This post is one of the more difficult I’ve ever had to write, though I’ve written it before, over and over on my blog and in my mind.
It’s about weight.
I hate that I’m here writing again about the fact that despite my best efforts at the beginning of the year, in the middle of the year and in spurts, I’ve still yet to lose weight. I hate that seeing photos of myself makes me cringe/cry/want to crawl in a hole. I hate that recently, someone actually made fun of my weight, and that it made me cry, even though I could not care less about that person. I hate that I’m afraid that more people will use this as an opportunity to do it again, or will judge me as weak or lazy or what have you.
I hate that I feel like a failure because I’m still hung up on this.
Beyond the obvious issue of the way I look, I hate that there are physical issues. I know it’s not healthy for my body. I know that I already can’t do certain things I want to feel good doing. I want to have an active life: to ride my bike around my neighborhood and run and swim and be active. I look at so many people who are living healthy lives and enjoying it. I know rationally what I need to do: I need a routine, to track my food, to exercise, to be positive about my body image. And it seems I start with the best intentions: I track and workout and tell myself that it’s going to be different this time.
And then, before I know it, I’m back at my old habits.
I’ve written about this here before, but there was a time in my life when I was thin. Scary thin. And I was obsessed with weight loss. I ate very few calories, worked out for hours and was generally very unhealthy about things. It was an obsession. I don’t want that again. My life is full of amazing things, and I don’t want to spend hours at the gym or log time obsessing about calories when I could be out living.
When I think about what I want out of this situation, I want to feel good. I want to shop for clothes in a smaller size, but more importantly, I want to not worry about how fat I look all the time. I want to be able to pose for photos and look at them without crying because I hate the way I look. I want to really enjoy outdoor activities because I can move and run and be free. I want others to not look at me and see “the fat girl.”
I want my body back, but I also know I need an outlet for some of my anxiety. I feel better when I’m working out, both mentally and physically. And while I know that, I still struggle to feel motivated.
I need to make this a non-negotiable.
I’ve re-joined Weight Watchers, something that terrifies me, because I haven’t always had the best success with it and I literally have a million issues with food. It’s easy for me to want to quit because I see that I’m not being perfect, or I get embarrassed about tracking my food. Still, the positive side of doing Weight Watchers was a daily awareness of my food intake and a place to be encouraged in regards to eating well. I have never been a fan of diets where you’re given an actual meal plan to follow, so I like that I still have some freedom.
I’ve also set a mini-goal of running a 5K on Thanksgiving. I ran a few years ago and I was painfully slow. I found out recently that the people from my job run in this yearly event and I want to be running alongside them. I downloaded the Couch to 5K program…again. I’m looking into ways that I can do physical activities that I enjoy, like riding my bike, taking walks with Andrew and swimming.
While yes, mentally and rationally I know that there’s more to me than my weight, and more to life than being thin, I also know that so many things in my life have come together. I love my job, my apartment, my relationships. This is still an area I’m struggling with. I want to conquer it, just as I have the other things.
I’d love your encouragement, your tips and especially the reassurance that y’all don’t think I’m a lazy whiner. I appreciate you letting me share something so hard to write about so openly.
Copyright © 2012
You’re definitely not a lazy whiner. Losing weight is hard. It takes work and time and the process of eating healthier and living healthier is never ending. On the upside, every day is a fresh start. If you’re over your points one day you just start over the next. (I love weight watchers, by the way.) Good luck!
You are absolutely not a lazy whiner. Getting in shape and losing weight is hard. It’s hard to find something that works for you and that you enjoy and it’s easy to quit when progress doesn’t come as quick as expected. Like you said, the key is finding something you enjoy and finding a routine.
So try a few things out, different things, things you maybe haven’t tried before, and see what you like. See what works. See what makes you feel good. I just tried Jillian’s Yoga Meltdown and fell in love. I’ve never been a work out video person because I am insanely uncoordinated, but it works for me and I feel good doing it.
1) I love you
2) You are seriously one of the most beautiful people i know, inside and out.
3) I lost 10 pounds last year on Weight Watchers. It definitely wasn’t easy (as my mom can attest to, as she had to listen to most of my whining as I counted out the 15 goldfish I could eat as a snack), but it does work better than anything else I’ve ever tried to lose weight.
4) Make sure you pick something somewhat fun to do as a work-out, or else you’ll stop after two weeks. Period.
5) That’s all I’ve got. Except that I love you. Did I already say that?
Oh, Amy, as happens so often, I feel like I could’ve written this. I, too, made a goal of running a 5K by Thanksgiving, with my family of runners, to surprise them – and myself. But I live in an area that’s all hills, & I’ve given up so quickly… Now, my new boyfriend is planning to come to Ohio for Thanksgiving with us, & I want even more to be able to do it. He’s in the military – 5K is nothing.
Let’s encourage each other? And then celebrate together virtually?
Dude. EVERY woman struggles with her weight. No matter what size she is, it’s never the right one. I totally feel you on this one but I’m too unmotivated to do anything about it, so you are already six steps ahead of me. HUGS!
I know how you feel, and I’ll venture to say that every woman (or most every woman) has a moment like this in her life. And it’s in these moments where we decide what we need to do… and it sounds to me like you’re taking the right path and starting on a journey to be healthier. I’m trying to do the same thing. And I know it’s going to be amazing for both of us!
I have zero advice about portion size, about running, about loving yourself, about getting over it or on it or whatever. I have no advice about being healthy or wise or body issues.
But I do believe, in all my heart, that you are intuitive and wise and determined and above all you know yourself and your body and your life. And that at some point, you will get where you’re going, even if it wasn’t where you set out to be.
My only advice is to remember that we are here, and you are there, and between us all, we will cheer you on until the only voice in your head doesn’t talk about carrots and treadmills, but the love we’ve got for you. xo
obviously you know everyone is behind you. thanks for sharing your honest feelings. i’m sorry the other kids can be a-holes. i hope at some point you care what other people think less.
big hug.
i’m not going to add much that the other commenters haven’t already said. however i wanted to chime in and say i feel EXACTLY THE SAME WAY sometimes.
the things that have helped my body image the most?
1. yoga with michelle and the self-acceptance-posse at it’s all yoga. i’ve drunk the self-acceptance iay koolaid and it tastes great.
2. turning 40. i know you youngsters think you’ll never feel better about yourselves, but i promise that if you practice, by the time you are my age, you will. in fact, you’ll probably give a crap less what anyone thinks of anything.
yesterday i weighed more than i ever have in my WHOLE LIFE. my response? hmmmm, i guess i really am going to have to go back on weight watchers FOREVER, go to a gym and be nice to myself. not shame or anger, just observation.
i guess i better get myself down to capital athletic club today. the groupon month is going to expire soon!
I’ve had this page open in my browser for days so that I could tell you: You are so beautiful. And I can’t wait to get to hug you one day soon and very soon.
As far as advice, I would say, most of all: believe in yourself and be patient. It IS going to happen, because you want it to.
What has been working specifically for me recently has been calorie counting and committing to doing something active each and every day. If I don’t do it daily, I just lose all my momentum. So even if it’s five pound free weights, I’m doing it, daily, and you know what? I’m totally seeing results, which is just the motivation I’ve been needing to keep me going.
I would also say: sign up for that race as soon as you can! There is nothing better to get you (see also: me) out the door than a race looming in the distance. I ran a 5K in March, and just signed up for a 10K in October. I’m scared to death, but that’s half the fun! (xoxox!)
I definitely wish we lived close to each other so we could become weight loss buddies and do this together. I’ve done WW before and it was a success (obviously not at keeping it off) and I’m seriously considering joining again.
Good luck – we can do it!
Sorry this comment comes so late… I’ve been offline for pretty much the last two weeks and didn’t read this until now. I understand your frustration, but I do believe that you can do anything that you set your mind to.
If you ever need a work out buddy, you know I live just around the corner and we could meet up for an evening walk/jog if you like.
I totally feel you on this one. I understand the frustration and the desire to make things happen. I’m still working on my weight/healthy living issues myself and still have about 60 pounds and a bunch of fitness goals to go.
Good luck! If you ever want to chat about anything health related let me know.