{via}
“The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be…” — Oprah Winfrey
I’ve been sort of quiet over the past few days, just taking it all in & accepting the fact that in a few months, my life could look very different than it has for the past three years. The response of those close to me has been nothing short of amazing. To hear their love & support verbalized, to have offers of help & their verbal votes of confidence has made this whole experience so much easier.
Still, there is intense fear. There are a million reasons why I am scared, but I think that over the past week, I’ve discerned that what I fear the most is regression. The last time my life sort of crumbled beneath me {loss of marriage & job, a new relationship that ended & left me broken, financial struggle and a strained relationship with my family} I had no clue what to do. I’d never paid bills, never lived alone, never really broken away from my family’s beliefs & expectations, never done anything, really. It was my first foray into adulthood, & I crashed and burned. Being a teacher has represented a sense of stability in finances, schedule & lifestyle. Now that I stand to lose that again, I just don’t know what to make of it.
I just don’t want to be a hot mess again.
I saw my therapist this week {yes, I see a therapist}, a woman who has been seeing me since I was 21. She reminded me that I’m not the same girl as I was at 21. That I’ve evolved into a grown-up, a mature person, someone who can take care of herself. I feel like I’m forever fighting the feeling of being a little girl, of being incapable of making something of my life. I’m holding to that: trusting that I’ve grown up, that I’ve got skills & six more years of life experience under my belt. This is hardly the same thing.
Usually, when faced with a crisis or a change, I look outward. I read books & seek advice & talk to as many people as possible. Instead, this time, I’ve been writing. Pages & pages, handwritten & typed. I’ve listened to music that moves me & spent time with people who make me laugh & think & grow. I’ve spent my week & will continue to spend my weeks figuring out exactly what I hope to evolve into. There have always been these little whispered hopes in my heart & mind: to write, to edit, to travel, to work with social media, to do something I haven’t even dreamed of yet. Instead of reading books & absorbing information, I’m trying to look inside, to see what it is I really, really want.
There is a small part of me that is starting to be really, really excited. To see this as freeing instead of restricting, to see it as an opportunity and not a setback. I’m trying to let that little voice speak more, until it drowns out all the other little voices that are absolutely petrified. I am well-aware that the next few months could suck, that there will be tears & adjustments & change. But I am also well-aware that in the end, it’s gonna be okay.
I think this is what they call growth, kids.
Copyright © 2012
Yay you’re growing! Lol that sounds funny. I think you’re gonna be just fun sweetie, but I can understand why you’re concerned. Will be thinking happy thoughts for you that everything works out.
[Reply]
Even thought I don’t know you IRL, I feel like I “know” you from what I’ve read in this space. This time for you is SCARY. Obviously. But I have a feeling you’re going to get through this stronger than ever. And I love the passage “…to do something I haven’t even dreamed of yet.” You have a lot of life ahead of you and I know you will do awesome things with your life.
[Reply]
Losing a job is a tough thing to process at ANY age, but who knows? Maybe you’ll end up finding omething that makes you even happier (teaching or not)! Growing is good, so is looking forward, even if the future looks scary! Good luck!
[Reply]
*something
[Reply]
I am absolutely positive, Amy, that you’ll be able to see this as an opportunity to do something great, something different.
Yes, those times are scary, but with the support of your family and friends, you have nothing to worry about…
[Reply]
This is so beautifully put – I’m glad that you’re making room to see the potential for wonderful beautiful things that this is bringing, while still acknowledging that it’s all a little much to take in. Just focus on you and what you love, and things will start to become clear, I’m sure of it.
I’m shaking my pom pons already for what it’s worth =)
[Reply]
When one door closes…
[Reply]
I really love how open and honest you have been about this process. It’s never easy to lose a job and putting on a brave face is not always the best option. We get scared and confused and frightened about the future. But once we get past that to see the good in what can happen next is priceless. You may find your path completely different from what you expected…but it may be a billion times better than you ever imagined.
I’m rooting for you! You have tons of people behind you, supporting you and cheering you on!
[Reply]
*hug* <3
[Reply]
I’m happy for you. You’ve grown so much already, and I’m sure you’ll keep growing. I hope this will turn into an amazing opportunity for you!
[Reply]
That is a great attitude to have! You know that you’re going to get through this, and that is so important right now! Way to be positive
[Reply]
When I look back 6 years ago, I KNOW I’ve grown and changed, and I know that if I was dealt what I was dealt back then, I would be able to handle it. This time, I think I know what I’d do. It would suck, but I would get through it. Amy, I am confident that whatever happens with your job and whatever else, you will be able to handle it, and you will come out happy at the other end.
[Reply]
So proud of you for recognizing in yourself when you’re starting to go downhill – and for taking action to turn it into positivity instead. That right there, in itself, is immense growth. Hang in there.
[Reply]
I love that Oprah quote – it’s kind of like the Universe is screaming this at me because I saw it on someone else’s twitter stream this morning, then on your blog this afternoon and it really reflects the change that’s been happening within myself.
I’m starting to look at new situations (that have the possibility to completely up-end my life) as more exhilarating instead of frightening, which is an entirely new process for me, so I get it. embrace it. it’s a great feeling.
[Reply]
This is wonderful…I’m excited for everything that awaits you! I have a feeling it’s going to be great.
[Reply]
I like your last paragraph! I had/have been feeling that way too, but taking it as a way to do something else. I am still struggling with these thoughts and wanting to do something more excited and creative. Hmm..
[Reply]
I’m excited for you! We’re still young and have a lot ahead of us. I wish you the best!
[Reply]
After reading your post, stuck in my head, is that 80′s song they remade into a ghetto fabulous song… I can’t remember the exact lyrics but there is a line in it that quotes,
“Ain’t nobody gonna take my pride, ain’t nobody gonna hold me down, oh no, I’ve got to keep on movin!”
AND AMY. That is JUST what your gonna do. It may not look the same as the previous three years, but you’ve been too successful, became too resilient, and have too many people that love you to not help you “keep on movin”. Chin up dear friend, it will all work out for the good.
Also, I just gave you a new tune to download to add to your list of music that moves you currently. Haha, now if I could only remember the name of that song!
[Reply]
I think only in hindsight will you be truly and fully comfortable with this time of transition. But, to be able to be open to what’s to come. To approach this time as an opportunity. To embrace the things you see coming as well as those you don’t. And, as you so aptly put it, to know that everything will be okay on the other side? Yeah, that takes growth, guts and guns (as in muscle, not steel). And I’m quite certain you’ve got all of them!
[Reply]
Way to have a positive outlook in such an unsettling time. I was laid off last year and it was a job that I definitely didn’t want to be in anymore, but you always want to be the one who does the “breaking up,” not the one who’s being “broken up” with. I realize your situation isn’t exactly the same, but I have a new job now that I’m so much more happier in. So what I’m trying to say, is that I’m hoping good things come your way as well!
[Reply]
Good for you, Miss! I find that in times of difficulty from my past, when I’ve seen no solution, nothing concrete, and feel overwhelmed by uncertainty – it’s always worked out better in the end. And I think we can choose how we respond to those situations – in a negative, dwelling, wallowing way, or in a positive, “okay this didn’t work, let’s try something new” way, to learn and grow from them. And it makes me happy you’re doing the latter
[Reply]
so i’ve been meaning to comment on this blog entry for days. i just.. it struck a chord and i find myself choking up everytime I attempt to comment and so then i just put it on the backburner.
i just wanted to tell you, i wish i was as strong as you.
i guess if i were to summarize, that will suffice. wish i was as strong as you.
as always! thanks for sharing.
[Reply]