Oh Internet, this post is sensitive, but it’s been on the tip of my tongue for months. And quite frankly, you’re breaking my heart. I’m not writing to judge or what have you…just writing from a genuine place of hoping to see and do better.
One of the things I noticed most from my digital sabbatical was the fact that I was considerably less agitated that day. I hadn’t realized how much of what I was consuming online was negative, or at the very least, consisted of some very strong opinions. As I’ve logged in to Twitter since then, there have been several occasions where I’ve had to just shut it down because I felt so down reading it.
I think we can do better, friends. I’ve witnessed first-hand the kind of love and support that can come from a blogging community. I know it’s still there; however, more often than not, I feel like I see so little positivity and kindness happening online. And I want to see that change.
With that, a few check-in’s and suggestions that I’m practicing lately:
Negativity checks: We all have bad days, we all have things we need support in. That’s not what I’m discussing here. But I challenge you to look through your last week of tweets: how many of them are complaints (no matter how small) or criticisms (of people/celebrities, books, TV shows, etc.)?
If you’re complaining non-stop, check yourself. Does the world need to know that you hate ___________________? Must you throw yourself into every discussion you find even mildly upsetting?
My friend Samantha, one of the most lovely people I’ve had a chance to meet from the blog world, has started tweeting a few nice things a day with the hashtag #SaySomethingNice. Others have made it a point to only mention business they love online.
My point is this: try and not only stop complaining, but start adding to the positive environment. Even for a day.
What are you bringing to the table?: I see certain people consistently embroiled in heated discussions or drama. And I’ll be honest: it’s very rarely unprovoked.
If you’re finding yourself at the center of negative or heated exchanges, ask yourself: “What energy am I bringing to this part of my life?” If you act aggressively, express a lot of strong opinions, and make blanket statements about others, it’s likely you’ll get the same in return. If you want to use Twitter as a place for heated discussion, that’s cool, but don’t act surprised when you get backlash. You tend to get what you give in life, and online. And while it can be painful, if you’re havig the same issue again and again, check the common denominator: it’s you!
Would you say it to their face?: This tends to be my golden rule of online interactions: if the person I’m about to tweet/comment to was sitting in front of me, would I interact the same way?
I see people go after their online friends for grammar errors, semantical phrasing, and the smallest of opinions. It’s easy to say things online, because we can unplug and hide away. It’s also easy to forget that on the other side of those words is an Actual Human, who has feelings. Sometimes, as much as it’s fun to correct people or get into an argument, it’s better to just let it go.
Again, if you wouldn’t say it to their face, you might not want to tweet it, or leave it as a comment on their blog.
Don’t take it personally: I am realizing more and more that my time and energy are limited. This means that I’m carefully considering every person I follow on Twitter, every blog I read and every bit of time I spend online. I’m sure we’ve all had the experience of meeting someone who seems nice and interesting, and then realizing that it’s just not working. I used to feel bad about not wanting to be best friends with everyone, but the older I get, the more I realize that it’s okay: some people aren’t a match.
An unfollow doesn’t mean that you’re a horrible person: it means that for now, your tweets and views on life aren’t meshing for the person doing the unfollowing. Sometimes it’s about you, but most often, it’s a personal choice they’re making. I used to feel really insanely guilty about unfollowing people or unsubscribing to their blogs. I don’t anymore. At this point in my life, I’m really interested in filling my life with people and activities that refresh and encourage me. Sometimes, even if someone or something seems wonderful to others, it’s just not for me. And that is okay.
Similarly, I don’t expect everyone to love my blog or tweets. While I’d love you to feel differently, as long as my family/boyfriend/handful of close friends think I’m doing okay, than I’m less concerned with the Internet as a whole.
What do you want to get out of your time online? This answer is different for everyone. Some use the Internet as a way of socializing, for others, it’s a place to debate.
For me, I want my time online to enhance my life. Not complicate it. I refrain from posting political rants, salty tales about my life and anything that is going to upset my family/friends. Sometimes, I long for more anonymity and the ability to post and say whatever. But at the end of the day, I’m good. Because I want the Internet to be a joy, not something that brings me down.
Copyright © 2012
This –> RT @amy_estes: New Blog Post: Be Kind, Online: Oh Internet, this post is sensitive, but… http://t.co/MCZdt8Ba
I made a promise to myself after getting involved in a very ugly and hurtful political “discussion” on FB that I was going to severely limit the amount of energy I put into disagreeing with people. As long as I know my own opinions, I don’t have to thrust them on everyone else. I’m not going to change someone’s mind with an internet debate, and I may just mar a friendship. I think there’s a lot to be gained from positivity, and you absolutely shouldn’t feel guilty about paring down your reading list to those people you actually *want* to read.
Great post, Amy!
I LOVE this. I’m not, by any stretch of the imagination, a “popular” blogger. Not even a little bit. But I follow some of the more popular bloggers, and a certain “clique,” I guess you could call it. And while these are very talented, hilarious, and wonderful women, I found that their presence on Twitter was exhausting. It was always a complaint about SOMETHING. Even something innocuous – but still a complaint or a whine or a “poor me and my life” kind of thing. And while it was often something funny and that I could relate to, I found it was truly coloring my outlook on life. As in, the second something irritated me in “real” life, I wanted to hop online and complain about it in ALL CAPS. I didn’t like that feeling.
So I took a break from Twitter and blog commenting and gained some perspective. I’m trying really hard to make this year the year I become a person I can be proud of and I think a big part of that is “faking it til I make it” when it comes to being a positive, genuinely happy person – in other words, only following positive people, and only tweeting and writing about things that make me feel happy and optimistic.
Thanks so much for sharing this.
I’ve wrestled with myself over this topic, because I don’t want to criticize people for posting their real feelings, but I’m damn sensitive to everything and I don’t want to read negativity (or even snark) all the time. So I’ve developed a new attitude about unfollowing people. Most often I do it because they’re negative, and even though I like them as people, that’s a legitimate reason to unfollow.
I recently had a run in with some online negativity that came my way. In one case from a complete stranger, in the other, from one of my “friends.” I call these people happiness haters. If someone makes a concerted effort to be negative daily, I intend to cut them out of my life. There is only room for happiness here!
I was thinking of writing a post on this topic today, too, actually, though I think mine will be a different spin. I agree that there’s a lot of negativity on Twitter, but sometimes I think it comes from the fact that we follow too many people we’d never be friends with if we met them in real life – people who we would butt heads with no matter what. The me I show online is largely the me of offline, too – and I’m not interested in changing that for the sake of people who would not like real-life me to begin with. Am I a negative person? No. A hundred times no. And I recognize the piece of this post that say if you consistently find yourself at the center of blogger battles, you should evaluate what you’re bringing the table as being relevant to (and possibly even directed toward) me. yes, I am a strong personality with strong opinions. But here’s what gets me: I can’t remember a single time when one of my tweets has offended one of the many real-life friends who follows me on Twitter, even acquaintances who I only sort of know (and if they have, those friends haven’t told me). This leads me to believe that either my friends are meek & don’t tell me when they think something is offensive (unlikely – those aren’t the kind of people I’m friends with!) or that they understand the way my real-life personality translates onto digital paper. Does that mean I need to do a better job of conveying the good aspects of my personality online? Perhaps, & I’ll take that point. But I think it also means that people who know me recognize that I never have mean or nasty intentions.
What I’m trying to say is that we should also just stop following people who we wouldn’t like anyway – it’s bound to cause negative interactions & hurt feelings. If we stick to folks who “get” us (& vice versa), we’re able to be ourselves online without worrying about the people who seem to interpret everything we say the wrong way. Does this lessen the beauty of social media that allows us to befriend people different than us who we might never seize the opportunity to speak with in real life? Yes, yes, yes. But there’s a reason we like the people we like in real life, & I don’t see much reason to try to abandon our principles of what makes for a friend online.
The thing is, I am not a ray of sunshine. But I have tried to be better about this, as well as saying positive things.
I have found myself unfollowing folks lately due to endless negativity or unnecessary catiness. It has been freeing.
I have a hard time with this exact thing, and I love your suggestions for resolving it. While I have an account on Facebook and Twitter, I hardly ever post anything. My Facebook “friends” often have such negative things to say. Or things that I end up judging – which is my problem, not theirs – but I end up feeling nasty and snide and irritated. Not sure why I inflict such negativity on myself! But I know if I got involved, it would be much worse. Luckily, the vast majority of people I follow on Twitter are kind and generous and supportive of one another and people in general, and I rarely have a problem with anything THEY say. But I’m still afraid to throw myself into the fray for fear of getting caught up in the ease of tweeting and the very real possibility of offending someone. Again, MY problem, not anyone else’s… But ACK. Social media is so RIFE with potential for drama!
Amen, sister.
Bravo! Love this post, Amy! I bite my tongue on Twitter a lot because what’s the point in chiming into a discussion where I just don’t agree with something?
Also, I completely agree some people are too blunt and outspoken for their own good. Honestly, I don’t CARE if that’s “how you are in real life too” it’s not nice online or offline. There are nice ways to say blunt things. That is one that really, really frustrates me. There is never a need to be rude when expressing an opinion.
I make a point of staying out of drama on line. Half the time I’m like – WHA?! because I have no clue. And I like it that way! There was this thing going around about a “be kind on the internet week” and I was like, but I am kind every day. I don’t get people who put energy into being negative towards others or mean. I feel sorry for those people who are so hateful and in such a dark place and I’d also like to kick their ass, especially when they are mean to my friends.
I agree with you that Twitter can be a very complain-y, negative place. I am guilty of that some days. I’m going to do better at voicing that publicly!
Great post @amy_estes: http://t.co/QL7juOQs”
YES. I’ve unfollowed “popular” bloggers because I was tired of their negativity and cattiness. And I think this is something we all struggle with. We forget just how what we throw out on the internet affects others. I’ll sometimes go back and delete posts after looking at them and realizing it didn’t need to be online. I don’t always like separating everything out, but I’ve created a private twitter which I try to use instead of using my regular account to bitch & moan. I also just made a tumblr just for my endo-related things, because I realize not everyone wants all those details. My personal account will still have ups and downs, but over the past 6 months or so, I’ve really been trying to think about and evaluate what type of person I’m presenting myself as online.
Here’s hoping we can all get better with this.
REALLY well written Amy
Excellent post, Amy!
I’ve only just started reading your blog, after following you on Twitter for several months, and I have to say, everything I’ve read so far has been really great, I think because of all the reasons you listed above. You really seem to be a mindful, purpose-filled blogger, and it’s quite refreshing. So, thank you! I’m adding your blog to my feed reader the second I push the “post comment” button.
Love this post! “An unfollow doesn’t mean that you’re a horrible person: it means that for now, your tweets and views on life aren’t meshing for the person doing the unfollowing.” YES, a thousand times over!
I think Kate brings up a really good point, about having a tendency to follow people that we wouldn’t necessarily be friends with in real life. I think a lot of the angst comes from that.
Personally, I have let go of all feelings when it comes to people unfollowing me. There are a million uses for social media, and if someone doesn’t relate to the way that I use it, they have every right to follow or ignore me and I truly won’t be offended.
Similarly, if someone says something truly hateful and offensive (objective or subjective, doesn’t matter) 75% of the time I usually respond, especially if it’s someone I respect. I don’t stand for certain things in real life and I want that to be even more strongly reflected online.
I do think there’s a lot of hypocrisy that happens online, though, which I think would happen in real life too if we all spent as much time together as we do online. People don’t like the negativity or drama, but how often do we tweet at brands or businesses about a bad product or poor customer service? And how much trash talk goes on behind the scenes that doesn’t get shared publicly? I feel like everything could be considered the exception to the rule, and instead of trying to change our followers, we should change our timeline.
A solution I’ve found is private lists. I have a private list of roughly 75 people whose updates I never want to miss, and I read that. I’ll occasionally skim through my feed, but the list keeps me from going crazy with annoyance and also eliminates the “unfollow guilt”.
I think your comment about more positivity is spot on, though – we could use more of that online AND off.
I’m right there with ya on this one! It’s too much to take on seeing so many people (for me it’s facebook and twitter) that have nothing positive to contribute to their online presence. There are those people that are always complaining about their situation & always showing negativity. I want to tell them, Do something about it then & don’t broadcast it to the world! I think I’ve always tried to go with… If I can’t say something positive & I’m not going to say much at all. Life’s too short to dwell on the negatives, or get down by someone else’s negativity. I find myself naturally taking more & more breaks from the internet because of this. I’m glad there are others out there, like you! that feel the same way!!
Oh hi, thanks for writing this post FOR ME. I’ve so been feeling this way recently. I spend entirely too much time internetting (at work, at home, when I’m around LG) and while I don’t intend on STOPPING anytime soon, I have made serious changes with regard to whose blogs I read and who I follow on Twitter. If I’m going to spend time engaged on the Internet, then it needs to be all for me, you know? I can’t be spending my time getting annoyed with it. If that’s what’s happening, then what’s the point?
Anyway, again, well said! (As usual
)
An excellent and thought-provoking post about being kind online by @amy_estes: bit.ly/yoAlPV
I totally get what Jenn is saying about following people you wouldn’t be friends with in real life. I think that is the source of most of my Twitter frustrations.
And like Ashley (writetoreach)I used to feel guilty when I’d unfollow people. Not so much anymore.
I tend to avoid tweeting when I am in a bad mood. A lot of people seem to run to twitter to vent every single thought they’ve ever had.
I wish more people would try it my way.
This is a great post, and not just for the internet. There are all sorts of draining, negative things in our lives, and I’m committed to slowly but surely ridding myself of them. And of course, to not being one myself!
Thanks for saying all this so well.
This is well worth a read: Be Kind, Online « Just a Titch http://t.co/75mJMMD1
So many great points in this post! I just love Amy:) http://t.co/iQQKAY1A
I love this, Amy. I nodded my head the whole way through it. Ditto to Sarah as well. xo
I love this, and as we discussed last night, wholeheartedly agree
You’re so smart and great. Thanks for writing this.
love this. i’ve definitely caught myself before posting something on twitter that really isn’t that important or is too negative. seriously, it helps no one. admittedly i still post negative things sometimes, but i always try to evaluate things before posting. it’s much better that way.
sharing this everywhere http://t.co/t4BTzbyh #saysomethingnice via @justatitch
This is a fantastic post, Amy. I catch myself getting caught up in the negativity way too often. I’ve started thinking before I tweet because some things? Just don’t need to be said. Plain and simple. It’s not about being sunshine-y and positive all the time, but about what persona you are projecting. We can be real and true and ourselves without being negative. At least I think so.
Again, lovely post.
I agree. I think I get the most anxious when I see people using the internet or social media as the place they dump all their stress. I try not to tweet or broadcast the little complaints. It happens, but I think people should be aware. And if only because when I look back at my twitter timeline, sometimes, I hate feeling like I’ve just been unhappy.
On the flip side, I think there is a lot pressure to act like your life is just pretty and fun. Especially in “lifestyle” blogs. Just be nice and make gorgeous crafts and it’ll be fine! Which can be exhausting in another sort of way. The trick is really finding a balance of people and blogs that work for you. And not letting yourself feel bad for (ruthlessly) excluding some people. Easier said than done, but I think it’s worth the effort.
And I think realizing that this list can (and should be) fluid. Your life and interests change, as does your mood and needs and just like in real life some people are right for a certain time and place, yet wrong for the long haul.
I’ll be 100% honest: I haven’t seen any negativity online for a very long time and I’m on Twitter often. Most likely, we’re not following the same exact people so that can be why! I’m a super positive person, so rarely will I bring up comments on something I hate or dislike… In fact, other than feeling sick yesterday, I can’t remember a negative tweet!
*However* this is within the blogging community. I’m a gamer girl, so I spend a lot of time within my various gaming worlds and holy crap… I have witnessed so much fighting, negativity and just down right rude behavior. It’s been annoying Jen and I so much, that we plan on switching to a different realm or just switching to a different game all together.
I understand needing a good vent, we all do and that’s what friends are for! I understand complaining when you’re really down, because often you’ll receive help and maybe help someone else as well… But just general hatred or negativity… Blah.
Lovely, lovely post, miss!!!
Great post. I think that we are so connected that we really need to take care of each other and ourselves. I made the decision a while ago that I only wanted lovely things in my life. And some days, the bad days that seem to stretch to weeks, that is so very hard. This post has inspired me to remember what I want from online life and real life… And contribute accordingly.
AMEN! RT @christeno: I love, love, love this post on remaining positive on the Internet from @amy_estes http://t.co/Ff4wxMYp
Amazing post, Amy. I couldn’t agree more with everything you said. People need to remember that one simple thing, that there’s a person behind there and if you wouldn’t say it right to their face in person, then you shouldn’t say it online. It hurts just as much. Thanks for posting this!
Great post. I have thought about this alot since I joined twitter about 6 months ago. I think sometimes it’s easy to start to fall into this pit of negativity where everything is a crisis and you have this sort of ‘chicken little’ perspective on things. I am far from perfect, so I am sure I have fallen into that pattern at times, but i try not to. I try to have a balance view on my life – and to reflect that view on twitter/social media/etc.
I am not a lover of debates. At all. Even when it’s with close friends or family, it makes me uncomfortable – mostly because what gets debated is often personal, so when someone disagrees with me, it just feels so personal… So I avoid it – which some may think is cowardly, but oh well! Plus I am prone to easily getting my feelings hurt over small things like a debate, so I try to stay out of things like that.
Great post, lady!
once again sharing this everywhere http://t.co/t4BTzbyh #saysomethingnice via @amy_estes
Be Kind Online – a really great piece from @amy_estes http://t.co/aPYcjOuG
Wow.
So, I’m taking an impromptu 3-day break from Twitter, Facebook, and Google Reader right now. Mostly because I’m curious how those things affect my productivity and relationships, but a side effect has been realizing how very, very much I don’t need to be on those things as much as I am.
Now I’m wondering how negative I am on Twitter…heh. I’ve realized that I think people use Twitter more when they are lonely. And the more they are typing out their every thought because they have no one to talk to in person, the more likely they are to start with the negativity, the snark, the ugly side of social media. And you know what? I am totally guilty of complaining. Totally.
Great food for thought. I could keep chatting away about this, but since this is the comment section, not a Google Chat window, I’ll stop myself.
Thanks, Amy!
[...] Just a Titch: Be Kind Online [...]
Yes, yes, yes! Great post, Amy! I think people feel somewhat anonymous on the internet and think they can get away with saying nasty things without any consequences and it just makes me sad. If you wouldn’t say something nasty to someone standing in front of you, don’t say in person. And it really isn’t personal. I unfollow people when they get to be noisy to me or when I don’t feel a connection and I shouldn’t have to be worried I’ll get a nasty email for doing so.
I was inspired by this blog post “Be Kind, Online” by @justatitch http://t.co/wg9AKpxB
This is the article that got me thinking. The Internet spreads so much negativity and makes me negative too! http://t.co/txuOxdzt
Be Kind, Online – http://t.co/q9FaDRBx via @JustaTitch!
Amen!
Ah, thank you for writing this, because everyone who’s on FB/Twitter and who blogs needs to hear it. The old saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” applies online, too.
Be Kind, Online – http://t.co/vtgMTS6k via @JustaTitch!
[...] but sometimes it's not that easy! Amy from Just a Titch has some pretty good suggestions for Being Kind Online, but I think they can be adopted to everyday 'real' life [...]
[...] wrote a beautiful post on being kind on the internet, something we could all do to [...]