This post is one of the more difficult I’ve ever had to write, though I’ve written it before, over and over on my blog and in my mind.
It’s about weight.
I hate that I’m here writing again about the fact that despite my best efforts at the beginning of the year, in the middle of the year and in spurts, I’ve still yet to lose weight. I hate that seeing photos of myself makes me cringe/cry/want to crawl in a hole. I hate that recently, someone actually made fun of my weight, and that it made me cry, even though I could not care less about that person. I hate that I’m afraid that more people will use this as an opportunity to do it again, or will judge me as weak or lazy or what have you.
I hate that I feel like a failure because I’m still hung up on this.
Beyond the obvious issue of the way I look, I hate that there are physical issues. I know it’s not healthy for my body. I know that I already can’t do certain things I want to feel good doing. I want to have an active life: to ride my bike around my neighborhood and run and swim and be active. I look at so many people who are living healthy lives and enjoying it. I know rationally what I need to do: I need a routine, to track my food, to exercise, to be positive about my body image. And it seems I start with the best intentions: I track and workout and tell myself that it’s going to be different this time.
And then, before I know it, I’m back at my old habits.
I’ve written about this here before, but there was a time in my life when I was thin. Scary thin. And I was obsessed with weight loss. I ate very few calories, worked out for hours and was generally very unhealthy about things. It was an obsession. I don’t want that again. My life is full of amazing things, and I don’t want to spend hours at the gym or log time obsessing about calories when I could be out living.
When I think about what I want out of this situation, I want to feel good. I want to shop for clothes in a smaller size, but more importantly, I want to not worry about how fat I look all the time. I want to be able to pose for photos and look at them without crying because I hate the way I look. I want to really enjoy outdoor activities because I can move and run and be free. I want others to not look at me and see “the fat girl.”
I want my body back, but I also know I need an outlet for some of my anxiety. I feel better when I’m working out, both mentally and physically. And while I know that, I still struggle to feel motivated.
I need to make this a non-negotiable.
I’ve re-joined Weight Watchers, something that terrifies me, because I haven’t always had the best success with it and I literally have a million issues with food. It’s easy for me to want to quit because I see that I’m not being perfect, or I get embarrassed about tracking my food. Still, the positive side of doing Weight Watchers was a daily awareness of my food intake and a place to be encouraged in regards to eating well. I have never been a fan of diets where you’re given an actual meal plan to follow, so I like that I still have some freedom.
I’ve also set a mini-goal of running a 5K on Thanksgiving. I ran a few years ago and I was painfully slow. I found out recently that the people from my job run in this yearly event and I want to be running alongside them. I downloaded the Couch to 5K program…again. I’m looking into ways that I can do physical activities that I enjoy, like riding my bike, taking walks with Andrew and swimming.
While yes, mentally and rationally I know that there’s more to me than my weight, and more to life than being thin, I also know that so many things in my life have come together. I love my job, my apartment, my relationships. This is still an area I’m struggling with. I want to conquer it, just as I have the other things.
I’d love your encouragement, your tips and especially the reassurance that y’all don’t think I’m a lazy whiner. I appreciate you letting me share something so hard to write about so openly.
Copyright © 2012
Thanks! I appreciate it.
I love what you said about making movement and learning along the journey—you’re so right. Thank you, Emily! I’m glad you find your way here—this was a really encouraging comment.
Thank you, Tori. I do need to forgive myself, you’re right—I’ve never actually thought about it that way. But it makes sense. Thanks for that.
I’d definitely be interested—I think a lot of people would. I’ve done a similar thing before and it was really helpful. Let’s email about it and see what we can put together.
I think you’re right about it being slow, but steady. Congrats on your weight loss! That’s amazing.
First, I’m sure you’ll look gorgeous at your wedding! But yes, I know you understand. xoxo
I appreciate the sympathies—because I need to know others get it, too. I wish you the best as you get started again, too.
My lips are sealed on the a-hole, but it was online and yes, it sucked.
I appreciate your love and encouragement, as always, friend. xo
It really sucks, right? I feel like I’m always super careful about what I wear and do, and I hate feeling that way. I’m glad you understand.
I think it really is hard to stick with something! Thanks for your understanding and encouragement.
That’s really great advice—it makes no sense to put life on hold when I could be out enjoying. Thank you for the encouragement.
Thank you, my love <3
I really loved your BIM post because it was so honest without slamming on yourself. It really is a journey. And no, this is not ass-vice—I know you get it.
Love you, thank you. I appreciate it. You’re my favorite too. Maybe I just need Pitbull to play his little guitar for me so I can lose my ass like a donkey.
Thank you, love. I appreciate the cheerleading.
The ankle thing must be so tough! And yes, it is SO HARD! I wish there was a motivation pill!
Stacey, THANK YOU! This is so sweet and encouraging. I appreciate it so much.
Thanks, love <3 We should do something healthy soon (like our yoga date!). xo
Congrats on your 3.6! That’s awesome! It really is easy to dish out advice (I do it all the time!) but to do it yourself is so hard. Thanks for your encouragement.
Thanks, Erin. I appreciate your encouragement so much!
We can work on it together <3 Thank you so much for the encouragement.
I def agree about the scale—I get scary obsessed with it, and that’s no good.
Thank you so much for the understanding—it really helps.
Working out and eating well take so long to work well, and the ever-changing clothing sizes are SO ANNOYING.
I’m thinking we might have to start an email chain or something—seems like there are a lot of us!
Thanks for the encouragement, it means a lot.
You’re so sweet <3 Thank you, friend.
Amber, you’re such an inspiration. I always look at your site and realize that yes, I can do it. I’m so proud of YOU and seriously, I admire you so much. Thanks for sharing your journey.
Thank you. I really appreciate your encouragement! <3
Thanks so much! I appreciate the kind words and encouragement. You’re so sweet!
I’m only 5″1, and yeah, I get it. I’m hoping WW will be similar to SP for me–some community and help. Thank you so much for your sweet comment!
Thanks, friend. You’re so sweet! The encouragement really does help.
I love you, too and our discussion was a lot of what allowed me to write this. Thanks for listening and reading.
Thanks, my love! <3
I love that you finished—the fact that you did it despite being slow is SO ENCOURAGING. I’m impressed by you! Thanks for your love and support.
You are not lazy, trust me. Changing your eating habits is effing HARD – I’m supposed to be eating healthier and exercising for health reasons, and I can’t even do that. Like, seriously, my stomach is literally in knots every day and I would feel 10x better if I just ate healthy, but it’s so difficult to change how you eat because it’s so ingrained in your life.
I know what a struggle it is, how hard it is to keep going when you “mess up” because you feel like there’s no point after you mess up that first time. All I know is that you can only keep going back after it and picking yourself up again no matter how many times you get off track, and eventually it will work. From what I read here, you’re a very motivated and hard-working person, and I believe you can do it.
I know you get it
I’m so glad that someone understands the struggle. I also completely understand thinking about food 24/7—it’s a double edged sword—I think about it when I’m not on WW and when I’m on WW. Such an issue.
Thanks for your encouragement! xo
Thanks, Mom. I love you—you’re always so supportive. And yes, we should do it together. You’re the best!
Wow, Bonnie, thank you so much. I appreciate your kind words and the fact that you shared such a positive WW story!
And stranger or no, your words mean a lot. Thank you! <3
Thank you, Cait. It’s amazing, isn’t it? I KNOW I’d feel better if I ate better, but it’s such a struggle. I appreciate your encouragement. You’re awesome.
I know exactly what you’re going through. I do the same things and get on track to lose it. I finally decided to really go for it and get a personal trainer. It isn’t exactly cheap but its also not that expensive and it makes a HUGE difference. I have an encouraging trainer who helps me feel good, and in a month I have seen results! That plus eating better helps but honestly for me, its been better to just go to the gym and see the trainer. Even if I fall off the good food train, I know Im working off calories. Losing weight is a tough but rewarding road that I and many others are on with you!! Its always a struggle but it can be done. Good job and great post!!!
Oh, girl. I gained 30 pounds during my last breakup and everything about this post resonates.
When it comes to the exercise thing, this is the biggest and best thing I’ve learned: no presh. It doesn’t need to be a big ol’ thing. There’s no Workout Cop who’s here to bust you.
Every single day, just once during the day (unless the spirit moves you twice), pull on your work out clothes (side note: make sure to have several cute, clean outfits so you have no excuse!) and a pair of running shoes and just go.out.side. That’s it. Toss the Couch to 5k for now. You can pull it out later, but for now? Just put on your shoes and go outside.
Look up some routes (using mapmyrun.com or google pedometer) so you have a sense for how far a mile is, etc. Some days you may jog three miles; other days you may just walk around the block. Most days you’ll probably do something in between. THERE IS NO WORKOUT COP. The only rule is you have you to put on your shoes and go outside. Every. Single. Day.
What I’ve discovered is this: if you put on your workout clothes and go outside every.single.day. you will build up a habit. After just a couple of weeks, you will seriously not even think about it anymore. It will be the most natural thing in the world. And THAT is when I recommend starting Couch to 5k. When you’re already OVER the hurdle of making yourself put on your shoes and go outside.
Because it’s a really big deal to build up a habit like that and I honestly think it’s hard enough without trying to do some intensely regimented workout program ON TOP of it.
Oh and also: love yourself. You are beautiful, girl. Inside, outside, and all over.
I’ve considered a personal trainer—I love that idea. Thank you so much for your encouragement. You’re so sweet!
Of course, you totally nail it. I love the idea of just doing it, just being outside and walking or listening to music and being active. I think this is so key—to build a habit first and then put a routine on it.
Have I told you lately how freaking WISE I think you are? You’re such a beacon, Laurie, seriously.
Thank you. Big love.
Oh Amy, this makes my heart hurt, because I know JUST how you feel.
I’ve had great success with WW myself, but I never went to the weekly weigh-in meetings. The great thing about the WW points system is that it isn’t a quick-fix diet, it teaches you healthy eating habits, restructures portion sizes and allows you “cheat points.” I plan to begin WW myself later this year, but until then, know I am cheering you on. You CAN do it and you WILL do it…but it’s a life style choice. The harder you work for it, the more you’ll keep up with it. Quick-fixes are for the unambitious, which you clearly are not.
Big hugs and TONS of encouragement, girl!
I think you are amazingly brave and honest and a wonderful writer. I think sometimes just writing it out really helps. This year I decided that by next year for my birthday I want to be healthy and at a lower body fat. Thats what I am working towards, 23% body fat and I have a way to go but I feel good. I didnt work out for a week but this post in encouraging me to get on track tomorrow!! Thanks!!!
Thanks, Whit. It means so much to me. I know that what you’re saying about WW is right—I’m hopeful it will really help me make long-term changes.
Dude. Dude. I feel you on this, so much. I’m one of those horrible freaks of nature who’s totally at peace with the way I look, but I realize there are things about my body that prevent me from living the life I want to live. And by “things” I mean “like sixty thousand unnecessary corned beef sandwiches.”
All foods are trigger foods, so I have nothing useful to say about that, but I am working my slow-ass, painful way through Couch-to-5k and, halfway through my fifth week, I’m finally beginning to love it. Four or five mornings a week, I roll out of bed and give myself one ultimatum: Lace ‘em and lock the door behind me.
Once you’re out the door, you basically have to run. It’d be silly not to!
Don’t think about losing weight. Think about gaining strength. You already cleave the world with the force of your personality. Be kind and loving to yourself in your quest to help make your body an extension of that world-changing badassness.
And, dude, screw up. Once, twice, a hundred times. It’s what humans do. Then just keep on trying.
I want you to write a guide at being at peace with it, ASAP
I love the idea of just doing it, just forcing yourself. I think you’re right.
And of course, thank you for your kind words. You really are so sweet and inspiring.
Dude, look in a mirror and repeat after me: “The world is a ship. And I? Its captain.” Repeat as necessary, or until you become so disgustingly self-confident that people no longer want to stand next to you at parties.
Warning: when attempting this method, it’s good to employ one unbiased dude to keep your ego in check. Mine is my stuffed elephant who, entre nous, thinks I’m something of a chump and mostly hangs out with me because I own all of the Curious George books.
Beautifully written! I don’t know a girl who doesn’t think and worry and fret over her weight/health/appearance, so I don’t think you’re in a minority here. I’ve put on a few pounds since returning from my honeymoon (though oddly enough, not on it!) and am disgusted with the way I feel and what I see when I look in the mirror. So know that you’ve got an army behind you who feel the same way!
Late, but – so. much. love. I think you’re beautiful. But you knew that.
You are such an inspiration. I admire your honesty & your sharing of such an important issue so many struggle with. Hugs to you & always know that you are loved! : )
xo-