So, I posted a story of an experience I had at the gas station on Tuesday morning. For the sake of brevity, the story is this: I went in to get coffee, and on my way out, a man who I am presuming is homeless offered me some of his Red Bull, a piece of beef jerky and a cigarette. The story was—I thought—light-hearted and a little bit silly.
Perhaps I didn’t tell the story well enough. Maybe I should have emphasized the practical factors: that I was in a safe place, that this man was in no way threatening or harmful and not for an instant was I afraid. But when the comments started rolling in that I should have run away, that I was mocking the homeless, that I am basically stupid, and I received an email calling me foolish, saying that I need to be more careful because I am going to be raped or murdered because I am not careful…well, I just didn’t know what to do.
I pulled the post.
Here’s the thing: OKAY, I get it. Sure, I know I need to be careful. But the thing is: I am the most paranoid person of all time. I look under my car as I approach. I check my trunk and my backseats when I get in. I lock my doors and triple check that I’ve done so. I am ridiculously paranoid, just ask anyone who has spent 10 minutes with me. I understand completely the value of following my instincts, and the thing is: I did. I don’t mean to insult or hurt anyone who left comments showing worry. I UNDERSTAND that you were genuinely trying to show me concern.
I guess the whole thing made me sad, if that makes any sense. It makes me sad that we immediately assume the worst in people. That we assume that because one’s station in life is different than ours, that they are dangerous and scary and different. If I had thought that this person was in any way dangerous, I would have had a different reaction. But this man was kind. We were surrounded by people, in a well-lit place. And sure, freak accidents can happen and he could have pulled a gun and a million other bad situations that we can concoct in our mind COULD have happened. But thank god they didn’t.
My point is this: I don’t want to live my life afraid of everything and every person. Maybe that’s why the reactions via comment and email made me so sad…because I see that fear in myself sometimes. Because I spend so much of my life afraid of what might happen, afraid that the next person around the corner is going to DO SOMETHING. I don’t want to run away from people and opportunities that might have nothing but benevolence attached.
I do it too often. Maybe not at this gas station, with this man. But I do it. I’m not saying I want to run into oncoming traffic and wander the streets at 3 AM and get into vans with men promising candy. But, I don’t want to live in fear. I want to smile with grace and basic human kindness at those around me. I want to take risks and say what I mean and do cool things, even when I’m scared.
Copyright © 2012
I just went to comment on that post and it wasn’t there. I was only going to say, “Poor, girl. If you’re at the gas station every three days, then that commute must be really intense.”
I’m sure you know better than anyone how to take care of yourself.
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Aww
That sucks, none of those responses ever crossed my mind, was just a funny little story about the crazy person with jerky! And I’m with Ashley – every 3 days! I couldn’t imagine having to fill up once a week, let alone more often. In saying that, at times I wish I could jump in my car and drive straight to a car park next to work, would be much easier than dealing with public transport.
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I wasn’t in anyway way offended or taken aback by your previous post – I found it quite funny, a nice little anecdote
It’s a shame you have to defend the post and explain what you meant because blogging shouldn’t be about that – but hopefully those that made some of the comments mentioned in your post will sit back and chill out.
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“I don’t want to live my life afraid of everything and every person.”
As you shouldn’t be. I’m surprised you got such comments.
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I am the same way, Amy. I am one of the most paranoid, worry wart people you’ll ever meet. I’ve even wondered before if maybe I have anxiety issues. Any noise and I think someone’s about to break into our house. Traffic stops short, someone’s gonna hit me. My husband hates it and always tells me I’m being too paranoid. I tell him I’m being safe. I sometimes wonder should I ever have kids, cuz I know I’ll be constantly worried about them and don’t want to be that parent. My uncle just said the same thing to me this weekend “You can’t live your life in fear.”
I admire that you want to change that in yourself. I would too but don’t know if I can.
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I hope I wasn’t one of the comments you are upset about! I meant mine to be poking fun of myself because I am always super paranoid. I hate that you felt like you had to take the post down because your writing is always so refreshing to read. Sorry to hear you had such assumptions made.
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“Fearless but not reckless.” Hmm. Yes, that sounds good and familiar, doesn’t it??
You are your own good judge—none of us should be trying to tell you any different.
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hmm, i read that post yesterday and didn’t take it that way at all. now i wish i’d commented because i got that you were being lighthearted about it… oh well, people read their own insecurities into everything, i know because i do it too : )
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Oh, I hear you on this. The area I work in is notorious for crime, and we’ve had people passed out drunk in our stairwell, and my daily walk to the bus stop is pretty much guaranteed to include a run in with at least two people asking me for money. It makes me sad that I’ve become afraid of these people, from looking out my office window seeing groups of them outside the liquor store, shouting profanities and stumbling around the streets – and every time one of them comes up to me and slurs something about being a ‘pretty lady” and if I have a “spare quarter for a two six” my heart starts to race. I have this desire inside to just do SOMETHING to make these people’s lives better – to make them come two blocks down the road where we can give them food and teach them life skills and help them – but my fear right now is greater than my desire to give them a pamphlet. I’m more scared about engaging in conversation and having them follow me than to offer something that might help. And I don’t want to live that way either.
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You are definitely not stupid, and I think what you did what the right thing. It’s wrong that people were that critical about the whole thing.
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I am one of those people that tends to shy away from strangers because I fear the worst. Sometimes it’s for the best, but more often the paranoia inhibits pleasant exchanges. And what will happen to us if we never take the time to interact with our fellow humans, so intent on “staying safe”? It’s a scary thought.
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“It makes me sad that we immediately assume the worst in people. That we assume that because one’s station in life is different than ours, that they are dangerous and scary and different.” THANK YOU! This is a wonderful follow up post. I’m sorry that the comments from the previous post upset you (I hope I wasn’t one of them…). I found it funny and it made me think of “my” homeless man that I talk to.
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Hmmm. Maybe you should put the post back up? I am sorry you got lambasted but I also think that as long you feel good about why you wrote the post, you should not be intimidated into taking it down.
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Hey you! No apology or explanation post needed. Your post yesterday was great and made me laugh– I am super paranoid too! I am confident everyone is ALWAYS out to get me.
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Last year I was delivering food to a local homeless shelter. For some dumb reason I was feeling sorry for myself and must have had a frown on my face. On my way in to the shelter I passed a homeless man stretched out on the grass. I didn’t greet him, thinking he was sleeping. As I passed he said, “Hey lady, you should smile. Things can’t be that bad!” I still crack up at myself over that experience. I learned so much from that man that day.
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Amy, Your previous post was offbeat comedic and totally something TV would portray on a sitcom! Not a life threatening incident… people need to calm down! Your faithful readers should know by know you are a very intelligent women, of course your not going to put yourself in stupid situations…
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My thoughts: But the post back up, but don’t allow for comments to be posted in response. You spent time writing that – this is your work, and the critics can “read into it” all they want!
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The previous post made me laugh ou loud! As to the various concerns—–relax!
My husband is loud, friendly, and talks to EVERYONE (much to my personal dismay) yet, it never ceases to amaze me how positive most people respond. I am always telling him to “knock it off” or “leave people alone” to which he replys “leave me alone….it’s good for people……why are we so afraid of each other…” The most common respone to him is a smile from the homeless person to random guy in line at the grocery store. It is possible to be safe and decent to others.
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i loved your previous post. people jump to conclusions too easily and judge those they don’t know at the drop of a hat. we have a lot to learn as a society…
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I’m sad that you pulled that post. I definitely recognized the levity in it, but I also understand that your readers (some of them, at least) just want you to be safe. I hope that you don’t feel too censored on your own blog. That would make me sad.
I also recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who likes to ask me: “Aren’t you scared living alone?” Absolutely not. I can’t just be afraid of everything every day. I can be SMART and a lock my doors and close my blinds, but I can’t live in fear. Otherwise I’d never leave the house. I’m already paranoid enough.
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It’s hard sometimes.
Hard to not be afraid and to live without fear.
Hard not to be sad when there are so many things that are wonderful in this world but we sometimes can’t see them or enjoy them because of our fear.
If you figure out how to balance it all, let us know. I’m sure we could all use a lesson in this.
(I’m guilty of being scared sometimes and not others in similar situations.)
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I didn’t comment on the last post cos I actually thought it was funny. Crap like that happens to me all the time (actually, to my whole family: we call it “the weirdo gene”). You didn’t seem to think you were in any danger, so why should I reprimand you as if you were? It never occurred to me to be concerned for your safety, what with you being a grown-ass woman and all.
All that being said: I’m sure it felt like you were being lectured (and you may have been, from some sources), but I’m betting a million dollars that a lot of those “OMG!”s were people genuinely concerned for you. Most of it is out of love (there’s always outliers, though).
<3
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I can’t remember if I commented on your post yesterday or not but it’s really hard when you write something and people don’t GET IT. I thought it was a light-hearted, fun post about something that happened to you. I thought your reaction was hilarious and something I totally would’ve done.
And I know you are pretty good at taking care of yourself and if you thought you were in any serious danger, you would’ve yelled or done something to draw attention. This follow-up post is absolutely perfect.
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I didn’t get to read that post but I wish I had. (I myself am a freak magnet–I’m not saying this guy was a freak since I didn’t meet him. It’s just that Weirdos seem to gravitate towards me like moths to a flame, but those are different stories for another time).
Anykittles…as I was saying, I, like you get tired of always having to assume that people are no good. I’m tired of the conditioning (by the media, by friends, by family) that strangers are bad and are out to get us. I have to ignore them and remind myself that for every one person out there who is “bad”, there are 5, 10, or even 20 people who aren’t. I’d probably go crazy and become a hermit if I didn’t.
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I did not read this post but I admire the way you have stood up for your story. I agree with you, I think we should give people the benefit of the doubt and not immediately think the worst because of circumstances. I wish we lived in a world that was a little less judgmental but touche girl!
Best,
Hannah Kty
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It’s really tough when you put those posts out there and then the response you get is automatically negative like that. That’s so deflating. I’m glad you put this post up clarifying things. Living in a city where is are so many homeless, it’s tough to not be skeptical but not give them a dose of kindness either.
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I’m exactly the same way! My parents always preached me about not talking to strangers or being lured to do something they ask me to. I think I watched too many Lifetime shows because I judge white vans with no windows. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve passed by someone who was dangerous. It’s scary but I think it’s great we’re like this because we’re conscious of our surroundings.
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I didn’t read the original post, but I loved this post. Even more, I loved all of the comments on here. I was expecting people to be defensive or lecture or whatever, but instead it was people agreeing, You’re right! We shouldn’t be afraid of other people!, or admitting their own fear or sadness at being afraid. This was a great post.
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I’m trying desperately to remember what my comment said. I really hope it didn’t upset you. I’d hate to think you felt in any way criticised by your readers. I guess my concern about safety does say more about me than you. You’re right, we shouldn’t assume anyone breaking the norms of society is automatically dangerous. Once again, you’ve got me thinking about myself. If helping me to do that has caused you any distress, I really am sorry.
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“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.” ~Marie Curie
Some people fear so much they don’t live their lives to the fullest. I commend you for living! I always tell my daughter in college to be careful, but to go out and embrace life. You are doing this.
Never let anyone shame you. Put your blog post back up and be proud of who you are.
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Don’t let others’ fear rub off on you! I didn’t get to read the homeless man post, but from what I can tell, kudos to you for following your instincts.
Also, that’s why I don’t have my email on my blog. If people want to say anything mean about a post, they have to do it in public where everyone can read it.
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I agree. I grew up in what could quite frankly be called THE GHETTO (North Long Beach). So I would like to say that I’ve got some pretty adept skills when it comes to recognizing the difference between poor/unkempt and dangerous.
So it really is sad for me when I moved to a more snobby area here and found that people associate anything not freshly showered or driving a shiny car as dangerous.
I think it’s that barrier we’re taught, to avoid and ignore and otherwise fear or look down upon those less fortunate, that prevents so many people from reaching out and acknowledging another human being. It causes that “look away” when we pass a handicapped person, the awkward stiffness when we’re standing by a displaced person, etc.
So I’m with you. You’re not a moron. You can get a vibe from a person and distinguish between dangerous and a little off their rocker and there IS a difference. So kudos!
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