{via}
I’m not sure about you, but this week has really taken it out of me! Between work, writing, working out and some new, fun possibilities I’m really excited about, I am EXHAUSTED. I have a super busy weekend ahead, but I’m secretly hoping I can find a few hours to lay in a field. Still, I am feeling inspired, refreshed and excited, which is good!
Here are some of the things that are inspiring me this week:
- The ever-so-lovely and beautiful Kyla Roma knocked it out of the park this week with her new project, Four Little Pots. I downloaded and printed my copy of the E-book yesterday and oh my goodness, it’s adorable. I can’t wait to get started with my little herb garden! Because there’s a good chance I’ll be moving soon, I chose not to do a full garden like last summer — these four little pots will satiate my need for growing lovely things.
- I’ve developed a slight blog/life crush on The Urban Hippie: her pics are great and the things that she and her friends do for fun seem absolutely awesome. She’s a friend of some of my friends, so I keep hoping someday, I’ll be invited to a Pirate Party.
- The idea of networking sort of frightens me. I absolutely loathe sales pitches and doing one about myself sounds awful. Still, lately I’ve been finding myself in situations where a little networking would do a girl good. Thankfully, the ever-so-awesome Sarah Von of Yes And Yes put together a little series called “How To Hustle Like A Gangsta: Networking With Style, Soul and Substance”. Even someone as hesitant as me can put this guide to good use.
- Are you reading Helen Jane? Her entertaining tips, love for bocce, simple menus and joie de vivre will no doubt cheer you.
- If you’re looking for a few albums to put you in the mood for summer and some dancing, look no further than the new Girl Talk (downloadable here) and B.o.B.’s “The Adventures Of Bobby Ray” — both have had me car dancing like whoa.
- Your mom always told you to write those thank you notes. THXTHXTHX is Leah Dietrich’s daily exercise in gratitude and I’m a little bit in love with it.
- It’s no doubt that you’ve heard of The Happiness Project, but I am currently reading the book and feeling absolutely inspired by the small changes and great ideas for having a more joyful life. Read the blog or better yet, buy the book.
That’s what’s inspiring me this week! Now, it’s off for a weekend of concert in the park, helping Elizabeth and company with their backyard re-do for Turf Wars (it’s my chance to make it on TV!) and most importantly, celebrating my mom who is celebrating both her birthday AND Mother’s Day on Sunday! Should be a great weekend.
What’s inspiring you? What are you up to this weekend? Leave your answers to both in the comments…I’m always into reading new good things and hearing about fun plans.
Happy Friday!
Likes to wear black dresses as often as possible, usually paired with bold jewelry or a scarf or a cardigan. Talks to only a chosen few on the phone, preferring text or email for communication. Stops talking in order to eavesdrop on nearby conversations. Keeps too many things a secret.
Reads only books that hold her attention after the first 50 pages; avid believer that life is too short to read bad books — but reads a lot anyways. Carries a book in every single giant purse she owns, because being kept waiting without entertainment is a punishment worse than death. Only uses pens, never pencil.
Loves being an educator, but is unsure if that’s all her career will hold. Dreams of being a writer, alone in a pale teal office everyday with her thoughts and words and books.
Pretends like things are going swimmingly, even on bad days until she crumbles. Changes into sweats or jammies immediately upon returning home. Finds solace in trying new recipes or baking, but doesn’t do either as often as she wishes.
Dreams about Paris daily; can’t believe she’s never left the country.
Listens to music at a ridiculously loud volume in the car, sunroof open whenever possible. Car dancer. Music taste ranging from classic rock to dirty hip hop to alternative rock and back through again.
Wishes she was more direct, and concocts excellent retorts in her head, but rarely says exactly what she’s thinking. Stops to watch kids play together. Finishes pasta; abandons chicken and steak.
Attends concerts as often as possible, wishes she went to more poetry readings. Terrified of vomit, loneliness, losing those close to her and never being happy. Angry at things she can’t control.
Good at making others laugh. Laughs at herself easily. Quick to cry.
Sometimes happy-go-lucky, sometimes panicked with worry; usually somewhere in the middle.
Never wears lipstick, preferring chapstick or lip gloss. Hates beets, tomatoes and dates. Loves mushrooms, cheese and chocolate.
Belly-sleeper, sleep talker, and insomniac, but not all at once.
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Your turn. What’s on YOUR resume?
This post was inspired by Zan, writer at the lovely A Cup Of Tea & A Wheat Penny. If you’re not reading her, you should go there and start now. She’s truly wonderful.
Sometimes you just have to decide to see a show on a whim, especially when you’ve been pouty about not getting tickets.
Sometimes the planets align and everything comes together.
Sometimes you have to say “screw bedtime!” in favor of an experience that you just know will be amazing.
Sometimes you have to let lyrics move you to tears, because they are beautiful and brave and true.
Sometimes you can’t sit anymore and have to rush the stage because this crazy little band with a banjo, a bass, and so much talent has absolutely wowed the crowd, and you won’t be contained anymore.
Sometimes breaking your routine is exactly what you need.
Sometimes a random Tuesday will wind up being one of the best days ever.
Now, your turn: what’s your “Sometimes _______________” for today?
So, my birthday will go down as one of the best days ever, SERIOUSLY, because it was absolutely awesome. Between waking up to tweets & emails & Facebook posts & getting this adorable video & cards & texts & calls & all sorts of other goodies. My students surprised me with cakes & cards & sweetness.
Andrew went above & beyond: I was told to meet him in downtown Sacramento, & after a short walk, we arrived at a bicycle shop, & now I am the proud owner of a new turquoise beach cruiser bike! After seeing “Date Night” (which was hilarious!) we had a lovely dinner at Il Fornaio, where we were seated at what they called “The Table Of Honor” which meant appetizers, a pasta appetizer, an entree & dessert. I also had a sidecar, which got me tipsy, & yes, you had to basically roll me out of there when dinner was done.
It was an INCREDIBLE day. So full of love. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
For me, birthdays are half fun & half serious. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want to accomplish in the next year, about what I hope to be like when I turn the next age, about taking stock of where I’m at & where I hope to be. I know I spend much of this blog ranting on about goals & hopes & dreams & how inspired I am & all sorts of other drivel that I’m sure is quite painful to read over & over again, but yeah, that’s what I’m thinking about. Again. I AM SORRY.
The picture above says it all…to find you, to be you, & to be happy with that. I like to think I’ve found me, well, most of me. Now, to work on being me, & most importantly, being happy with me. It’s a constant battle, isn’t it? This being happy with ourselves. I’m slowly but surely learning that the more I work towards what it is that I really, really want, the more I feel like me.
Every year, I try & focus on a few things to keep me on track for the next year, things I hope to say I’ve done by my next birthday.
This year, I’m hoping & dreaming & scheming about:
- Writing. Doing it, daily. Looking for chances to write for money, but mostly, just writing for myself, because I love it.
- Health. Not weight loss only, but on eating well, on making exercise part of my life, more yoga, lots of bike rides & veggies & things that are good for me.
- Joy. Lately, I’ve been reminded that there is so much good in my life, so much love. I want to focus on more of THAT. More good stuff, less stressing about things I can’t control & more enjoyment of the small, good things that fill my days.
Three seemingly small things, but things that I know will make my life so much better.
What are YOU focused on right now? Do you set goals on your birthday?
Again, seriously, THANK YOU. Thank you so, so, so much. This place makes my life immeasurably better, every single day.
I am so glad I went.
There were a million reasons why Coachella wasn’t a good idea. I had been sick for 10 days. I shouldn’t be spending money when my job is uncertain. I had to leave late Thursday night, after Parent Night, meaning a long drive down California in the middle of the night, when I was already tired. Still, somehow, deep inside, I had an inkling that going was just what the doctor ordered.
As we set out down the road, late Thursday night, with the music loud & the stars shining above, I knew that I’d made the right choice. Sure, driving through the night when you’ve been awake since 5 am, & worked a 12 hour day seems kind of ridiculous, but I managed to stay awake the whole trip & watching the sun rise over the desert was gorgeous. I spent the car ride & trip with my old friend, Brian, my original partner in Coachella crime back in 2008. The conversation in the car ranged from silly to serious back again — the sort of conversations you can only have at 5 AM when you’re exhausted & trapped in a car. It was a great start to the trip.
We made it to Indio & set up camp with visions of a mid-morning nap dancing in our heads. Instead, it was hot as hell & the people next to us were blaring Howard Stern & then moved on to horrible 70′s rock & the kids who’d been up all night were running around camp like whoa. Instead, we got dressed for the day & headed into the festival to grab a spot on the grass for a nap in the shade before shows began.
Resting under the shade of a tent in the Do Lab, an art installation + DJ dance area
The day started with a mellow performance by Jets Overhead, a band I’d only heard a smattering of before leaving. They were chill, but very talented & the lead singer was incredibly happy. After a mellow morning, the rapper P.O.S. kicked things up a notch with some sarcastic lyrics & amazing beats — it was the shot of energy needed to get things really started. As Tall As Lions played next, & their set was okay, but didn’t warrant watching the whole thing. I’d had a sneaking suspicion that they might be better in studio than they were live, & yeah, I was right. Instead, we high-tailed it over the the Avett Brothers, who for me, played a flawless set, full of my favorites: January Wedding, Head Full Of Doubt/Road Full of Promise & I And Love And You. It was a soulful set, full of a lot of emotion for me, & by far, one of the best shows I’ve seen in a long time. After that set, it was back to the dance tent for Proxy, who was mind-blowingly awesome. The set was full of energy & cutting loose in the dance tent is always a good time. She & Him was up next & their set was adorable. Or at least Zooey Deschanel was. Next, back to the dance tent! Wolfgang Garter & Pretty Lights did two awesome sets, leading to three hours of dancing. After dinner, it was time for Imogen Heap, one of the most insanely talented people I’ve ever seen perform, ever. She does all of her own tracks, meaning that if she’s performing something with a drum riff in the background, she plays it first & records it using a leaper so you can hear it in the track. Her sound team was absolute crap, but she was still AMAZING. Her voice was incredible & she is seriously so cute.
Imogen!
After Imogen, we caught a few minutes of Benny Benassi, before moving on to the next one: Jay-Z. Jay-Z absolutely killed it, going through almost his entire catalogue of hits, getting the entire crowd to bounce with him & bringing out Beyonce to finish the set with Forever Young, before closing it with Encore.
We made it back to camp, & I slept so hard. I had been up for 44 hours straight, save for a little nap, & had no problem sleeping through the partiers around me. It was sweet, sweet sleep.
On Saturday, we sort of napped while watching John Waters (yes, the filmmaker) tell some of the most offensive jokes I’ve ever heard. Next, we headed over to hear Sam XL & Jason Bently spin in the dance tent, before heading over to see Camera Obscura. I have loved Camera Obscura for awhile, & their last album was my soundtrack through some difficult times. Seeing them was on my Life List & I was SO STOKED to cross it off. They were so cute & fun & it was great to hear the songs I’d grown to love so much live.
Another piece of art from an installation...
Next up was The Temper Trap, whose rendition of their major hit, “Sweet Disposition” didn’t disappoint. We checked out Band of Skulls, who were a little hard rock for my taste, before going to the dance tent once again for Dirty South, who was definitely one of the best DJ’s I’ve ever seen, ever. We caught part of The XX, who were cool, but a little too mellow to really hold my attention. After some dinner, we saw MGMT, who were sadly a total disappointment — they sounded like they hadn’t really been practicing, & sort of gave off a “we’re too cool for school” vibe. I was sad, because I love that band. For our final foray into the dance tent, we saw Z-Trip, who is a mash-up artist. He may officially replace Girl Talk as my favorite. It was an absolutely amazing set. Tiesto closed down the night — we caught a few minutes before heading over to see Sia, one of my all-time favorite artists & a great way to end the festival. Sadly, work was calling, so Sunday meant driving home. Still, so much awesome packed into two days.
These bracelets were everywhere. I’m sort of naive, but judging by the fact that one reads “DRUG” I’m guessing these have some sort of…meaning. I don’t know.
There were so many great moments over this weekend: conversations that made me laugh until I had tears, amazing people watching, seeing musicians I’ve loved & respected for so long put on amazing shows, discovering new DJ’s that I know will comprise much of my summer playlist.
One of my favorite moments came when I was in the dance tent, feeling the beat reverberate through every bone, cell & pore, jumping & dancing my heart out, when I was caught off guard by happiness. It’s been a hell of a year, rife with stress & tears & uncertainty, but there, in that moment, jumping along to a Daft Punk sample against a rap beat, I felt a joy & peace that I hadn’t had in months. Maybe it’s weird to find peace in a moment where you can’t even hear yourself think, but that’s where it was, in a white tent, under a hot desert sky.
Who knew that here, in the lights & the noise, is where I’d be surprised by happiness.
I am so glad I went.
Hello, friends!
Well, I am home from Coachella & back in the swing of work already. It was definitely painful to wake up this morning & have to get dressed like a grown-up & drive to work, instead of hanging out in the sun & making choices about which bands I want to see. I’ll have a post with photos & my full Coachella experience tomorrow, promise. Still editing a few photos & trying to sum up a weekend that was truly amazing.
In the mean time, I had a few minutes to do my drawing for my Dove giveaway, so I thought I’d post them now. Drum roll, please! The winners are…
Kathleen, Alyssa, Her, Kelly, & Kelli!
If you’re a winner, please shoot me an email so I can put you in touch with Dove so you can get your deodorant! Thanks to all who entered, and thanks to Dove for providing an AMAZING giveaway!
So, since my brain is still on vacation, please tell me: what is the best thing that happened to YOU this weekend? Tell me something good…it’ll make my Monday more bearable.
I turn 27 in a week (oh my goodness, that looks, sounds and feels OLD when I type it!) & my generous, amazing family & friends have asked what I wanted. I’m being practical & good right now since the future is so uncertain & asking for money to keep in my piggy bank, but if I had unlimited dollars, this would be my wishlist:
A Clarisonic, the world’s most amazing facial cleanser brush…
A cupcake decorating kit, & of course…
Some baking inspiration for some uh, healthier cupcakes. As healthy as cupcakes can be, right?
A trip to Paris, where I could ride on this carousel & gaze at the Eiffel Tower, sip coffee at a cafe & eat more baguettes & croissants than I could ever dream…
A shiny, new pink ride…
A record player, with plenty of albums, ready for a spin…
Unlimited yoga classes at my favorite yoga studio, so I could be a little tree all the time…
Tell me, what’s on YOUR wishlist?
When I was a little girl, I used to make lists in my journal about the sort of Amy I was going to be. Sometimes, the list included things like “neat, clean, perfect, polite, straight A’s” & other times, it included things like “fun, silly, outgoing, A’s and B’s, party girl.” The lists were always starkly divided into what I perceived as two types of girl: the good girl & the fun girl.
Maybe it seems silly, but for some reason, I guess you could say I’ve always believed that you had to be one or the other. In high school & college, I was the classic “good girl” who never really rebelled. I never had a detention, got excellent grades, didn’t touch alcohol ’til I was 21 & generally stayed out of trouble. Later, I turned into a sort of rebellious, free-spirited hippie chick who would stay out all night, cleanse her apartment’s negative energy with sage sticks, worked as a massage therapist & made a lot of (rather ugly) art. Now, I reside somewhere else completely, I guess: I’m a teacher, a wine drinker, a wannabe crafter & am generally all too practical. I’ve never been good at blending my different “selves” and while I’m not Sybill or anything, I have always felt like parts of me are compartmentalized.
The truth is, I’m a bit of a walking contradiction. I’m an extroverted introvert, an NPR-listener with a penchant for US Weekly, the sort of girl who will binge on reality TV before delving into a classic novel. My likes & dislikes, while specific, don’t always seem to match up.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m always giving up some part of me, not because anyone is all, “No, you can’t listen to that hip hop! You just turned off The Weepies!” but because I like things better when they fit into my own little prescribed boxes. I always want to fit onto a list, into a box.
Except, I don’t. I mean, I don’t at all. Nor do I really want to. And I’m learning everyday to be more okay with that.
Part of “being okay with that” means being okay with all the things I’m not into. I’ve learned to look at things I wish I was really into — things like painting, running, football, beer, drawing — & simply say, “Wow, I wish I was good at that! Looks like fun!” I try to admire people who are good at those things, without feeling the need to try & fit in to that little “box.”
Instead, I’m trying to just be excited about what I’m excited about. Currently, those things include writing daily, watching baseball, spin class, finding a place to do yoga, dreaming about visiting Paris, exploring new opportunities, listening to hip hop/indie/alternative playlists while I drive with my sunroof down, white wine, figuring out how to take a French class on the cheap, dresses, skirts & as always, the color pink. I’m learning to really love the fact that I cry easily & laugh easily & am witty & smart & sensitive, all rolled into one.
The amazing Danielle LaPorte wrote, “Authenticity is not an either/or equation. Your soul is an all-inclusive package … frills, foibles, and contradictions. It’s your opposing parts that leverage your magnificence into full force…Don’t resign yourself to your idiosyncrasies. ‘Accepting’ yourself is a passively lame option for full-tilt self love. Exalt your contradictions, celebrate them, go so far as to use them to your divine advantage.”
With every day, I’m trying to get closer to that full-tilt self love. Some days, it’s easy…some days, it’s not. But I’m getting there.
“See, I spent a lot of years being a person I wasn’t that proud of being and believing I couldn’t do much at all. I allowed my life (my relationships, my weight, my outlook on things) to reflect that. So, I want to give up some things this month to continue to prove to myself I can because I think when you surprise yourself, you begin to like yourself more and more. That’s important to me.”
— Jennie, who writes over at She Likes Purple
I was reading Jennie’s blog yesterday, and feeling inspired, because not only is Jennie the brains behind Style Lush, she’s doing all of these amazing things: budgeting and running 5K’s and giving up meat and being a great mom and an awesome friend. Jennie is one of those friends that I sort of stand in awe of, because while I have a million big ideas and secret dreams, Jennie DOES something about them.
Impressive.
I was reading along when I stumbled upon that little snippet, & tears sprang to my eyes. Tears are sort of standard here at Chez Amy, but that little string of words stirred something in me yesterday morning, as I read along in the silence of my classroom.
I’ve been feeling quite unsteady & unsure lately. Many things in my life are in flux, the largest of which is the possibility of not having a teaching job next year (although…possible good news on the horizon!). Every single person in my life has been all, “Yeah, you’ll be fine!” & proceeded to encourage me to write & edit & do all of those things that I try to cram in around lesson planning & reality TV.
All that I could think of was “ME? NO WAY!” or “Ha, I mean, sure, other people I know are making money from writing & finding ways to make it, but I could NEVER do that!”
Hang tight, I’m getting to the skinny part of this.
See, the thing is that I guess I’ve gotten a little used to letting myself down. I mean, yeah, I’ve gotten my act together significantly in the past few years, but I have this laundry list of very achievable goals. Things like losing weight, planning ahead at work, submitting some writing, finishing my laundry and generally keeping my life running smoothly. None of them are out of reach, or things I can’t do.
But somehow, in my little twisted head, I’ve gotten this message that I’m not good enough. Me, have a life that’s really & truly together? Me, be responsible enough with my money that I’ve got a large savings account & can pay off my debt? Me, actually lose the weight that causes me so much anguish? Me, be in a happy, healthy, functioning relationship that isn’t always on the verge of explosion? Me, live a life that’s creative & fun & bursting with possibility?
It all seems so out of reach for a girl like me.
You see, if you think you’re not worth it, it’s easily to justify letting your eating get out of control, because in your mind, you suck at everything, so why NOT just eat poorly, too? It’s easy to get off track going to the gym, because you already knew you weren’t ever really going to do it…you’re not capable of that. Because you’re a loser, remember? It’s easy to spend too much because you’ve decided you’re helpless at controlling your money. Why take opportunities when you know you’re just going to foul them up, anyways? When you don’t do something you really wanted, it’s easier because you’ve never really believed in yourself all along. It’s perfectly acceptable to spend your Saturdays lounging on the couch in a haze of Law and Order & whatever food you want, because you never really believed you could write successfully or start an Etsy shop or go out & tackle the world. It’s easy to let people let you down, because hey, you don’t think you’re worth all that much either. Letting people walk in & out of your life, trampling you in the process becomes tolerable when you view yourself as worthless.
My weight is just an outward manifestation of the fact that I don’t think very highly of myself.
Let’s be honest: I love food & don’t love working out — but those things CAN be overcome. I’ve got all of the knowledge in the world as to HOW to do this, I have a gym membership & every tool in the world to ensure my success. The “how-to” of weight loss isn’t a mystery to me.
It’s a heart problem.
Somewhere, inside I really believe, as absolutely effed up as this is, that I’m probably not worth it. I can’t tell you how many events —absolutely awesome events — I’ve bailed on because I didn’t want to look fat. I look back on memories from the past few years, & feel such little joy, because eww, I look disgusting in the photos. I don’t let myself fully enjoy things because I think I look terrible enjoying them.
Still, in my twisted little brain, I don’t believe I’m capable of much in this area. I think I’ve accepted that in this department, I’ll always be letting myself down, I’ll always be fatter than I’d like, I’ll never like my body, I’ll never be truly healthy or happy in my own skin.
I hate that. I don’t want to feel that way anymore.
So, to use Jennie’s words, I want to surprise myself. I want to look back in two months and say, “Holy crap! I really did workout every day before work!” I want to be proud of the way I’m eating. I want to see my body respond. I want to shock myself into seeing just how capable & awesome I am, because the more I think, write & process, the more I believe that when I get this issue in hand, my life will follow.
And most of all, I want to fix this little matter that is my heart, & my feelings towards myself. Because deep down, there’s this little voice that’s telling me that I’m worth a lot, that I deserve more than I’m allowing myself to have right now, that I can do & be & become all of these things & more.
I think I’d better listen.
{via}
I’m not always good at saying things out loud, but ink is some sort of liquid courage for me & so I send notes instead of speaking words. I’m not as nice to myself as I wish I was. I’m not as nice to others as I wish I was sometimes, either, & I’m not proud of that. I’m not into confrontation & I’m not good at taking criticism. I’m not a rebel without a cause, but I’m not always going to follow the letter of the law.
I’m not at all concerned with labels, & the idea of owning a Coach purse or a Dior anything doesn’t do a thing for me. I’m not into skinny jeans or jeans at all, really — I much prefer a dress or skirt, & I’m trying to make my wardrobe reflect that. I’m not embarrassed that I prefer a good consignment store or Target to the mall. I’m not into fancy cars or having a ton of money, but I’m not into worrying about where my next meal will come from either & calling myself bohemian.
I’m not as open as I seem, when it comes to what really matters & I’m not sorry about it, because if you wait, you’ll get there and I’m not kidding when I say I think it’s worth it, to really know me. I’m not opposed to keeping your secrets & listening to your stories. I’m not ever going to stop missing some people. I’m not able to stop over-thinking some things, but I’m okay with that, too.
I’m not sure why I haven’t traveled the world yet, when the mere sight of the Eiffel Tower gives me goosebumps; but I’m not sure why I still prefer coming home to my own bed over just about anything else. I’m not sure why I have such a hard time setting off on adventures, because I always have a fabulous time. I’m not sure when travel will happen for me, but I’m positive that it will.
I’m not athletic & I’m okay with the fact that I’ll never hear cheers while out on some court or field. I’m not good at buying presents, but you’ll know I love you if I bake you something just because. I’m not ashamed of the fact that I’ll listen to the same song on repeat for hours because if I do that, it means that the song is doing something to me & I want to savor it. I’m not above a good Facebook stalking, or a good reality TV marathon. I’m not above reading five books at once. I’m not ever going to stop loving food, or stop loving cooking it. I’m not the kind of girl who drinks her coffee without cream and sugar.
I’m not as strong or together as I pretend to be sometimes, but I’m not as devastated by things as I used to be. I’m not as uncomfortable about who I am, & I rarely feel like I want to climb out of my own skin anymore. I’m not ashamed that the littlest things can bring tears to my eyes, & I’m not embarrassed by my loud laugh. I’m not always politically correct in my humor, but I’m not mean at heart. I’m not good at dealing with people who can’t laugh at themselves.
I’m not good at drawing or directions or math. I’m not into people who cancel plans with me if something better comes along or who need the conversation squarely centered around them. I’m not into being told what to do, or given unsolicited advice. I’m not good at handling disappointment well. I’m not above drinking wine at home, but I’m not party friend who will hold your hair while you get sick in a gutter. I’m not doing as much yoga as I’d like.
I’m not the smartest girl, I’m not the prettiest girl, I’m not the most-anything girl, but I’d like to be the happiest girl.
I’m not sure exactly what that means or looks like for me, but I’m not done yet. I’ll know it when I get there.
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{A big thanks to Kyla Roma and Skrinkering Hearts for the inspiration}
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