This time of year always releases the worst kind of nostalgia in me. School supplies have appeared, and for the first time since I was five years old, I don’t need them, because I will be neither student, nor teacher. I’m not sad, per se, just perplexed by this shift. Buying new school supplies, first for my backpack and then for my classroom, has been the way I’ve marked time for so many years. It seems weird that this year, it just doesn’t matter. I have no need for those things, and that feels strange.
Every year, when the college dorm stuff starts hitting the shelves, I feel this ache inside for all of the choices I didn’t make: the choice to go away to college, to have those transformative experiences I feel like everyone but me has had, to be 18 and carefree and still innocent. I feel the weight of all the things I didn’t do on my shoulders. I see the kids I used to babysit, now my Facebook friends, taking off to college or enjoying the summers between high school years, and I want to shake them by the shoulders and say, Don’t put it off. Don’t hold back. Don’t wait for anyone or anything—do everything your heart desires, right now, while you still can. I wonder about who I’d been had I dared take that advice, had I dared to leave all I know. I wonder about the girl I would have been.
It’s not that I’m unhappy with my life, because these past few weeks have found me happier than I ever dared to think I’d be again. I find my journals from earlier this year where I write about the things I have wanted so badly: to live in downtown Sacramento, to have some mini-adventures, to have a job where I can shine and feel happy and needed. I look around my life and I realize that yes, it’s all happening, and I feel overwhelmed with the sheer joy that all that hard work, all that angst, all those fears have dissipated into something lovely and amazing.
Still, summer with all its memories of popsicles and playing outside and reading books and swimming, brings out a sort of sadness, not because of what is, but because of what I know is to come. Maybe it’s because I know that fall marks the start of things dying off. Leaves change and things shift and people go away and before you know it, winter with its unforgiving gray is here. And while I love the cool mornings and the crisp apples and the simple joys of wearing sweaters and tights, I’m always anticipating those winter months. Perhaps that’s my biggest problem of all: the fact that I’m always anticipating.
I envy the people who can just enjoy: the people who aren’t always stuck in the past or contemplating the future or waiting for the other shoe to drop.
This summer, instead of being nostalgic for all the choices I didn’t make, I want to hold fast to the choices I did make. I want to anticipate, but not worry. I want to plan, but not get wrapped up in the future. I want to make popsicles and go swimming and enjoy all the good things happening right around me, before it’s time to add blankets to the bed and start carrying sweaters. I want to be driven by nostalgia, not to feel sad, but to make sure I’m taking all those chances, so that next summer, instead of looking back on all I didn’t do, I can fall asleep tired by all the good things I’ve been up to all year long.
Copyright © 2012
“I envy the people who can just enjoy: the people who aren’t always stuck in the past or contemplating the future or waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
Meeee tooooo. While I’m pretty good at letting the past be the past and not longing for it to have been different, I’m constantly in a state of “what next?”. I always want to be ready for what’s around the bend instead of enjoying what’s going on right now. I know it’s an issue for me and I’ve been working on changing it for a long time. It’s getting better.
I’m so happy to see that all the things you set out to gain for yourself have come true. It’s such a great feeling, isn’t it? Have a great summer – enjoy it while we have it. <3
I also get a little nostalgic when the school supplies come out on the shelves. Even though I don’t see a change in September anymore, I still buy myself some new “school” supplies. It’s nice to show up at work after labour day with a new notebook and a fresh pen.
Is summer alerady over? I am so sad. I’ve been so busy trying to find somewhere to live this fall that I completely missed it.
I am Mrs. Nostalgia… I have, as long as I can remember, always lived more in the past than in the present. I feel like I never appreciate the time NOW, but think about the past way too much… so buy the time I catch up to today, today has been long gone again.
It’s strange.
That feeling of happy elation you’ve been feeling the past few weeks? I can pretty much guarantee it has everything to do with all the choices you made and all the choices you didn’t make. Seems to me, you’re right where you’re supposed to be.
School supplies are MY FAVORITE. I totally just bought two packages of literature-related pencils because (I am a nerd, yes! and) I am day-dreaming about being back in school right now.
Also: Here’s to celebrating our choices! I have a feeling this fall is going to be amazing. For both of us!
I have a post in my draft folder right now about this very same feeling. I have a habit of living my life absorbed my memories from the past instead of living “in the now” and I need to constantly remind myself to just stop and enjoy what’s happening TODAY.
I’m so, so happy for you Amy. I know I’ve mentioned to you before that you and I had similar experiences earlier in our adult life – not going away to college and all that jazz. But I feel like I’m getting those wonderful experiences now, and for that I’m really thankful. And I’m thankful that you’re getting the chance to live such a happy, fulfilling life, too! ♥
Oh I saw the school supplies in Target the other day and it was all I could do to not go down that aisle. I miss the days of new binders and organization and new shoes….I mark the “start” of the year with the academic calendar too!
I find that I’ve really held on to some of my grudges resulting from choices I made about not going away to school and letting other people dictate what I was going to do with my life. I don’t want to hold on, but is seems so hard to let go.
So, I can relate to this so much it makes my heart hurt. Not the teacher part, but the wishing I had done a few things differently part. I don’t regret where my life has ended up – sometimes it’s everything like I planned & sometimes nothing like it – but I do wish that along the way I would have made a few choices that then seemed so hard & scary but now I wish I had just DONE. This might not be making any sense but I struggle with these feelings a lot also, so thanks for sharing. I want to hold tight to the choices I did make too, because if I hadn’t made them, who knows where I would have ended up. It’s a Catch-22, really. <3
Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Even though I enjoyed my college experience at the time, I still look back at all the missed opportunities. All the back-to-school commercials make me wish I could go back with the knowledge I have now and make better decisions.
I’m a total nostalgia addict and am usually living in the past. It’s how I’ve always been, but it’s worse because my life is on pause right now and I have a lot of time to think about (and dwell on) the past. But at the same time – like you – I’m always looking forward as well. It’s always looking back or forward instead of just existing in the ‘right now,’ and it’s hard to know how to just focus on and live in the moment.
I envy people who can just enjoy too!! I’m always thinking about the things I wish I did or hope to do in the future but not enjoy the present and do things NOW.
I LOVED going shopping for school and buying new binders, markers, and all these amazing things. I still get excited when I buy markers sometimes!
If I let it, nostalgia really gets to me sometimes. It’s hard sometimes to look back at your past and not wonder, “What if?” But we’ve all got a book of what ifs and they’re usually no good for us. You’re in a great place now!
Yay for that!
I passed my old high school and they already have the “school resumes” sign up. I can’t believe it. I still long for the days of a more simple life (aka high school… well, elementary school) as well as hope for something a bit more exciting for the future. I wonder if anyone can just “be”. Maybe they can. Who knows.
This is beautifully written and a feeling I know all too well. I always catch myself longing for time gone by or looking forward to times coming up instead of enjoying where I am now, which is actually a pretty good place. I’ve definitely been trying to stay in the moment and enjoy my life before I’m looking back at this time and wishing I’d appreciated it more.
Oh, Amy. I wish I could explain how much this post means to me, speaks to me. You wrote it better than my brain has been able to process the same feelings the last few weeks. Thank you.
Your post was just what I needed to read today. I’m starting my fourth year of part time classes at the local community college, and I am ALWAYS feeling like my life is going to remain stagnant. I regret not taking out loans to “go away” to college, in addition to other things. All of it has been weighing on my mind lately.
Thanks for reminding me that things can/do/will look up. And good for you for going after what you want!
Welcome to the future, Amy, where there is nothing quite like the present.
I dig this new outlook you’ve got, and granted it came from a life shift, it’s still important to mark. I think you’ll do just fine with it.
Oh, this time of year always makes me so nostalgic. The fall that I always go back to in my mind is the one when I started college. It was like that year was electrified with some sort of magic. New beginnings and new everything. It was quite possibly the best year of my life, and I could just… tell…. from the beginning.
I know, I’m a huge dork. Don’t judge me.