As much as I share here, this is the first solo, full-body shot I’ve ever posted here. I know. For someone as obviously narcissistic as I am, this is surprising.
Typically, when I post body pics, I’m shoving my 5″1 frame into someone else’s body, praying that my body will be overlooked. I focus on my face. I avoid posting photos of myself at all. I have written here extensively about my body, about how I feel towards about, about how much I want to transform it.
And yet I refuse to show it.
I look at my body now, at almost 27 1/2 and I know where I’m headed. Scary words like “diabetes” and “arthritis” and “heart disease” have appeared in my family. I don’t want that. I don’t want to keep hiding my body. I don’t want to feel hindered by my weight, to see everything through a lens of “If only I were thinner” or “I can do that when I’m in better shape.” I don’t want to keep suffering, and while I appreciate all of the positive sentiments I’ve heard about not letting being overweight stop me from enjoying life, the truth is, for better or worse, it does. I don’t want that.
But beyond what I don’t want is what I do want. I want to enjoy shopping again. I want to look at pictures and feel happy instead of cringing. I want to hike Half Dome with relative ease and swim in a bathing suit instead of board shorts. I want to sleep well and be healthy when I (eventually, in a long time) get pregnant and I want to feel good. I want to be in my 80′s and healthy. And most of all, I want to feel happy with my body. Of course, there are all those other moments I can’t help but imagine: walking down the aisle in a dress that’s flattering, wearing a cute dress in Vegas, being able to take silly photos without worrying about my body.
At this point, this isn’t about being hard on myself, or being a perfectionist: this is about making myself better, or good at all, even. It’s about being healthy.
I know I’ve written a ton here, but today is the first day of my healthy life. To steal another blogger I adore’s term, I’ve hit my Healthy Tipping Point.
This is the first time I’ve put my money where my mouth is and gotten actual, real help. Not a gym membership or a Weight Watchers group or a new cookbook or what have you. I’ve enlisted the help of a trainer/life coach/wellness specialist/nutritionist.
When I first started considering what might be most helpful, I knew what wouldn’t work. I’ve tried boot camps, gym routines, tracking food, Weight Watchers. I know that there’s more to my story, to what my issues are. I started looking around to see what resources were available, and I’m happy to say I found one that I think will work. I’m going to be working with a trainer/wellness specialist/life coach/nutritionist. His name is Sham Sanghera.
When I first found Sham, it was after reading a million reviews of trainers. What stood out to me was the fact that he deals with the “other stuff.” It’s not just a nutrition plan or a workout routine. It’s a life thing. It’s looking at me as a person, not as a weight or a BMI or a plan. It’s figuring out the why’s and what’s really going on behind this.
There are people I know who don’t need this. Who can simply set their mind to a diet or a workout routine, and of that I am insanely envious. I think for me, it’s been realizing that this is a demon that won’t go away.
I know that I have a long journey ahead of me—undoubtedly. But I also feel like for the first time, I’m going beyond half-hearted efforts and well-written blog posts and doing it.
I hope that in a few months, I’ll be able to post a picture of my body that makes me smile.
It’d be the first time.
Copyright © 2012
Totally rooting for you, babe!
[Reply]
I just started training for a half-marathon. We are going to be stupid hot in like…five minutes.
[Reply]
Sounds like you have the right attitude for sure. Getting healthy definitely doesn’t happen overnight but it’s such a rewarding experience. Good luck, can’t wait to read about your journey
[Reply]
You’ve taken a big and very brave first step, Amy. Congrats! I think many women struggle with body image. And one of the biggest things is learning to love your body even as you make minor changes to it. It’s one thing to want to get into better shape, shed a few pounds, engage in a healthy lifestyle. It’s entirely another thing to aim for model good looks, which is impossible for most of us. I hope you find the balance that’s right for you and look forward to hearing about your journey!
[Reply]
Yes yes YES to all this: “I want to enjoy shopping again. I want to look at pictures and feel happy instead of cringing. I want to hike Half Dome with relative ease and swim in a bathing suit instead of board shorts. I want to sleep well and be healthy when I (eventually, in a long time) get pregnant and I want to feel good. I want to be in my 80′s and healthy. And most of all, I want to feel happy with my body.”
I have the same wants… the same fear of future health problems… and that same ache to feel good when I look in the mirror. Congratulations for getting someone else on board to help you achieve those goals! I look forward to hearing all about it!
[Reply]
Congratulations on taking this very positive step in your life. I look forward to hearing about your journey – I’m sure it will help my on mine.
thanks for sharing!
[Reply]
Congratulations on making this fabulous commitment. You’re right–losing the weight is only part of the game. For some (including myself), it’s much bigger than just the pounds. I can’t wait to follow your journey.
[Reply]
Good luck Amy! I think you should be so proud of yourself for taking control of your life!! It won’t be super easy, but in the end it will be worth it!!
[Reply]
I’ve always admired your honest, realistic approach to life’s challenges. When something isn’t working, you seek out something that does. It sounds like this will bring you some of the changes that you’re looking for and I’m behind you every step of the way! Rootin’ for ya! ♥
[Reply]
Good for you for taking such a healthy and realistic approach. Good luck!
[Reply]
Aw Amy, this sounds so hard- but you’re *so* right, for the big changes you have to get to a place where there is no other option in your mind, you are just going to make it happen.
I love that you’ve chosen someone who will work with you as a whole person & figure this out with you, I can’t wait to hear more about this process.
[Reply]
This is awesome news. I’m the kind of person who needs to be accountable to someone else in order to make big changes, so I totally understand why a trainer would help. Can’t wait to hear all about your progress
[Reply]
I think it’s fantastic that you decided to get some help from a professional. Sometimes you can try and try and try and not get where you want with your efforts… this Sham guy seems to have a good reputation and I like his all around approach, focusing not just on workout and weight loss, but on your whole situation.
Can’t wait to hear about your progress (that you’re destined to make!)
[Reply]
I am so, so happy to hear this! It sounds like it’s really going to help you and I cannot wait to follow your journey. The hardest step is usually figuring out exactly what we need, so I’m glad that you’ve taken a big step in what feels like the right direction.
[Reply]
Sounds wonderful and can’t wait to read about your journey. You are beautiful no matter what.
[Reply]
I’m right behind you, girlfriend! I think it’s great that you’ve found a resource who will work with all of you – the whole picture of who you are as a person. I wish you lots of luck and encouragement!
[Reply]
Just came across your blog and love your writing style! Good luck on your healthy journey… I’ll be reading
[Reply]
You are more brave than you know. I can’t even bring myself to post a body shot of myself on my blog, I have a hard enough time showing just my face with the pounds that I’ve gained. I’ve been battling this “bulge” for the past few years, losing weight and then gaining it all back. It’s a struggle. Work hard and keep trying.
[Reply]
Damn it, Amy. You are beautiful. So, so beautiful. I admire the hell out of you in so many ways. And I cannot wait to pounce on you SO. FREAKING. SOON!!!
xoxo
[Reply]
Good luck on your journey.
[Reply]
It takes a lot of courage to take that first step. Good luck!
[Reply]
You have this. Cheering for you all the way!
[Reply]
Go you!!
What I especially love about this post is what you said: it’s about your health, not about perfectionism or Hollywood ideals.
I’m excited for you, and to follow your journey.
[Reply]
I’m so proud of you &, as ever, inspired by your dedication to living a beautiful, happy – & now healthy – life. Lots of love.
[Reply]
This makes me want to hug you.
I’m so excited for you. I’m very curious to hear about you journey, at least what you choose to share with us.
You CAN do this and I know that you WILL do this.
xoxo
[Reply]
Good for you, Amy. It’s one thing to say you want something; it’s quite another to take steps towards actual change.
I’m proud of you. And I will be cheering you on and lifting you up and reminding you, every inch of the way, to be strong, brave, true.
xoxoxoxoxo
[Reply]
This blog post made me want to go give you a hug. Everything you said really rang true for me…maybe I need to look for a life coach. But above all else, good luck!! We are all rooting for you!
[Reply]
Love this post. I think, for many people who struggle with weight problems, we have to look within to see why we got to this point and why we’re treating our bodies so horribly. I don’t think we can truly change our lives so dramatically if we don’t explore that path first.
Way to go! Can’t wait to read more!!
[Reply]
Yay for you and congratulations!!
[Reply]
Hooray for you!!!
Do you follow @MizFitOnline ? – awesome woman
[Reply]
good luck on this journey … i’ve been on this journey myself and know how hard it can be, but also how rewarding. the first step takes a tremendous amount of courage and you should be extremely proud of yourself!!!
[Reply]
So glad you’re moving further down your path to healing yourself wholey. I don’t know you very well, clearly, but I really feel like this could be a real metamorphosis for you, as you grow and learn and emerge as a stronger, more healthy version of you.
[Reply]
Your honesty is really great, and it’s why I couldn’t bare to stop following you. I’m so glad that you’ve come to the decision to get healthy, and glad that you’re so committed! Coming from a girl that understands swimming in board shorts, I’m proud of you.
[Reply]
aww good luck! I really admire you for putting up a full body shot. I write a health blog (mostly for myself, but I dont exactly care who reads it) and I’ve really debated posting my weight. I hate the # and I’m battling with myself on how I got to be like this. I feel like I can really relate to you though
I’ve thought about a health coach. Surprisingly I am a lifestyle coach myself dealing with health issues for others, but it doesn’t work on myself. My former coworker is a more detailed coach than I am and I’ve thought about seeing him and coming up with a plan much like you have done 
Good luck!
[Reply]
Good luck! I’m with you all the way as a supporter and to do this too.
[Reply]