A long time ago, when I worked at an art center for developmentally disabled adults, I had a co-worker who was incredibly crafty. She knitted and painted and made things that astounded me. One day, I was marveling at her latest handiwork, when another co-worker said, “She is really the most capable person I’ve ever known.”
Capable. I am sorry to get all “middle school essay” on you (hey, I’m a middle school writing teacher—it’s allowed!), but the dictionary definition mentions being gifted, talented, adept, able to do a variety of tasks. I like it.
The truth is that I am surrounded by capable people. I have friends who are crafty and make adorable creations. Friends who code websites with ease. Friends who can edit their adorable videos. I know people who take breathtaking photos and use photoshop on them with ease, creating a near-perfect image. Friends who can and pickle and bake complex creations like it ain’t no thing. I have friends who tackle math problems and do big jobs. I know people who stare literally anything in the face and say, “Yeah, I got this.”
In teaching, we have a phrase for the sort of student who can do it themself, but instead defers to a teacher or peer to do it for them. We call it “learned helplessness” because the student has learned that they don’t have to do anything without help, or in the worst-case, because someone will do it for them. As an educator, I try and force my students to do it themselves, to stop relying on their classmates, teachers and parents and to take risks, learn skills and become capable.
Lately, I’ve been feeling that I’m not always forcing myself to become capable. I rely on Andrew to do the “dirty work” of asking others for help, complaining about my food in a restaurant or addressing other issues. I shirk personal responsibility for learning how to fix my site or learn to properly edit photos. Instead of researching things on my own, I beg friends to help me or flounder about, wringing my hands. The thing is that I didn’t used to be this way. As a kid, I really and truly believed in myself…and somehow, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve lost that ability. Maybe I’ve fallen down too many times; maybe I’ve stopped challenging myself because of those little voices that say, “No way, you can’t.”
This isn’t something I’m proud of, by the way. I feel paralyzed by my own fears sometimes: what if I screw it up? What if I do it wrong? I have this desperate need for perfectionism—if I can’t do it perfectly the very first time, than I am not up for it. It’s unfortunate when I think of all the ways I’ve let this hold me back. In some ways, I’m afraid to be creative or try new things. I am not the best artist, a talented seamstress, a great gardener, an amazing photographer, an athletic runner or anything, really.
This post isn’t written to incite compliments or cries of “You’re talented!” (not that you would…I mean, who knows, you could all think I’m a huge noob and don’t know how to do anything!) but more because this is something I want to eliminate in my life. I want this year to be all about trying new things. About attempting to paint regularly, not because I’m flippin’ amazing at it, but because it brings me joy. I want to spend time huddled over some web design books and learn how to make cool buttons and make things look the way I want them to in my mind. I want to not be afraid of asking for help, voicing my opinions and needs and being real about how I’m feeling out of fear that others might be hurt. I want to learn how to use Photoshop and make cards and get my sewing machine out again and look at life with open eyes and the belief that I can do anything.
I want to teach myself to be capable.
Do you feel capable? Have you always felt that way? What is one area you felt more capable in?
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Ah, “capable.” Been here at this thunderstorm of thought – Jesus, I could have written this myself. I did write on this, actually. Thoughts are here: http://jurgennation.com/2009/12/03/illustrating-capability-and-apparently-candied-asses/
And you ARE capable. More than you think.
I don’t necessarily think that you don’t think that you are capable. I think sometimes it comes about as a result of sheer exhaustion. Sounds silly perhaps but sometimes we have a lot going on and I mean *a lot* in our lives so sometimes having someone help us out is great.
I know that I took the easy road sometimes in my last relationship and let him walk the dog when I was too tired even though I was totally capable. Or that sometimes I leave the dishes a little bit longer even though I can totally do them.
And then other times I know it’s an issue of confidence. Two weeks ago I had to teach a class to some adults. I’m 26. Teaching to a group who was collectively in there 50s. I made myself own the classroom and it worked out! It.Worked.Out. I was glowing all day.
Point of my comment: it’s ok to sometimes shirk responsiblity and it’s really great when you take life by the balls and own it =)
I feel your pain. Sometimes I really have to push myself to do things. Especially new things. But one thing I remember from being a teenager. Is this little tip. When I got myself worked up and near the point where I’m ready to try something. That I just counted “..1,..2,..3..” and boom I did it.
Oh my gosh I can empathise so very much with this. At this point in my life I am feeling maybe… 85% capable. I used to be a perfectly capable person, raised on positive reassurance for doing things well on my own; schoolwork, organising events, fundraising, writing, performing.. and it carried me through life. Somewhere in the midst of moving halfway across the world and going through a series of harmful and semi-abusive relationships, I lost all my confidence and belief in myself. It’s taken a while and I’m still in the process of getting back up again, but for me, I was pretty much in the *pit* of low self-esteem; forever worrying about what other people would think of me if I did something wrong, if I was too quiet, if I wasn’t as smart or opinionated or funny or what have you. It was pretty crippling and we have friends in common that can vouch for this! But one day I made the decision to get back to where I was before. Why? Not for other people’s benefit, or to feel popular, but because I knew it was in me. I *used* to be perfectly confident and capable, and I can’t control other people’s thoughts anyway, so I decided to put my energy into bettering myself as a person, getting back on track and living without fear or worry, and actually starting to *do* things for myself instead of hiding in the shadows and relying on other people. And I’m not going to lie, it’s sometimes been the scariest thing in the world, putting myself in the spotlight and allowing for the possibility of all sorts of social rejection/intimidation. But it’s all about taking the risk. And you know what? Through a series of small steps, every time has been absolutely fine. And doing that is what’s helped me move past my “incapability” and start being me again. And it would fill my heart with joy to see you do the same
I’m an extremely capable person, but I defer to Josh on things that I don’t really like doing, even sometimes when I know he’s not going to be as capable. I could say it’s a learning experience, but really it’s just laziness. To be fair, he defers to me on things he doesn’t like to do too. I think it washes out.
I like that you explained the dictionary definition of capable. I used that word to describe my body after weeks of vigorous yoga training, because instead of skinny or whatever, I started focusing more on what my body was able to DO rather than how it looked. Reading this kind of sheds a new light on that (and also motivates me to stop slacking on yoga even in the middle of the chaos that is my life right now).
Just the fact that you want to learn capability means you’ll get what you’re looking for. Clearly you are capable of recognizing areas of growth and going after them, and honey THAT is capability.
I’m glad it’s not just me who feels this way. I know people who can deal with anything life throws at them – I don’t know how they do it, but i would LOVE to be one of those people!
As I read your post, I sat here and thought “Me too!” to so much of it, but only knida. I’m great when I’m alone (or in the company of a few select friends) – I can take on the world. But you put me in front of people and ask me to do something and I freak out. Even something so simple as doodling – as soon as someone notices I’m suddenly incapable. I start thinking that everyone else knows more than I do and they’re secretly mocking how poorly I accomplish said task behind my back. “Paralyized by my own fear” is the perfect way to sum it up (I said a big “Me too!” to that paragraph). I’m learning to ignore the nasty voice that tells me I’m making a fool of myself, and to just do it (whatever it is). Who cares if I look like a fool – at least I tried.
I completely agree with previous commenters – the fact that you want to grow is a sign of being “capable.”
I have always been a very capable person. Part of it was circumstance (tasks being deferred to me at a young age, or nobody could do a certain thing except myself) but a large part of it, I think, has to do with the fact that I was homeschooled (technically, I did correspondence) and consequently, I’ve been self-taught and extremely independent for as long as I can remember.
Being capable, of course, has its upsides – you can do a wide variety of things, yes – but for me, I’ve always struggled with the fact that while I can do many things well, I am not *the best* at anything; merely average in everything. It’s a classic case of ‘jack of all trades, master of none’ – and it can be extremely frustrating at times when you lose sight of who you are (a capable person, not someone shooting for a gold medal) or during those moments when you begin to wish you were just extremely good at one thing and mediocre at best when it comes to everything else.
(Having said that, personally, I would never trade being capable for being good at one thing only!)
As I was reading this entry, I was thinking of any tips I could give you for becoming more capable, and the only two things that came to mind were, 1) care less about what other people will think, and 2) act as if no one can do this for you except yourself. Of course, both (particularly the first) are far easier said than done – but when it comes to starting something new and terrifying, like learning how to ice skate or becoming a photographer and showing your photos to actual people, you can either forget about trying in the first place and spend the rest of your life watching other people follow through what you wanted to do, or say “screw it!” and just do it for yourself.
I hope that helps!
I love this topic! I feel this way EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. Why can’t I be capable enough to know what I feel like everyone else my age knows how to do? I also get caught up in not being the best at something on the first try and just giving up. Although, we’re all capable at those things we’re practiced at, but we don’t credit ourselves enough because, we’ve already tackled them. Ugh, wish I had an easy answer for this one.
Aw! I totally relate to you 100%!!! I know exactly what you are talking about. That feeling…where you’re looking around and seeing all the great things others do (my current envies are people who: scrapbook beautifully, come up with crafts on their own, make jewelry, sew, and knit) and I’m like…How am I going to EVER be able to learn all of that…at nearly 25??? I am FINALLY making myself break that mold, however. When I was a kid I tried everything, anything, creative. And then when I got older…it’s like it all evaporated. Like I got sucked dry or something. And then…then it was the fear. The you-can’t-do-it-everyone-will-laugh-at-you-and-think-you’re-a-weirdo-for-even-trying-and-plus-you’ll-suck fear. I don’t know when I developed this fear but it is Paralyzing. But now I’m realizing that I really can do whatever I want, we all can, and it’s the fear that keeps people from being great, not the people. Because…in the end, we only get this one time around. And by that time I won’t care if I was any good or if everyone complimented me or if they laughed. What I’ll care about is how I feel about the whole thing. I want to look back and see that I tried things, know that I did everything I wanted. I want to feel fulfilled.
That is my driving force. Thank you for this post! You really got me thinking today (and typing apparently…I have a bad habit of being long winded.
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You are ever-so capable of somehow saying just how I feel, right when I feel it. How do you do it, ’cause you just did it again in this post! I have been struggling with being capable or rather, what I perceive as a lack of capability, lately. I think we all struggle with it in our own ways and frankly, when I meet someone who seems ueber capable, like great at everything and never afraid to just put on their big girl panties and just do something, part of me is all “whoa, I want to be her,” while the other part of me wants to spit on her and say, “shut up and stop being so perfect!” Okay, that might be extreme, but you get my drift… Anyway, I definitely see you as capable in so many ways and I hope you do, too!
On the coding front, I am far – FAAAAAAAR – from an expert, but I taught myself how to code my own damn websites and it makes me feel like a ROCKSTAR. Well, it actually just helps me feel like I have something in my life besides changing diapers. I vote Do It!
There are other things, however, about which I have no interest in being capable: fixing operating systems, programming the remote, making confrontational phone calls to the cable company, stuff like that. VERY HAPPY letting someone else be capable in those areas!
Thank you for this post. My husband is an “all or nothing”-kind of guy and it really stands in the way of him being great at things, because if he can’t be THE GREATEST, he’s not gonna try at all. This is what his Dad taught him and it makes me very sad. I am trying step by step to change this attitude.
I am a DIY-person and I generally have the attitude: I can do anything that I want to do – if I only try.
Kudos to you for trying to change your ways this year!
This is very honest, and I completely relate. Can I just say that you are capable of touching a lot of people with your words? I’m a new reader, but it’s evident.
I have a twin sister, and growing up, we had roles. I was the outgoing, seemingly confident one, while she was making things happen behind the scenes. Now, as an adult I’m kind of struggling with being both. Then, I always had boyfriends who were complete alpha males-they fixed things, ordered for me, put air in my tires. I’m 28 and still don’t know how to check the oil in my car. Now…I’m single and fending for myself. And I’m the girl at the gas station asking a stranger how to “use the air thingy”. But driving away on tires that I filled up is a pretty good feeling, however trivial it might be to someone else.
I really admire you for stepping outside of your comfort zone, and encouraging me to keep on doing the same. Thanks
I think that feeling capable has a lot of grey areas. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know enough about something, but to someone else, I am practically an expert. Though I am totally the kind of person that just sticks with what I know. I hate bowling because I’m bad at it. If I actually let loose and throw away me ego I’d bet I’d learn to like it even though I always lose, just because it is fun.
I love the way that the word capable jumped out at you like that because it really is such a strong, bold word that can encapsulate so much.
I want to start breaking out of my shell too and take more risks. Thanks for the reminder!
Everyone has their strengths… I know I look at people and wish I could be more like them in certain ways…
You? I wish I could have half the writing ability you have. You blog everyday (and I know I can count on a new post to brighten my day, no matter what!) and you write so well, with such insight and humor… that’s a lot of capability Amy.
I definitely feel the same way as you though… what the heck am I “capable” at?? Maybe 2010 is the time to discover it!!!
Interesting post. Often I know I’m capable but I just let myself fall back on what’s easy, what’s comfortable – what’s lazy. I need to get my ass in gear, basically. Thanks for the reminder!
I’m capable. I can do anything and deal with anything that life throws my way. If I can’t, I can teach myself how. Oddly, I never felt this way until I took the first job that laid me off… a job I HATED with every fibre of my being. But it was a job in market research, and if market research teaches you anything, it’s how to figure anything out all by yourself.
Part of doing things for yourself and teaching yourself how to do things you didn’t know how to do involves asking a lot of dumb questions and sometimes making a mess of things on your first try. And yeah, I get the feeling of wanting it to be perfect on the first try because I used to be that way too. But I think you should just force yourself to try something a few times because all it takes is for you to muddle through something not-quite-perfectly a couple times and have it turn out just fine in the end, to learn that sometimes Good Enough is better than Not At All For Fear of Being Imperfect.
“Learned helplessness.” Huge. HUGE.
I don’t ever really feel like a grown-up. Ever. I wonder when the time will come that I will feel like the adult in the room. Maybe when I’m married? After I have kids? When I’m 80? I sincerely have no idea. My best girlfriend and I have discussed this and she doesn’t feel like the grown-up either. She’s 35, has two babies under 2 and works full-time as a nurse. We used to hang out and watch her little ones and laugh forever when they crapped their diapers… us? WE’RE the ones who have to fix that? WAIT, WE ARE THE GROWN UPS?
And I think there’s a difference between that and being capable and until I read your post, I didn’t realize it. I AM CAPABLE. I’m not scared to do anything, I know I can do it. I don’t wallow (except when it comes to killing spiders), I don’t let things go by the wayside. My mom, a person who IS DEFINITELY A GROWN-UP TO ME still wants me to double-check the account numbers she writes (!) on the checks she mails (!) to pay bills. Because she doesn’t feel capable, because she doesn’t trust herself.
So here’s what I’m thinking: Trust yourself to be able, to take care of yourself and those around you in a pinch. Trust others to share in your life and boost your learning while they take care of you. And don’t become a grown-up.
Being in a relationship can definitely make you let go a little. I’ve notice this in me too. “Fiance, can you carry my suitcase up the stairs? Can you put air in my tires?” I never wanted to be one of THOSE girls. I think I just have to be like, hey, I’m my own person. It feels really good to see a challenge and conquer it.
I relate. I recently finally admitted out loud to myself and others that if I can’t do something well, I don’t want to do it at all. Which was, I think, the first step. Sometimes I have to force myself into a position where I HAVE to do it. (Or force myself to not run away from those predicaments.) And, when I do, I’m usually pretty happy with the outcome. Even if I’m not The Best at things like “motivating myself” or “hanging curtains” or “standing up for myself,” the fact is, I tried, and I did it. Knowing that makes me feel capable and confident to do more. Right now, I feel like I’m positively brimming over with potential and, Amy, it feels so good. All because I tried something I’d never tried before, and I felt good about it.
I like to think that I am an extremely capable person. There are things that I choose to not do, but I can usually do them or figure out how to do them. Google is wonderful for things like that.
This is a great goal. Generally, I suffer from the opposite problem of not being able to ask anyone for help. I don’t ever want to inconvenience anyone; I just want to figure it out on my own. That’s not really healthy either though. But, and not to completely contradict myself, sometimes I do fall into that pattern of helplessness, especially in regards to the things I suck at like cooking and confrontation.
[...] week, I wrote this post about being a more capable person. You all were so quick with the words of encouragement, the [...]
I want to respond to this, but it kind of hit a nerve and now I’m sitting here thinking about myself and I don’t really know what to say. I know the feeling, I do. Both on the hesitation to do anything for fear it’s not right, and to not bother if it’s something that I can’t be awesome at immediately.
I was always one of those annoying kids in school who was ridiculously smart and so everything (academically) came really easy. The trade-off was, of course, that I was extremely socially awkward and never really fit in. You would think that being smart and talented (humble, too) would have helped counter-balance the whole social inferiority-complex issues, but… nope. Kids are mean and they have a lasting effect. To this day, I second guess myself and I very carefully frame the image that I project because I want to protect myself from scorn.
What if I pick the wrong restaurant? What will people say – OMG, I can’t believe she likes *that* – what the crap is wrong with her? (insert a billion other self-doubting thoughts here). So it’s easier to be “flexible” than to step up.
When I know that, in actuality, I am full CAPABLE, as you say, of being assertive and making good decisions.
It’s just easier not to.
I think, though, that working in my job, I have gotten a lot better. A hard phone call needs to get made to a client? Guess what, there is nobody else that CAN do it. I just need to suck it up and deal with it. And I’m starting to get more and more confident in myself and in what I am doing. And it all follows.
From what I can tell, in my lurking, is that you seem like a very capable, confident woman, but you are also second-guessing yourself – because it’s scary to put yourself out there. But you are, and you can, and I think you need to give yourself more credit.
And now that I’ve written a mini-novel, I am going to retire for the evening.
*hugs*
[...] am taking a crochet class as part of my whole effort to be more capable and the first week was really fun! First of all, I’m taking it with Sandra, who is so [...]