Once upon a time, I was one of those hot yoga people. The kind who woke up every morning and attended a 5:30 am class. The kind who talked about it as a religious experience and loved every minute of it. Due to a variety of issues, I had to stop attending, and then started going once a week with a friend. When that friendship fizzled, so did my yoga commitment. I missed it desperately, but I wasn’t sure I’d ever go back. I’ve gained some weight, it’s a financial commitment and quite frankly, a lot of hard work.
Andrew had attended a class or two with me, and had mentioned how much he wanted to go. As part of his Christmas gift, I got him a month of yoga classes. With my new-ish commitment to running and getting healthy in general, it seemed a perfect time to go back. So, last night, we went.
When I’ve returned in the past, I’ve been nearly immediately victorious: my body remembered the heat and the poses came back with ease. I have sort of smugly thought I was just naturally good at hot yoga and as someone with very little to brag about in the way of physical activities, I was secretly proud. I could do this.
Until last night.
Last night’s class was agonizing. Even someone who was very clearly a regular remarked that the room was hotter than they’d ever felt. I felt choked and disgusting, even as we started the first poses. I had a dull headache within the first two minutes of the standing series. Worst of all, I felt defeated. I couldn’t get into poses I used to love, namely, standing bow pulling pose—my favorite.
As the class progressed, I found myself feeling irrationally angry. Angry at myself, for letting myself get so far from health and yoga. Angry that I couldn’t do things I wanted to do. Angry that I wasn’t instantly successful. As I was reminded over and over to return to my breath, to slow down, to focus on my body and what I could do, to be patient with myself, I had to actively work to silence my inner critic.
If you’ve been reading for awhile, have met me for 5 minutes or know me at all, it’s probably apparent that I like to be good at things. I’m a perfectionist in many things in my life, and I am self-critical. The thing that makes yoga such a challenge for me is that it’s NOT about self-criticism. Over and over again, we’re reminded that all we need to do is try the right way, to keep showing up, to keep posing, to stay in the room.
And we’re promised that it will get better.
This lesson of doing things even though I’m not perfect at them, of staying “in the room”, of going on journeys instead of constantly seeking a destination, of going back week after week, seems to be my lesson this year. I’m taking on running, hot yoga, and a variety of other pursuits where there is a definite learning curve. I’m trying to be patient and to finally learn this and let my body and mind understand that while it may take time and patience, I can do it. I want to learn how to do this and how to be gentle with myself. I want to learn to let my body, my mind, myself be enough, right where I am, all the time.
Tomorrow night, you’ll find me on that yoga mat. My yoga may not be perfect, but it will be mine, and that will be enough.
Just like me.
Copyright © 2012
I love yoga but I have never tried the hot. I am very sensitive to heat and am afraid that I’ll just faint dead away instead of getting any benefit.
I’ve been trying to come up with a name for these self-realization moments. The moments where the body issues and emotional stuff is pushed aside and you just get pissed because your body puts up a mechanical roadblock. It’s not about being pretty enough or wearing a small enough size anymore; it’s about not being able to do what you damn well know your body is capable of doing. Those moments when you’re like, “Oh, HELL NO!” I think those are the best kicks in the ass for me. They help me put aside the insecurities and self-pity and allow me to focus on the science of these amazing vehicles we were given. It sounds like you’re there, girl! Give it hell!
Showing up and sticking with something we’re not good at in order to get better is one of the hardest things in life. It’s so much easier to give up, go home and do something else we are good at (for me: watching Gilmore Girls and reading magazines).
You should be ridiculously proud of yourself for staying in the room.
Good for you for going back and sticking it out. Frankly the idea scares the hell out of me and I have absolutely no desire to do it. I am sure you will be back at the level you previously were in no time. Best of luck!
Kudos to you for even trying.
I have very similar struggles with my inner critic. Sometimes mine tries to get me to quit before I even try. I’m glad you are facing yours and not bowing to its demands of perfectionism!
So motivating! Those moments are the best, and continuing to remind yourself of those moments are the best motivation EVER! Keep it up!
Good for you, keep it up!
My brother (yes really) loves hot yoga. I can barely do regular yoga!
I SO know what you mean about getting irrationally angry at yourself for not achieving something – I do that ALL THE TIME, especially when I’m running.
Good for you for going back, it obviously takes time to get back into those things and hot yoga is HARD!
I only tried it once (Bikram) and didn’t like it but I’m going back this weekend and hope it will go better the second time around!
I’ve never gone, but I feel like it’s….like dipping into another world kind of lol There’s a whole sub-culture of this stuff that’s fascinating.
I don’t do hot yoga, but I dabble in other forms. I’m the same as you – constantly beating up on myself and my ‘not perfect’ practice. The trick is that that’s really an anti-yoga way of thinking. I struggle with overcoming it, but it sounds like you are well on your way!
I hope the experience improves for you. I definitely know that feeling. Hot yoga sounds miserable to me, but I’m sure that means I just need to try it.
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While I never did hot yoga, I did practice for a while at home by myself. I would (and still do) get frustrated with my un-improving (lack of) flexibility and tended to focus on that negative aspect rather than thinking about how much stronger I was getting, how my endurance increased, and the level of calm I could achieve. It annoyed me that I couldn’t stretch my linked arms behind my back up to my shoulders. That was all I thought about.
But eventually, I got over it. I basically said, “You know what? It doesn’t matter if I can’t twist into a pretzel. That’s not the point.” and I went forward relishing instead what I could do, rather than what I couldn’t.
You get out there and own that shit. I know you will.
I’ve been doing yoga off-and-on for years (um, mostly off). Thanks for the inspiration!
Good for you for going back!! I’ve been told hot yoga could potentially relieve some of my back problems but I’ve never tried – you’ve inspired me to give it a go
I did hot yoga for a while and loved it. Then I stopped doing it. Then I got out of shape. Then I went back and I nearly died. Every movement was a thousand times harder, and every bit of my body was screaming, “NO NO NO NONONONO!” And then… I didn’t go back.
And now? I miss it. I want to start going again, once a week, since it’s sort of far and inconvenient. But when it was good, it was oh so good. Let’s motivate each other through this.
I love hot yoga, it’s my favourite. And I know what you mean about being angry with yourself for not going, it’s so incredible and we keep ourselves from it for silly reasons. Keep going!
YEAH AMY! I just discovered I can access your site from my parents computer…guess where I will be on Wednesday night catching up on like 2 months of posts!!! I love this posting…and I am proud of you for sticking it out.
And out of curiosity, is there such a thing as ice yoga, because I think that is way more up my alley!?!