Okay, guys. So, in case it’s not totally obvious, I’m crazy. Like, legit crazy. Neurotic weirdo crazy. Whenever I make such an assertion, well-meaning souls are all, “OH STOP, YOU’RE SO NOT!”
Until they eat with me.
One of the most obvious outward expressions of my weirdness is my sandwich eating technique. Above, you see a sandwich. A Subway Cold Cut Combo, which yeah, I know, kinda gross but I love it and I don’t give a flying rip if you think it’s nasty, because you don’t have to eat it and I have inappropriate feelings about bologna, so JUST SHUT IT ALREADY.
Anyways. It looks like a sandwich. Most of you would probably pick this up, eat it and be done with it. NOT ME.
Allow me to give you a tutorial in Sandwich Eating By Amy:
STEP ONE:
Open the sandwich.
STEP TWO:
Separate the bologna from the “other meat.”
STEP THREE:
Eat the other meat; wrap bologna around the cheese and consume separately. Because bologna is the best meat, and cheese is the best everything so the combination is amazing and this is maybe the best part of the sandwich. MAYBE.
STEP FOUR:
Pick out the veggies you want and eat them. YES, with your fingers. I never said this was Sexy Sandwich Time. And you know what, if someone you’re trying to impress is taking you to SUBWAY this early on in the relationship, then, well…I don’t know what to say. I love Subway, but not on a date where you can’t eat with your fingers.
STEP FIVE:
Now, the REALLY DELICIOUS (yes, more than the bologna!) part: scrape the mayo-lettuce-bread combo out. The doughy part. WITH THE MAYO. AND THE LETTUCE. Yum, yum, yum.
EL FIN!
So…when are you taking me to lunch?
P.S. Um, if you think this is bad, you should see pizza. It’s worse. I KNOW. I’m sorry. Except not really. Because it tastes awesome.
P.P.S. If you can tell me what this title is referencing, I love you already. Put on your thinking caps!
Copyright © 2012
Arrested Development! (?)
I have to say, I totally love your method of consuming a sandwich from Subway—it’s good to know I’m not the only crazy person in the world who has a peculiar way of eating certain things. I have this terribly awkward and brutally calculated way of eating a plate of Nachos. Certain chips with certain toppings have to be eaten in a certain order. (And now you think I’M the crazy person…)
Thanks for sharing!
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Wow… just wow…. although I don’t share your enthusiasm for extreme sandwich eating, my peanut m&m’s share a similar fate…
Step 1: Organize into groups of like colors.
Step 2: Place into mouth in order of which color has the greatest quantity, one at a time.
Step 3: Suck delicious chocolate off the nut, place nut to side.
Step 4: Repeat until all that is left are a big pile of nuts.
Step 5: Ingest all nuts at once with a big happy gulp.
Weird me. Don’t get me started on Kit-Kats. Or 3-Musketeers.
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Oh, Amy. We were just discussing that we must meet IRL and be great friends, and then you go and do something like this. I ALWAYS ORDER THE COLD CUT COMBO. Obviously we were friends in a past life.
I don’t have a particular affinity for bologna, but on a Subway sandwich as part of a delicious trio of lunch meat? It is perfection! And the fact that the trio withOUT the bologna would be worthless is now making me reconsider my previous stance on my bologna indifference. I hear Oscar Meyer calling my name from the grocery store…
Anyway. I don’t eat my sandwich the same way you do. My method is to pile every single topping on the sandwich in abundance, pay for my sandwich, grab a plastic fork (or use the one I always carry in my purse in case I’m on the go and forget to grab one), eat the sandwich with my hands, then shovel the bits that fell onto the sandwich wrapper into my mouth using said plastic fork.
Oh, Subway.
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So, when I go to Subway, I always get a foot-long sandwich. I know I can’t eat all that food, but I do it anyway, because it just makes sense. It’s only like a dollar more for TWICE AS MUCH FOOD. Yes, you’re an English Teacher, but YOU DO THE MATH. So what I do is I eat half the sandwich like a Normal Person (ahemahemahem) and then I pick the meat and cheese off the second half and leave the bread and most of the vegetables.
But, yeah, back to your method. Uhhhh… WHAT?
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I can’t think of anything that I eat methodically, but I will say this- I have a major obsession with expiration dates and nutrition labels. It’s habit for me to check the date every time I use something in the fridge. Even if I just used it the other day. It’s bad. And also, I don’t buy something at the grocery store unless I’ve read the nutrition label and made sure it’s not loaded with something I don’t want, like sodium or unneccesary calories. Seems like a good idea, but it is a bit obsessive.
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My obsessive compulsive crazy comes out when I eat in front of other people. I always eat things one at a time (usually sorted by colour/type/other obscure food rule that you wouldn’t understand).
Also, I’m absolutely nutty about even portions. My brother and I (both crazy) used to count/measure all food shared. This has taken over every food aspect of my life to the point where it unnerves me to watch someone else pour glasses of wine and not check the meniscus to make sure they are even. I have corrected waiters/bartenders/elders etc. when not pouring correctly.
… so ya, you’re totally not alone on that crazy thing.
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I had Subway last night (Turkey on wheat with lettuce, pickle, black olives, and mayo — foot-long because I brought half of it to work today), and I never imagined someone would take their sandwich apart to eat it. Definitely very interesting!
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Wow… You should go to Subway with your sandwich-eating techniques and get some air time showing your skills to the world. That is IMPRESSIVE, my friend.
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I think in order to be really prepared for anything life throws at you, you should probably develop a Sexy Sandwich Time Technique.
Then, you should probably record it step by step like you’ve done here so everyone else can be prepared with a Sexy Sandwich Time Technique.
I think it’s an important life skill we should work hard on developing.
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Hahaha! Sexy sandwich time has arrived! Sadly, my nearest Subway is 5 hours, yes that 5 HOURS away from here. Dammit. I’ll have to develop a sexy udon eating technique. Unless you already have one?
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So you’re not eating the bread at all?
I am sure you could order the sandwich without the bread
You know, like the Taco Bowl at Mexican restaurants
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That is hilarious. Do you actually sit and do that in Subway shops, or wait until you’re in the privacy of your home?
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Strangely, I would like a sandwich from Subway for lunch now.
Thanks a lot, Amy! haha
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Totally normal behavior.
Much like wearing cutoffs in the shower. (Well, okay, maybe a leeeetttlllle more normal than wearing cutoffs in the shower.)
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I think there’s something addictive in the mayo in Subway sandwiches. It’s SO GOOD.
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i do the same damn thing. If I get a footlong, sometimes I’ll eat the first half normally and the second half like that. It just depends on my mood.
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Oh, god, Amy. You just totally violated me with your Subway sandwich eating technique. I’m never going to be the same again.
And to think I was with you until you got to the carving out the bread with mayonnaise-lettuce combo.
I need an adult.
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this is very very endearing.
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I am dying. Do you think they have subway at Coachella and if so can you show me the way? But I mean, that’s our first date. So-too soon?
I’m very excited about this.
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this absolutely cracked me up. A+.
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BWHAHAAHAA that’s so funny. I was cracking up. And yeah, I have to agree with some of the comments- Subway sandwiches are so delicious and addicting. Sometimes after I eat one, it sets off my “bad” eating for like two days. Not sure what the secret addictive ingredient is, but YUM!
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I clicked over here from Style Lushes, and I’m thrilled I did! The sandwich eating is a little odd, but anyone who pulls a quote from Community as their title is all right by me
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Or Arrested Development. A little less recent, but still awesome!
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that is definitely the most interesting sandwich eating process i have ever seen and it is all sorts of awesome.
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I definitely LOVE bologna, not beef bologna just straight up oscar meyer thin sliced bologna and I don’t give a sh*t what other people think! Ha!
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Wow. I mean, I thought I was weird with eating. For example, when I eat while watching a TV show or movie, I ONLY eat when said TV show is playing or movie has completely started. I don’t eat during commercials. Even if I had one tiny bite left of my sandwich, I would wait until the show came back on to eat it. My brother is the same way. And don’t even GET ME STARTED on people who eat their popcorn before the movie starts. (What did you get the popcorn for anyway? The movie or the commercials?)
But yeah…this takes the cake, Amy. I don’t think this could get any weirder.
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You’re crazy & I love this & also I’m obsessed with the line, “Bologna is the best meat, and cheese is the best everything.”
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If loving a Subway Cold Cut Trio is wrong, i don’t wanna be right.
And I LOVE the mushy mayo/doughy bread combo. Is that weird? Am I weird too?
I LOVE BOLOGNA.
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LOL I usually put so many condiments in the sandwich, rip the bread and eat it with condiments and save the meat for the last fulfilling part
that makes me weird too. 
Let’s go eat! I wonder how you eat pizza.
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Oh wow…you ARE kind of a freak! Haha…but I completely follow your logic and I still think you’re a fabulous human being. I mean, we’re all freaks in some way or another. As a kid, I ate all the toppings off my pizza, then scraped the gooey doughy stuff off with my teeth. (Now, not so much, but I still GET it.)
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[...] the drinks are ridiculously strong and they serve bologna sandwiches. I’ve already made my feelings about bologna perfectly clear on this blog, so you can imagine how delighted I was by this [...]
Well, Miss Amy, that is certainly an.. um… interesting way to eat a sandwich.
Me? I prefer the “shove it in my face and continue to inhale until it’s gone” approach.
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