This post is one of the more difficult I’ve ever had to write, though I’ve written it before, over and over on my blog and in my mind.
It’s about weight.
I hate that I’m here writing again about the fact that despite my best efforts at the beginning of the year, in the middle of the year and in spurts, I’ve still yet to lose weight. I hate that seeing photos of myself makes me cringe/cry/want to crawl in a hole. I hate that recently, someone actually made fun of my weight, and that it made me cry, even though I could not care less about that person. I hate that I’m afraid that more people will use this as an opportunity to do it again, or will judge me as weak or lazy or what have you.
I hate that I feel like a failure because I’m still hung up on this.
Beyond the obvious issue of the way I look, I hate that there are physical issues. I know it’s not healthy for my body. I know that I already can’t do certain things I want to feel good doing. I want to have an active life: to ride my bike around my neighborhood and run and swim and be active. I look at so many people who are living healthy lives and enjoying it. I know rationally what I need to do: I need a routine, to track my food, to exercise, to be positive about my body image. And it seems I start with the best intentions: I track and workout and tell myself that it’s going to be different this time.
And then, before I know it, I’m back at my old habits.
I’ve written about this here before, but there was a time in my life when I was thin. Scary thin. And I was obsessed with weight loss. I ate very few calories, worked out for hours and was generally very unhealthy about things. It was an obsession. I don’t want that again. My life is full of amazing things, and I don’t want to spend hours at the gym or log time obsessing about calories when I could be out living.
When I think about what I want out of this situation, I want to feel good. I want to shop for clothes in a smaller size, but more importantly, I want to not worry about how fat I look all the time. I want to be able to pose for photos and look at them without crying because I hate the way I look. I want to really enjoy outdoor activities because I can move and run and be free. I want others to not look at me and see “the fat girl.”
I want my body back, but I also know I need an outlet for some of my anxiety. I feel better when I’m working out, both mentally and physically. And while I know that, I still struggle to feel motivated.
I need to make this a non-negotiable.
I’ve re-joined Weight Watchers, something that terrifies me, because I haven’t always had the best success with it and I literally have a million issues with food. It’s easy for me to want to quit because I see that I’m not being perfect, or I get embarrassed about tracking my food. Still, the positive side of doing Weight Watchers was a daily awareness of my food intake and a place to be encouraged in regards to eating well. I have never been a fan of diets where you’re given an actual meal plan to follow, so I like that I still have some freedom.
I’ve also set a mini-goal of running a 5K on Thanksgiving. I ran a few years ago and I was painfully slow. I found out recently that the people from my job run in this yearly event and I want to be running alongside them. I downloaded the Couch to 5K program…again. I’m looking into ways that I can do physical activities that I enjoy, like riding my bike, taking walks with Andrew and swimming.
While yes, mentally and rationally I know that there’s more to me than my weight, and more to life than being thin, I also know that so many things in my life have come together. I love my job, my apartment, my relationships. This is still an area I’m struggling with. I want to conquer it, just as I have the other things.
I’d love your encouragement, your tips and especially the reassurance that y’all don’t think I’m a lazy whiner. I appreciate you letting me share something so hard to write about so openly.
Copyright © 2012
You can absolutely do it. I’m in kind of the same boat but because i walk 5 miles a day i am just in it with food. I started eating clean last week and i am down 7lbs as of this morning. For me, it’s been all about portion sizes and eating the right things when i am hungry and not just snacking on toast every day. It’s not hard it DOES take willpower though – loads of it
Anytime you need encouragement just email me – we can be diet buddies no problem
I’m a new reader, so I don’t “know” you that well yet, but I still feel compelled to leave you some encouragement. This post broke my heart a little bit because I know the unique pain that a struggle with weight carries. I’ve been a relatively healthy size my whole life, but that has not stopped me from being down on myself about my shape and size.
That being said, you can definitely do this. Use the support you can get–from Weight Watchers and any friends/family you feel you can trust to get behind you. I think the most important thing is to not just ride the wave of inspiration until it fades away, but to approach this as a serious life change. You don’t want to just lose weight, you want to be a healthy person.
Thanks for trusting us with something so close to you. I hope you find all the encouragement you need, and more.
I’m right there with you, in every respect of this blog post. EVERY respect. Always being the ‘big girl’ or the ‘fat girl’ has played havoc on my self esteem over the years – and here I am at 26, still here. I like myself; I just wish for different things.
I’m on a journey now – starting with portion control, and it’s a SLOW journey, but one that seems to be working. To me though, it’s just as hard working on the mental aspect of weight loss, as the physical one. Here if you need to chat.. lord knows I’m going through it too! x
Amy, you are not whining. You are not lazy or pathetic or any such thing other than a woman who has set a goal and now wants to reach it. I always think of losing weight like this: it took me X amount of time to gain this weight, to adopt this negative mindset, etc., etc., meaning it will take X amount of time to change it.
Maybe commit yourself to writing one post per week about your weight loss journey? Or perhaps join a biking group? Whatever route you take, I’m cheering you on along the way.
xoxoxoxoxo
Girl, we are in this together. Have you ever considered jazzercise? It’s soooo much fun, just an hour, and it’s over before you know it. Now that I do it 4-5 times a week I am finally noticing a difference. Also, and this is on my blog somewhere, I started a whole food journal. Basically I wrote about all the foods out there I could chose from. I made it personal to me. A few other things have helped me too, let me know if you want to hear them! Big Love!!!
This post is so the opposite of lazy and whining. I think you have a good plan to tackle this and I think you’re totally going to succeed. But, I also know that this whole weight-loss, healthy lifestyle thing is hard and everyone struggles with it. You’re definitely not alone.
Also, whoever says mean things about you or to you should be smothered with feral cats! People can be awful sometimes!
It’s fine to have those moments of unhappiness with our bodies. It’s what motivates us to get healthier. Even people who are tiny have body issues!
The couch to 5k program is fine, but honestly just start running. While you’re out there make yourself a goal, I’m going to run to that next driveway. Then walk when you have to. When I started I could only run 1/2 mile…downhill! But now I’m training for a half marathon and I have a pretty good PR for the 5k.
Keep it positive and I know you’ll make it!
So not whining! I feel the EXACT same way. It’s such a constant struggle, this weight thing. And even though it shouldn’t matter, it DOES.
Your plan sounds great. I’ve had success with WW, and sometimes you (or at least I) just need some strict guidelines to keep you on track. The Thanksgiving 5K sounds like a super goal as well! I’ll be rooting for you!
Hey there! I found your blog through a friend of a friend and I love it. I know I don’t know you, but I know what it’s like to struggle with emotional eating ish and I know what it’s like to be a human and because of that, I know that you can overcome this area of struggle. Maybe you won’t overcome it every second of every day, but as long as you’re making more movement toward your goals than you are moving away from them, you’ll get there. Plus, the “there” part is so ambiguous that you might as well just enjoy learning from the journey as you figure out the way.
Also, Geneen Roth is an author who’s written lots of books on emotional eating and I think they’re great. Maybe something she’s written can give you an extra boost of hope.
Good luck!
I don’t think you’re a lazy person or a whiny person. You’ve shown through your blog that you work your tail off at the challenge of the day. Now that you’re happily employed, you’re ready to work on your health.
But I do have a suggestion: forgive yourself for your weight. Easier said than done, I know, but I’ve found that I am not successful at weight loss if I’m beating myself up for past choices. Good luck with WW and Couch to 5K!
I struggle with this too, and am currently attempting to change my mindset and thinking when it comes to my health and well being. I need to start thinking about it as a health change more than a weight loss thing I think.
I dont know if you interested at all, but what about possibly starting some kind of group or email thing, where we email each other once a week or whenever you feel down or need for inspiration?!
Weighty is such a hard subject to tackle. I’ve been slowly losing weight for the past 4 or 5 months. Its hard watching what I eat and making myself walk the dog or ride my bike. The weight didn’t go on over night and it wont come off overnight as much as we wish for a quick fix. You are heading in the right direction, doing what you need to do and setting goals. Thats the most important part, taking action! I have no doubt that you will meet your goals.
I feel you. I feel the same emotions, the same disappointment that my wedding is less than 4 weeks away and I STILL haven’t dropped the extra 10 pounds I gained over the past 2 years. Frustrating to fall back into old habits. I wish it were easy. I wish I could tell you the secret to all this. I wish I could tell you that this time, it’ll be different. Instead, I’ll just tell you that I understand.
First of all, how awful that someone would make fun of your weight. That is so pathetic and I cannot believe that at our age people would still be so petty over something like that.
Other than that, I am in the same boat as you. I have actually gained weight (and not just a few pounds, more like 10) in this year because I neglected my eating habits while I was stressed out over studying for my final exams. I am actually still a member of WW Online, I joined in December last year but I haven’t been using the resources at all in months. I have also been paying for my gym membership and the last time I went was in January. Now that I’m done with my exams I had plans to make the last 6 weeks here (before I move) all about losing weight, but it has been harder to go back to that routine. As a result, I have probably gained another pound or two (I haven’t weighed myself) and have yet to go to the gym. It’s just so hard to go back to that after months of eating candy bars and chips and whatnot.
I’m sorry that this is not very encouraging, because I am struggling so very much right now as well, but just know you are not the only one.
Before I get started, who in the world is the a-hole you made fun of you? I will gladly fly out there and beat them up. Seriously. That’s just so ridiculous and they obviously have an insecurity they need to deal with.
Routines are hard.
It’s hard enough to go to work, come home, be a perky girlfriend, be a good friend, be good to yourself. Sometimes the stress of adding another routine, like the gym and positive food interactions are just plain hard. With that said, I know that you’re a strong-willed beautiful woman and I know that you can set your mind to do anything that you want.
Setting goals and being realistic about what you want to acheive sounds like a great first step in the right direction.
Coming from an honest place, I’m struggling with motivation when it comes to healthful eating and the gym as well. I signed up for a 10K in October and my training starts next week, so I’m a bit nervous but also kind of excited. I miss the days of challenging myself, of feeling positive about my body image.
Proud of you (as cheesy as that sounds) for sharing this with us. You’re an inspiration!
I’m the same way – I hate seeing pictures of myself, I’m careful about what I wear and I loathe the fact that I haven’t been able to drop the weight I want. I want to ride my bike or jog, but currently its too hot (its over 100 here). I keep telling myself that when the fall comes around, I’ll be active again. One thing that helps me stick to a plan, is giving myself a rewards schedule – after a week of doing whatever I get a small treat (a new dvd); a month, a slightly larger treat (new clothes); 2 months . . . etc.
You’re not a failure at all – you have the desire and are taking steps in the right direction. Now you (and me) just have to stick to it
You’re so beautifully honest, Amy. I think everyone is on a journey, and that you’re having a hard time getting into a habit that works for you doesn’t mean that you’re failing! It just means that you’re still on the path
Adding something new into your life is really hard, I’ve been trying to be consistently active all summer, and I can go for two weeks & then it all falls apart again. But I’m going to keep starting again and changing how I’ve been approaching things until I find something that really works for me. Just don’t give up on yourself, lady. Take it slowly, and I know that when you find a way of getting active that fits into you life you’ll start to get excited about it.
And please don’t beat up on yourself too much miss, you’re one of the good ones. <3
I would like to wish you good luck and let you know you’re definitely not alone.
As for the a-hole who was ‘making fun’, ‘Physical appearance can change, but ignorance is forever.’
Last, please don’t let your size dictate your activities. I’m fat but I still go swimming all the time, ride my bike to work & for fun, even ride a longboard (skateboard), and camp + hike. Get outside and just enjoy life & many times the ‘exercise’ just comes naturally
.
oh, amy. just so you know, when i close my eyes and think about you, i see your kind eyes and a very pretty smile and the most perfect blond ringlets i have ever seen. you are so beautiful. know this.
that said, i know what it feels like to hate your weight, to feel so heavy and slow and thick, like every movement is through overcooked oatmeal.
no one can wave a wand and take away the shame, but everyone has their bugaboos. everyone has something they want desperately to change and can’t seem to get their arms around. like, maybe, smoking. or not getting up on time. or zeroing in on other people’s biggest flaw or deepest insecurity because it makes one feel safer about their own flaws…
you are beautiful, and i heart you so, and you can and will do this. someday, someway, somehow.
xoxo
I know that this is a tough goal to reach (obvs, I struggle myself!) but make sure to keep in perspective that this is only one part of your life. You do a million things well and you are so much more than just a number on the scale. There is no need to focus on this one part of your life and let it bum you out — you are so rad in so many ways, don’t let one little challenge get you down. No one is 100% accomplishing all of their goals, all of the time. You will get there, I know it. It’s a journey. Try and enjoy who you are and who you are becoming, don’t dwell on making yourself feel bad about what you haven’t done. I hope that doesn’t come off sounding like ass-vice. I really just want you to be happy, you deserve it, but more importantly you have earned it!
I would have never considered you to be a lazy whiner! You’re being honest and sharing something that bothers you, which I can guarantee most other people wouldn’t have the guts to do on the internet. I know I don’t!
People can be cruel, and that person who said that thing to you was just an all-around ass (everyone agrees. The great thing is that you have a much larger support system who loves you and will back you through this whole thing… you’ll do it.
Oh, and you’re my favorite.
Between your own sagacious commentary on the subject and the love of all other commenters, I’m left with nothing new to say. But I want you to know I’m rooting for you and your pursuit of a healthy new life. *shakes the pompoms!*
I was always effortlessly thin until about a year or two ago. The combination of stress, less exercise, and bad food means that I’d put on almost 25 pounds. Since I’ve never had to eat healthy or intentionally exercise before, I’m having a really hard time remembering to do it. But I, like you, look at pictures of myself and feel like crying. In my case, the problem is compounded by the fact that I have a weak ankle and almost any strenuous activity results in pain or a new injury.
I wish there was some magic way to get motivated and stay motivated!
A hard thing to admit and talk about for sure. I feel the EXACT same way. I found your blog recently through another blog I read and you are very encouraging! Go with the flow. Start off slow and be realistic. Your thoughts and feelings are a mirror image of my own and you are inspiring to read – you go girl!
You are not a lazy whiner. I repeat, you are not a lazy whiner. And anyone who thinks that about you can take it up with ME (I’m freakishly strong you know).
I believe in you, and I believe you can lose the weight you want to lose.
You are beautiful.
I am right there with ya. I just rejoined WWonline about a month ago. I struggle with it sometimes, but I know it works. I’ve lost 3.6 lbs in the past 2 wks and I hope it keeps going. It’s ridiculously hard to make changes. It’s weird, because I help others make changes everyday. I’m a lifestyle coach who focuses on weight mgmt/exercise/nutrition (and stress mgmt). I can help others do wonders, but for myself it’s hard (it’s the mental struggle with it all). I’m just taking it one step at a time. One day at a time really.
Big hugs, girl. Changing your food habits is SO hard. I wish I had some good advice for you, but I will say that I absolutely believe in you…and that it is 100% ok to whine about how hard this is!
Lady, you are NOT a lazy whiner. I admire your ability to see so clearly what you want to change. It’s really easy to ignore specific behaviours or qualities – you’ve tackled the hardest part! You have identified what you want to change and you’ve made a plan. You rock!
I’ve not got any wisdom to share – I’m a quitter. I start something (karate, swimming, various diets, etc) and then quit after 6 months or so. I need to work on my staying power
Reading this, I almost thought I wrote this post myself, except for the fact that I was never thin. I’ve always been the big girl. The fat friend. I keep trying to change things, to eat better and exercise more in order to have a healthier life style. These would help me lose weight which in return would allow me to like pictures of myself and not change my outfit 7 times before breaking down crying because “I look fat no matter what I wear”. I don’t think you are whining at all and I think you can do it!
My biggest struggle is not weighing myself. That number on the scale can be deceptive. I try to go off how I feel rather than if I lost a pound or two. I suggest boycotting the scale too!
If you need someone to “whine” to or complain to, I’m here because I understand.
<3
I’m pretty much in the same boat as you. I used to be pretty skin, although I was never healthy. I was skinny because I was depressed and never ate. And then I gained a lot of weight. And while now I’m at a point where I don’t cry everyday because of how I look, I almost never go shopping because I don’t fit in clothes and it reminds me of my weight.
I would love to loose weight. I’ve never been sure how to go about it, I used to try working out but it never worked so I’m hesitant to try and not loose anything.
I’m also hesitant because if I loose just a little I can’t wear plus sized clothes anymore but regular still won’t fit! That’s just as frustrating as now.
Anyways, I don’t have any tips for you but just wanted to let you know, you are not alone in the least! If you want someone to talk to or maybe have a person to keep you in line and keep that person in line with exercising let me know
And good luck!
You know what? When you speak, I find it very difficult to consider you lazy. You are the most animated storyteller I know, on top of being effing hilarious.
And another thing: I think it’s rare to meet someone who _is_ comfortable with their weight. I don’t wanna say this makes you normal because I believe you’re special, but honestly? Yeah, you’re blending in with your level of self-esteem. We can all identify with it.
That said, we are definitely cheering you on. Think of us as virtual versions of those people holding cups of water for runners.
Aww I’m sorry that someone was so ridiculously insensitive that they would make a comment about your weight. That is ridiculous. I know how you feel, though, because I’ve had it happen to me.
It took me a long time to get where I am today. 2.5 years to be exact. And some days it’s still a real struggle. Some days I feel *fat* (even though I hate that word) and some days (like today) I have to FORCE MYSELF to get out the door and run because all I want to do is go back to bed.
My biggest piece of advice, something that took me a long time to figure out, is that each day is a new day. So you have a bad eating day while on WW? Oh well. The next day is a BRAND NEW DAY to start over. Don’t let one bad day turn into two or three or three bad days to turn into a month.
Good luck lovely. For what it’s worth, I think you’re gorgeous! XO
You are beautiful, and I love your writing, but I am sorry that your weight pains you so much. You are not alone in this struggle, and to read that someone actually made fun of your weight makes me want to KICK THEM IN THE TEETH!!!
Good luck with getting back into a safe and healthy routine.
Oh goodness. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
There’s definitely more to you than your body. Your awesome sense of humor, your writing skills, your friendliness. But I can understand, your physical self-image is intricately tied in with your general self-image, and it hurts when we don’t look the way we want to.
Props to you for looking for ways to work out without resenting it. If I were in your situation, I’d probably be in a much deeper funk. I admire how you’re being proactive and hope you feel better soon. *hug hug hug*
I just joined SparkPeople last week and already feel that it’s going to be a huge motivator. I’ve been tracking my calories and my exercise daily and there are all kinds of groups to join. I weighed myself last week for the first time in a looooong time and am almost 50 lbs overweight. And I’m only 5’2″! I think what you said about making it a “non-negotiable” is key. There will always be days when we don’t feel motivated, but we should just suck it up and go for a walk or ride our bike or SOMETHING.
And for the record, you’re not being whiny or lazy or annoying or whatever. You’re being honest and open about your health concerns, which is more than a lot of people can say. I wish you luck and I’m more than happy to do what I can to keep you motivated!
Oh Amy, you are not alone. I love you for your honesty and willingness to share your struggles with us. I am a cheerleader for you! And even in moments like this when you feel like you are totally alone, remember– there are others of us who feel the same way and we are supporting you!
Just wanted to say that I love you, I hear you, and I am proud of you for writing this – I know it wasn’t easy.
Also, for any future douchebags out there who make fun of anyone’s size: “I can lose weight. You will always be an asshole.”
You are so strong, girl. You can do it. I admire you so much.
Hi Amy. First off, the person who made fun of your weight? Pathetic. The issue is theirs, not yours. In the pictures you post, you’re beautiful, but if you don’t feel so and want to do something about it, you totally can. From being unable to run for a train, to joining two half marathons so far this year. I’m one of the slowest out there, but it’s my race so I keep on going. Actually, I was so slow the last time, the roads had reopened and someone offered me a lift to the finish because they thought I must have been injured
To my everlasting pride, I declined and finished. 
The reason I keep coming back to your blog is because you have such a get up and go spirit, nothing whiny about you.
Oh, Amy. I can completely understand everything you wrote in this post. I feel like I’ve been on a rollercoaster Weight Watchers journey for 3 years now. I start, do really well, feel like it’s too hard, and quit. The program works, when you do it the right way, but it is SO HARD to change habits that feel so instilled in your every being. I think about food 24/7 and sometimes can give myself headaches from trying to make the right decision! It’s pretty pathetic.
Thanks for your honesty on this post and I’m totally up for a Weight Watchers email buddy if you’re so inclined.
Sweetie you can do whatever you set your mind too. But weight does not define the amazing, smart, funny, talented and loving person you are.
I need to join you in this adventure too.
And for the person who made fun of you-really what an idiot and loser.
I love you!!!
I’m a new reader, but I’ve gone back through your blog and read page after page, I love the way you write. I read this post and I felt a deep understanding – I was at the same point not too long ago. I weighed much more than was healthy, and I longed not to feel self-concious and deep self-loathing every time I went anywhere.
I joined Weight Watchers not too long ago, and even though I am not at my goal weight yet, it has helped me immensely.
That being said, I know you can do this. Use the support you can get–from Weight Watchers (I find the meetings really helpful) and I have found that being open with my friends/family about why I joined Weight Watchers has been freeing – and I have recieved much more support and love from them than I thought I would.
I know you can do this. Don’t listen to detractors, because I think you’re awesome (and even though that may not seem like much coming from a complete stranger).
I admire your honesty and strength!
I’m so proud of your 7 lbs! And yes, we can do it…willpower is key. Thanks for the encouragement.
Lucy, thanks for being willing to comment and for being a new reader. Your encouragement means a lot!
Thanks, Aly. I can totally get that—like, I think I’m a good person, I just have this “thing”. Portion control is a good start, and yes, the physical aspect and the mental one are equally challenging. I’ll be cheering you on, too!
Thanks, friend. I will definitely be writing about it.
I love the idea of listing all the foods I CAN eat. That’s a great idea!
Thank you for your kind words! <3
Thanks, Kari. I bought a heart rate monitor and I think I will probably just start running and make my own goals.
I appreciate your support!