts. If writing isn’t your thing, yelling it across the dance floor while groovin’ to Ke$ha will do, but nothing beats a sincere love-fest once in awhile.
- Be inclusive. I so appreciate people who don’t mind me bringing Andrew, another friend I think would mesh well or a co-worker along for festivities. It’s a good feeling to know that anyone will be made to feel welcome. While I crave one-on-one time with some friends on a regular basis, for larger group events, I like to know that everyone is always invited.
- Reach out. During one of the hardest times in my life, I spent many a night on my couch with a big ol’ bowl of Lucky Charms, crying my eyes out to Extreme Home Makeover. After a few weeks of this, I was surprised to hear a knock at my door, and opened my door to see my friend on my stoop, holding a bottle of wine, brownies and a copy of Zoolander. That night was the first of many that pulled me out of a funk—and I loved her for doing it. Pay attention and reach out in unexpected ways.
I’m definitely not a perfect friend, but I’m thankful to have many friends who come pretty darn close.
How do you show love to your friends? What makes a good friend in your eyes?
Copyright © 2012
I almost feel like I’ve forgotten how to be a friend. Now that I’m in a new phase of my life, I don’t know how to fit friendships into it. Everyone’s schedules and priorities are so different. They live further away. I may live my entire life online and use email and social media to communicate, yet so few of my old friends do. So I really have to make the effort to text, to try to meet up in person, to keep those bonds alive.
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These are such sweet little tips, it sounds like you’re a great friend.
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I have great friends too- and I all think it stems from being a good friend. One big part of it for me is making time. If it’s time to send an email, chat on the phone, meet for drinks or visit for a weekend, it all boils down to time.
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Thank you for this post! I’ve been thinking about this very topic of late and have realized I can do much more to be a better friend. Your tips will help me do just that. You get from life what you put into it. Thanks for the reminder.
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Yes yes yes! This is a topic I think every woman should be well versed in. Thanks for posting <3
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I so love this list. It’s such a great list of advice for both how to be a friend, and the kinds of things to appreciate in friends. Making time for each other is most important of all–and even though life can get so busy, even an hour of coffee-catch up every month or so can be just what is needed to keep the friendship going strong.
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I can be a bit of a tough cookie, so in my book, friends are honest, loyal and call you out when you need to be put in place. Plus, all the heart-felt, sincere things you included on your list, of course. =)
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This is a great list, Amy.
To be honest, I’m really not that great of a friend. At least, I don’t often enough go above and beyond for people. But, one thing I’m good at is, as boring as it sounds, being incredibly stable. I don’t freak out on people, I calmly listen to their problems, I don’t give advice when it’s obviously not wanted, and I try to let my friends be themselves and evolve.
In all of my relationship, I have to remind myself of #4. Seriously, I can be so petty sometimes.
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i think the best kept secret to love is loving people the way they most need and want it, instead of the way you would want it. when i say i want to be left alone, i mean it, so when my bestie withdraws, my instinct is to let her. but she wants to be drawn out, and i’ve learned to do that. she’s learned to just hold my hand or hold me while i cry and not try to chase the words out of me if they’re not ready.
one of my best girlfriends called me the other day. it had been two months since we talked, and she decided to end the madness, already. we met for dinner and drinks, and she confessed that she wondered if i was mad at her, and then she realized how silly she was being.
i need to do a better job of keeping in touch, but i love her that much more for caring enough to brave the silence…
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You are so lovely.
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I definitely needed this reminder. I’m not always a great friend; I am too easily wrapped up in my own life. Luckily, I have amazing friends who always forgive me for being a little MIA.
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I think being there for each other is the biggest thing. If you really care about your friends, you’ll WANT to be there. I can tell we’re growing apart when it slips their mind, or even my mind.
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Great tips, Amy. I loved this line: “Don’t get caught up in the petty score-keeping of who called who last.” I can get so caught up in this thinking and I have to literally stop myself with it. It’s such a slippery slope…sometimes, you have to be the one to keep reaching out.
I think I needed to read this today.
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I can’t tell you how right you are. My best friend and I have been through some shit and it’s taken us a long time to learn these things – all of them, even if we wouldn’t necessarily use these exact words. Thank you for sharing them
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be there, reach out and listen are at the top of my list for sure. I struggle with the don’t keep score/don’t hold on thing as well. it’s a tough balance.
based upon this list, looks like you’re a fabulous friend!
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[...] wrote an article on friends & I think it’s really important as women, that we listen to [...]
This is such a great post, thanks for writing it
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I think I’m a good friend. I get frustrated when I don’t feel like people are good enough friends in return… I struggle not to keep score.
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