Last week, I spent time with someone who is kind of in a “blah” place in life. My friend spilled out all the reasons life feels crappy right now, and closed with, “I’m sorry. I feel really bad about feeling sad.”
A few years ago, I spent a lot of time in therapy. When I started, I was simultaneously broken and angry and heartbreakingly sad. But I didn’t go in there like that. Instead, I’d put on a cute outfit, do my hair and slap on a smile to go talk about my feelings. At first, I was kind of successful (or so I thought) in keeping things easy and surface. But later on, as the discussions got deeper and I started to really care about getting healthier, I had to start actually talking. And the thing I heard myself saying most often was, “I feel bad for feeling bad.” I felt such guilt for being sad, for having anger about anything and for feeling less than completely thrilled with my life.
The best thing I learned in therapy was to sit with things, and that it was okay to feel all of the feelings. For some reason, I’d convinced myself that everyone else was really, really happy 24 hours a day, and that something was wrong with me if I felt even a hint of sadness. And, if I did feel sad, I felt like I had to prove my sadness, to justify that I had the right to feel sad in the first place. I felt like there wasn’t room or reason to sometimes have an off day, or to have entire seasons where I wasn’t sad, per se, but instead, felt kind of meh about life.
The older I get, the more I embrace my right to be not okay. Not mean to others, or wildly depressed, but to feel a little blah from time to time. I recognize that not every day is meant to be bursting with joy. Sometimes, things are just okay, or even a little icky. And instead of beating myself over that, I’ve tried to employ the following strategies:
- Declare it a “not okay” day. I think it’s hard to embrace the suck, sometimes. I feel guilty for admitting it. No more. Now, I say to myself, “Today just isn’t your day” or “Man, this day isn’t very good, is it?” It releases the pressure to feel upbeat or pretend it’s a good day.
- Take cover. If I know I’m in a “mood” I tend to hibernate a bit, at least temporarily. I usually eat lunch in my classroom, take a step back from social media to avoid a litany of bummer tweets, and write in a journal instead. If I feel like I want to talk to someone, I call one of a few trusted people and make it clear that I don’t want help or advice, but just to get it out.
- Set a timeline. If I’m brooding over something in particular, I give myself a bit of time. I say, “You can feel sad about ___________ until midnight, but after that, it’s time to move on.” And then, I wallow unabashedly. But when the time is up, I force my brain to move on.
- Be nice to myself. If I’m feeling a little fragile, I try to take extra good care of myself. Gretchen Rubin once wrote about how she finds it helpful to refer to herself in third person when expressing a need: “Gretchen gets grumpy when she’s hungry, so I’m going to feed her a snack.” While I’m careful to do this ONLY IN MY HEAD, I do often remove myself from the scenario a bit, and say things like, “Amy will feel better if she gets a full night of sleep, so she’s going to bed at 8:30″ or “Amy would feel less stressed if she didn’t have to cook dinner tonight, so I’m going to order her some Thai food.” Even when I’m talking about myself NOT in the third person, I try to identify what’s going to make me feel better in the moment and then I do it.
- Act the way I want to feel. Another Gretchen Rubin tidbit. Sometimes, if I’m in a funk, I act really happy to change my mood (this obviously comes after the wallowing and the being nice to myself). I liken it to that first shower and trip out of the house when you’re sick: you may not feel totally ready, but you usually feel better once you do it. Once I’m into my normal routine and at least pretending to feel cheerful, I find that I feel better.
- Be pre-emptive. I have a playlist of songs that cheer me up. I tuck a gift card or two into my wallet for down days so that I can stop and buy something cute or special. I keep a few pieces of dark chocolate stashed around. I try to make an off day not feel like a big deal, but instead, something I can deal with pretty painlessly. It helps me stay calm and grounded instead of frantic about the sadness.
- Know when it’s too much. Sometimes, a few crappy days turn into a few crappy weeks and suddenly, it’s like I’m drowning in The Sads. I keep track of my days when I’m feeling down, and at a certain point, I know it’s time for further action. I talk to a friend, call my therapist and get aggressive about self-care.
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New Blog Post: Off days and resisting the urge to always be happy…:
Last week, I spent time with someone who is… http://t.co/xjDLBlqK
I can totally relate with this post. Because I am generally very happy-go-lucky, people can’t seem to handle when I am feeling sad or down or more quiet than normal. I then feel guilty for feeling whatever emotion other than happy and joyful. I have had to come to the realization that people shouldn’t rely on me for their happiness
I am allowed to have an off day and that is just fine. And nothing is worse than being around an optimist that is telling you everything is dandy in the middle of a crisis. One of my fave optimist quotes, “I know it is hard to lose a child, but at least you have 10 more left.” I actually overheard that at a funeral. WOW. Anyways, when I am down, I find that enjoying simple things, such as a walk with my kids, or even a long shower or watching Music & Lyrics can totally boost my mood back to ‘normal’. I used to want to shop, but that happiness is not real!
This is such a great post, Amy. I know exactly what you mean and I really like your advice. It’s definitely too easy to feel guilty about having an off day!
long time reader, first time commenter. this post was just what i needed to hear today. thanks, amy
Great post. When I’m feeling really rubbish, for whatever reason, I do like to wallow in it for a bit. Got to be careful not to take it too far, obviously, but it’s nice to give yourself a break, not necessarily try and ‘fix’ it straight away and just be like, yeah, I feel crappy today, that’s ok. If you give yourself the space to get through it, rather than just forcing yourself to fake it, I usually feel better much quicker
Rosie xx
I try to use some of these strategies when I’m having a bad day (admitting it’s a bad day, hibernating, giving myself a treat, etc.) and the funny thing is, there isn’t always a cure. Sometimes you just have a let it pass. Great post!
P.S. I tagged you in a meme, if you’re interested (I promise it’s not 2007 anymore, ha).
“But I didn’t go in there like that. Instead, I’d put on a cute outfit, do my hair and slap on a smile to go talk about my feelings” <– I did this at first as well! I certainly wasn't fooling anyone but myself.
Love this post.
I’ve been a lurker for about a month now and Amy, I just need to thank you for this post today. It couldn’t have come at a better time for me personally. You just helped me validate that it’s ok to let yourself have these types of moments without the guilty feelings.
So, again, thank you Amy!
I totally agree with this – I tend to let myself be a hermit on those days (because fielding questions about why you’re upset when maybe you don’t know can be just as taxing), and let myself wallow, or watch TV, or escape in a book. Then I start the next day new and fresh and take it from there.
These are great tips. I’ve struggled with depression off and on in my life and that feeling of feeling bad for feeling bad. I’ve worked my way through a lot of things and am finally in a more stable place. Even when bad days hit, I know now how to weather them. I would venture to guess those bubbly people have their own days of The Sads but they are just really good at hiding them.
Great post from @amy_estes on dealing with off days http://t.co/oUp58YAe
I love this post, Amy. I’ve been learning this part (“The best thing I learned in therapy was to sit with things, and that it was okay to feel all of the feelings”) more and more lately, and you’re right, it’s not easy to really dig down into some of the tough stuff, but if we’re honest with ourselves (and actually want to come out on the other side), we HAVE to confront some of these things. Well-timed, love
This is a GREAT post, & honestly, what a relief to see an upbeat blogger write a post like this. I think we could all use a reminder, especially from folks who we aspire to be like (in this case, positive & upbeat), that feeling blah is normal every once in awhile. Embracing the blahs can be just as important as embracing cheerfulness.
I so needed this post today. As someone who is normally very happy and upbeat it’s hard when I have an off day sometimes and I tend to belittle myself with thoughts like “you have a great life, why do you feel sad?” but you know, sometimes we just FEEL DOWN. End of story. Those are really good tips and I’m going to refer to this post the next time I’m down!
I LOVE your pre-emptive secrets! Great ideas.
And I fully believe in allowing yourself to feel the feelings. It’s okay to feel down or irritated or unsatisfied once in a while – even if life IS good!
Great read! -» Off days and resisting the urge to always be happy… http://t.co/IUiR3yPE @amy_estes
My best strategy is to pinpoint what’s making me feel that way. Because for me it’s more often that I feel overwhelmed and if I let myself be overwhelmed for too long I start feeling helpless. But if I can manage to get out from the “overwhelmed” (usually by asking for help from my husband which I sometimes put off because I like to feel self sufficient) then things get better. However, there are definitely days, particularly during pregnancy/postpartum, where I just feel sad about nothing in particular. Those always confuse my husband because he wants to cheer me up and I keep telling him it’s not any one thing, I’m just SAD. Usually on those days I use your trick of setting a timeline. I allow myself to wallow in sadness for however long, then make myself get up and move on to something else.
Great post. Thanks for all the good thoughts and ideas.
Love you!
Smart, honest post from @justatitch on resisting the urge to always be happy http://t.co/3U3qWsj6
I do the referring to myself in the third person (but out loud!) – should I internalise it a bit more..?
Also – I do something I know I like. Such as go swimming or have a shower. Have you guessed? I love being in water!
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But please don’t push me into a pond! Then I will seriously be in a funk! – as you say in the US!
Indeed. MT @sarahmccoll: Smart, honest post from @amy_estes on resisting the urge to always be happy: http://t.co/XRiVULke
Love this post, Amy! I’ve been working with this too, on allowing myself to be off for a day and allowing myself a certain about of okayness, instead of pushing to be strong all the time, every day.
[...] all have off days and it’s okay to feel unhappy [...]
Amy, I love everything about this post. You seriously give the best advice.