The thing about middle school students is that they are brutally honest. Wondering if your hair looks weird? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you. Concerned that your outfit looks too strange? Most 13-year-olds will HAPPILY inform you of exactly what they think. There is no sugar coating. There is no concern for your feelings, just unbridled, realistic advice and commentary.
Sometimes, it’s adorable. For example, a student was once confiding in me about how she felt unpopular, lonely and was teased. As I was empathizing with her and encouraging her, she said, “Oh Miss E, I bet you were never, ever uncool or made fun of.” Clearly, she hasn’t seen this post.
Other times, students are straight up MEAN. But, the good thing is that they don’t usually throw a big fit if you get a little sassy with them. One student I have this year takes great delight in telling me she’s bored, or that my lessons are boring, or that I never teach them anything COOL. Luckily, she’s a sassy one, so she doesn’t get too offended when I say things like, “Does this look like a face that cares?” or when I feign sorrow and tell her I’ll change all of my lesson plans because GOD FORBID SHE IS BORED IN HER ENGLISH CLASS.
One of the things that’s hardest to get used to is the commentary on my makeup, hair, outfit, shoes, etc. I was wearing less makeup than normal the other day because my eyeliner had broken, and a student came in and took one look at me and said, “You’re tired today, huh? Or you just didn’t want to wear makeup?”
Anyways, one of my all-time best, most hilarious, honesty stories comes courtesy one of my favorite students. We were discussing the population of students that I work with. Gangs are a struggle, and many of my kids live in rough neighborhoods. I then asked my students why there weren’t any “emo kids” at the school. For those of you unfamiliar with the traditional emo kid:
Anyways, when I asked her, my student looked at me like I was INSANE. And then? She answered:
“Miss E? We got REAL SHIT TO WORRY ABOUT. I don’t care if my dad didn’t hug me enough when I was a kid, or that some boy I liked in 5th grade moved away. I worry about whether or not I’m gonna make it to school, yo! Forget those emo kids!”
And then, I laughed my face off for about 5 hours.
Love them, hate them, or fear them, middle schoolers can be pretty darn insightful.
I am happy to report that I survived my root canal. Actually, I did more than that: it actually went well. I seriously need to give a shout-out to the dental office I went to, because they have been nothing but awesome and accommodating to me. I haven’t felt badly about being sort of a spaz about the dentist, even for a second. They are working with my insurance, my budget, my everything. I cannot recommend Pleasant Dental in Roseville, CA highly enough. If you’re in town, and need a dentist, you should seriously go see them. NOW.
Anyways, I was amazed at how well it went. Andrew had to drive me because I was basically high as a kite, which was an interesting experience. I took a valium prior to the appointment, which took me to my “happy place.” And by happy place, I mean, a place where I wasn’t completely nervous as heck! My heart stopped pounding, and I sort of relaxed into the fact that I was going to be drilled into.
Next came nitrous. Ahh, nitrous. Have you had the pleasure? Because it is amazing. No jokes. I put on my little nitrous mask and all of a sudden, I didn’t care what was done to me. I didn’t feel the shots. I didn’t feel them start to drill. Basically, I slept with my mouth open for AN HOUR AND A HALF while they poked and prodded and worked. It makes you feel floaty and high and sort of crazy. I’m not a druggie in any sense of the word (hi, paranoia!) but nitrous is basically amazing. Seriously. It makes everything better.
I do think I scared my dentist for a hot minute when I raised my “pain hand” wildly. Um, no, I wasn’t in pain. I just realized that if I didn’t pee right that second? I might have peed my pants (well, skirt) because I was so relaxed, I didn’t realize that I had to go to the bathroom. THAT’S how relaxed I was.
All in all, it was a good experience. I completely lost track of time, and after 90 minutes, I floated home. Andrew made me macaroni and cheese, and I laid on the couch.
Best of all? I am know longer wishing for sweet death due to tooth pain.
I have a litany of tooth ailments, but now? I’m not so petrified.
One of the sweetest, most fun Blather-ers, Maggie posted a list of her current “policies” or rules for right now. I try and act all free-spirited and such, but the truth is that I’m a sucker for rules. I like making them, I like breaking them. I especially like when others break them and I get to point it out (what? I’m just being honest!). I got to thinking about all of the policies I inflict upon myself and others in my daily life. Here are a few of my rules:
1. Leave me alone in the morning. Seriously. I am not grumpy in the morning; however, I do like routine. Part of my routine is quiet. I make my lunch, I take my time getting ready. I usually have a few minutes to myself before I get on my way. DO NOT INTERRUPT THE ROUTINE.
2. In that same vein, a day without coffee is a day not worth living. For all y’all who “don’t need it!” or think that “caffeine is an unnecessary drug” you can just shut it. I love my coffee with an unbridled passion.
3. As a rule, I believe in road karma. This means that if at all possible, I let people in, if they use their turn signal and give me warning. I truly, deeply believe that those who let others in tend to be let in more often. I am also a big fan of the courtesy wave.
4. Lately, I’ve been into silence. Meaning: I turn off the music or audiobook in the car, I sit for a few minutes without TV or don’t make any noise in my classroom for a few minutes. And you know what? I swear that those few minutes of silence get me through the day.
5. In my Mondo Beyondo class, there was an interview with the writer/artist SARK and she said that every day, she commits her day to joy. She asks herself what she most wants to do that day, what will make her happiest, and then she does just that. While it’s rare that I can commit an entire day to doing exactly what I’d like, I’ve been trying to ask myself, judgment free, exactly what I WANT to do during my free time, and what will bring me most joy. And then? Not judging myself for it, whether my answer is calling a friend, watching ridiculous TV or something that seems frivolous. I’m just doing what I’d like.
6. I’m trying to be reasonable about food. Not restricting everything, but reasonable. I feel better when I say, “You may have that bit of Autumn Mix since you ate a salad for lunch” as opposed to the “NO SUGAR, YOU FATTY!” mantra I’d embraced for so long.
7. I have been ritualistically including pumpkin in my diet wherever, and whenever, in honor of the season.
Leave me a note in the comments: what are your current policies?
The title of this post, my friends, is a regular problem in my life. I have deep thoughts, yo. Lots of them. But some are too long for Twitter; yet, they are not long enough to actually blog. So, you get this ridiculous list format, which you will enjoy, because I said you should.
- First of all, my dad survived Day 1 of chemo, and was doing just fine as of last night. The nausea medication seems to be keeping his nausea at bay, and he was eating dinner when I called. Thank you for your continued prayers and good thoughts—he’ll be on this round until Friday, and then takes 28 days off while the chemo “does its thing.” Here’s to hoping that it continues to NOT make him sick.
- I was shocked to read of how many of you regularly unfriend people on Facebook. Oddly enough, this simple fact helped me feel better; however, H and I were not simply “old acquaintances” and had seen each other as recently as last month. I suppose that I need to just sack up and accept the fact that she doesn’t want to be friends, or maybe she does and couldn’t tell me, or maybe Andrew’s comment is right on the money…there is a lot of history in this “friendship” that should probably be a) accepted by me or b) discussed with my therapist. Only half kidding there.
- Is it weird that I like to wear the same outfit over and over? Sometimes, I get so attached to something that I just want to wear it for awhile. Between washings, obvs. I wish that people weren’t so creeped out by my love for my green cardigan or my black dress. Sigh.
- I had a staff development day yesterday, and as you read this, am probably trapped in a room with 8th graders, or will be soon. NOT READY FOR THIS. This year is really, really, really stretching me as a person, and as an educator. I am thankful for the break we just had, but am also hoping I can just make it through the next 9 weeks.
- In addition to wearing the same outfit repeatedly, sometimes, I just want to eat the same foods. Right now: raisin bran, soup, pad se ew, this really delicious salad from a place called Pluto’s. I just love routine. So, so, so much. And with routine comes food.
- Vicodin makes me crazier than normal. My dreams? OFF THE HOOK. I have had the weirdest dreams I’ve ever had in my entire life the past three nights. Vivid, strange and just plain insane. As for my daytime behavior, I do a lot of staring. Like, a lot of awkward gazing into the distance, mixed with some dozing. It’s probs a good thing that I’m getting that root canal tomorrow. Shockingly, I’m not feeling terribly anxious about it. I sort of want it over with, because I am OVER being in constant pain and feeling like a stoner.
- “Where The Wild Things Are” was amazing. Seriously. I cried. Oddly enough, I’m not sure little kids would really “get it” but as someone who loved the book, and loves Maurice Sendak, the movie was exquisite and emotional. And the soundtrack is great, too, despite it being by Karen O. of “Maa-aaaaa-aaaaa-aaaaappppssss” fame, something I wasn’t super into. But this soundtrack? Super cute. I just loved the whole thing.
I apologize for the lameness and/or brevity of this post. If you want something better, you can read me over here today at Novelista Barista, writing about something I’ve NEVER shared on this blog before as part of her Broken Heart Files…oooh, scandalous!
I have written before about the difficulties of navigating friendships during your 20′s, as well as the difficulties of having friends at different places in life. And while my blog may paint a different picture, as I’ve written before about the loss of friendships, the truth is that I’m fortunate to have many different friends in my life: former co-workers, childhood friends, college friends, blogging friends, faraway friends. While I don’t have one “best friend” or one “exclusive group” of friends, I feel so blessed by the myriad of people who are in my life. I’m a lucky girl.
And, as we all know, friendships grow and change and evolve as circumstances change, and over the weekend, I saw the manifestation of that.
A bit of back story: my first year of teaching, H and I worked together. We were fast friends, and spent a lot of time with other people we taught with. As friendships grew, I became acutely aware that I was not really “part of the group” and was invited to events occasionally, while the rest of the group spent more time with one another. Sure, this could be hurtful, as plans were often discussed right under my nose and I heard regularly about things that occurred over the weekends, but because I was dating Andrew, live a considerable distance from school, and had other friendships I was really busy with, I let it go. H and I still stayed fairly close, and would get together with mutual friends we shared. I was asked to help plan her work baby shower, and attended the one held outside of work. When she left to go on maternity leave and didn’t return to work, we still talked occasionally and even had lunch this past summer.
The Almighty Facebook let me know that the group of people I once considered friends were continuing to hang out without me, and while I missed them and made that known, the truth is that I didn’t particularly care. I am well-aware of the fact that friendships grow, change and manifest differently at times, and that is natural, and positive. But, over the weekend, I went to post something on H’s Facebook wall, and realized I’d received the ultimate social media insult: I had been unfriended.
I sent H a quick message, inquiring as to whether or not I’d inadvertently offended her, and if there’d been a conflict I wasn’t aware of. I got a prompt response that no, there was no “conflict” but that “our friendship had been going downhill” and “she didn’t want to be the life raft that held our friendship up, because she wasn’t even sure I wanted to be friends.”
My first reaction? Laughter. Honestly! Who takes the time to UNFRIEND someone?! There are plenty of people on my Facebook (no, not you!) who I’m not particularly close with. It makes me sad that as ADULTS, as opposed to sending me a quick message or a phone call saying, “Hey, I feel like we’ve lost touch, could we hang out some time?” I was just written off and deleted without a second thought; however, the friendship clearly wasn’t worth a phone call or email to her AND IT WAS TURNED AROUND ON ME. It begs the question: if you choose to not invite me to spend time with you, or with our mutual friends, than how am I failing to hold up my end of the friendship!?
Also, not to play the sympathy card, but with my family situation, maintaining friendships with people who show no interest in supporting me during such a tumultuous time isn’t exactly my highest priority. I haven’t been banging down ANYONE’S door to hang out—most of my close friends have pursued me, knowing all that’s going on. To be even more frank, I think that using Facebook as some sort of tool is sort of the “coward’s way out.” In my previous Facebook rant my dear friend remarked in the comments that, “Facebook allows people to behave poorly without any real discomfort to themselves.” I tend to agree here—as opposed to having an ADULT conversation about the fact that she felt I didn’t want to be friends, and perhaps clarifying and potentially salvaging the little friendship we had left, it was done in a manner that sent a message without speaking.
The bottom line is this: we all have choices about who we hang out with. Clearly, our friendship had faded semi-naturally. I don’t see the necessity in cutting someone off from one of the most impersonal methods of keeping in touch.
Internet, weigh-in here. Am I the lone reed who DOESN’T unfriend?! Is there some code of conduct I am missing? Should I do a good un-friending round on my Facebook? Or, am I right in thinking that most adults simply let the chips fall where they may in real life, and don’t stress so much about drawing the line using social media?
*Alternate title to this post: WHY FACEBOOK SHOULD JUST CEASE TO EXIST ALREADY.
*Paranoia alert: I really do have a ton of friends. Swearsies. I just blog like I’m a loser.
I suppose I should have done this earlier in the month, but I love this monthly check-in that I have stolen from Kapachino…
Current Books: I just finished The Wishing Year by Noelle Oxenhandler. It was a really great book, about a woman who spent a year wishing and hoping for the things she most wanted, and the magic behind it. It is (thankfully) nothing like The Secret as far as cheesiness goes, and I really enjoyed it. Right now, I am between a few books: re-reading Anne Lamott’s Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith and starting Writing Down The Bones and Eclipse (yes, the Twilight one).
Current Playlist: My friend Katy made me a fantastic mixed CD, from which I discovered Sea Wolf, Miracle Fortress and Easy Anthems. I’ve also been listening to some older favorites like Ingrid Michaelson, Feist, William Fitzsimmons and Kate Nash.
Current Guilty Pleasure: I don’t know that I even feel guilty, but I’ve been logging some serious time watching Flipping Out because Jeff Lewis is hysterical AND I basically want to be Jenni.
Current Color: I love green right now. I bought a bright green cardigan, and I can’t get enough of it.
Current Drink: Coffee, always and forever. Oh, and I’ve enjoyed a few glasses of Gewurtziminer lately.
Current Food: I made a huge batch of soup that I’m excited about. I’ve also been eating a lot of cereal. What is it about cereal that makes it AMAZING?!
Current Favorite Show: MadMen and Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Current Wishlist: Health for my dad. Not having to go back to work tomorrow. A bunch of new fall clothes. A new camera.
Current Needs: My sore throat to go away, and apparently, a big fat root canal on Wednesday.
Current Triumphs: I’ve done pretty well budgeting this month, and my apartment is super clean. Small victories, people.
Current Bane Of My Existence: My teeth. Work. My sore throat. Your mom.
Current Celebrity Crush: Don Draper, obviously.
Current Indulgence: I don’t know…sewing supplies? Nothing, really.
Current Blessing: Vicodin. Just kidding, kinda. My boyfriend has been pretty fantastic as of late.
Current Slang: Ugh, no idea. Probably something super annoying.
Current Outfit: Black dress, green cardigan, black shoes, “A” necklace. Boring, but cute.
Current Excitement: Going to see “Where The Wild Things Are” in a few hours!
Current Mood: Dreading work and anxious about my dad’s treatment beginning tomorrow!
Current Link: My friends Leslie and Steph are both talented photographers, so I love looking at their pictures!
Listen, after I wrote before about my dental anxiety, a billion people wrote me to say, “I was scared, too! It wasn’t so bad!” and “Go see Dr. ______________! He’s really gentle!”
Here’s the deal, guys: I never, ever planned on visiting a dentist again. Like, ever. I hate the dentist. Discussing going to the dentist makes me break out in a horrendously unattractive rash, and can even push me to the point of tears. I hate it, and truth be told, I barely survived my last experience a few months ago.
But, I’ve had this pain. Not normal pain. The sort of tooth pain that makes me want to slit my wrists. I sat on the couch and pulled my hair this morning, trying to distract from the pain, if only for a short while. I don’t even want you to know how many ibuprofen I’ve taken in the past 5 days.
So, today, I bit the bullet and called a few places to see who might be able to help me in the semi-near future. The first two places were a bust, but then I called an office that was SO DARN NICE. They encouraged me to come in, get looked at, and at the very least, promised me some pain medication so that I might be able to sleep tonight, which would be a GIFT. Best of all, she didn’t bat an eye when I told her I have severe dental anxiety, and right away said, “Oh, we can give you nitris or valium, or both. No problem.”
I went in, and true to her word, they set me up on nitris for my exam and my x-ray. Even better, she’s all, “Hey, want to watch something?” and then proceeded to put on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. You really haven’t experienced the Bluth’s until you’ve seen them while high on nitris. The rest of the exam went okay, though, I will be returning this week for a root canal which I’m not exactly stoked about. But, I have some pain meds ’til I get that done.
All in all, I still hate the dentist, but hey—any dentist who recognizes the importance of calming me down and showing me hilarious television while inflicting severe pain on me is a WINNER.
Also, thanks to the pain meds, you can expect lots of blogs that read like they were written by this guy:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs&hl=en&fs=1&]
I read this poem earlier this week on this site, and it’s been in my head ever since:
Flood
I woke to a voice within the room. perhaps.
The room itself: “You’re wasting this life
expecting disappointment.”
I packed my bag in the night
and peered in its leather belly
to count the essentials.
Nothing is essential.
To the east, the flood has begun.
Men call to each other on the water
for the comfort of voices.
Love surprises us.
It ends.
—Eliza Griswold
I keep returning to the same line, over and over: “You’re wasting this life, expecting disappointment.”
Wise words, and ones I keep turning over and over in my mind this afternoon.
Normally, I am thrilled beyond all reason when it is Friday; however, this week, I am bitter and depressed because it means that I have only the weekend barring me from my return to work. BOO! Still, here are a few things I’m loving this week:
—Some of my favorite ladies started a new blog called Style Lush, and they asked me to be part of it! Check me out here as I reveal one of Andrew and I’s weekly relationship tradition. Seriously, you’re going to be jealous AND you’re going to want to tell your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/dog about it right away so you can get started.
—I also post monthly at Real Mental, and my latest post is here.
—I am eagerly awaiting my next payday so that I can purchase these. Even Andrew, upon seeing them, remarked that “those are right up your alley.”
—If you’ve ever done hot yoga, you’re probably aware of the sliding towel issue. I really, really want one of these Yogitoes mats!
—All I want today is a box of Dots, some popcorn, Diet Coke and to see this movie.
Happy Friday, friends!
I have a vivid memory of being a child, and my dad taking me to the doctor because I’d been really sick. I was feeling terribly nauseous, and when we were there, I puked in the waiting room. I remember my dad cleaning me up, in my little pink sundress, and making me laugh until we could finally get into the doctor’s office and then go home.
Today, the roles will switch, as I take my dad to get his chest port put in for his chemotherapy, which will start on Monday. I will be the one driving and the one in the waiting room. It will be a switch from the traditional chain of events.
I’ve hesitated in writing a whole lot about my dad’s journey, for many reasons: some of it is private, some of it is because I know I wouldn’t want to read depressing stories every day nor would I want to write them, but most of all, there’s been part of me that keeps wishing, hoping, thinking and praying that maybe, somehow, this won’t be real—that one morning, I will wake up and everything will be normal, and our family won’t be facing this huge, ugly thing.
Today makes it real. Next week, it will be my daddy who is receiving strong chemo, and having radiation. It’s my mom who will be caring for him. It’s our family that will be different.
I realize every day how blessed I am to have the family that I do. We are incredibly close, and I am beyond grateful for that. The four of us have seen one another through tough times before, but the thing that’s hardest is that you can’t fix it. I can’t go through chemo for him, or take radiation for him, or alleviate anything. And believe me, if I could take it on, I would, without a moment’s hesitation. All I can do is be there, the best I can, whenever I can. It feels terrible that we can’t fix it, or make it okay; that no amount of money or jokes or anything that can correct this.
Yesterday, my dad’s doctor was incredibly reassuring that this is curable–not just treatable–but curable, with the proper treatments. Chemo and radiation aren’t our only options to fix this, and the truth is that doctor’s are optimistic that this will fix the issue completely.
So, at least we have hope. The next two months will be rough, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel a peace that we will beat this, that it will be okay; however, I would give anything in the world to change things, to ease them and to make this all go away.
I know that many of you are already praying, wishing, hoping for our family, but please—we would be so grateful as we finally get the treatment underway. It means the world to us.
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