As much as I share here, this is the first solo, full-body shot I’ve ever posted here. I know. For someone as obviously narcissistic as I am, this is surprising.
Typically, when I post body pics, I’m shoving my 5″1 frame into someone else’s body, praying that my body will be overlooked. I focus on my face. I avoid posting photos of myself at all. I have written here extensively about my body, about how I feel towards about, about how much I want to transform it.
And yet I refuse to show it.
I look at my body now, at almost 27 1/2 and I know where I’m headed. Scary words like “diabetes” and “arthritis” and “heart disease” have appeared in my family. I don’t want that. I don’t want to keep hiding my body. I don’t want to feel hindered by my weight, to see everything through a lens of “If only I were thinner” or “I can do that when I’m in better shape.” I don’t want to keep suffering, and while I appreciate all of the positive sentiments I’ve heard about not letting being overweight stop me from enjoying life, the truth is, for better or worse, it does. I don’t want that.
But beyond what I don’t want is what I do want. I want to enjoy shopping again. I want to look at pictures and feel happy instead of cringing. I want to hike Half Dome with relative ease and swim in a bathing suit instead of board shorts. I want to sleep well and be healthy when I (eventually, in a long time) get pregnant and I want to feel good. I want to be in my 80′s and healthy. And most of all, I want to feel happy with my body. Of course, there are all those other moments I can’t help but imagine: walking down the aisle in a dress that’s flattering, wearing a cute dress in Vegas, being able to take silly photos without worrying about my body.
At this point, this isn’t about being hard on myself, or being a perfectionist: this is about making myself better, or good at all, even. It’s about being healthy.
I know I’ve written a ton here, but today is the first day of my healthy life. To steal another blogger I adore’s term, I’ve hit my Healthy Tipping Point.
This is the first time I’ve put my money where my mouth is and gotten actual, real help. Not a gym membership or a Weight Watchers group or a new cookbook or what have you. I’ve enlisted the help of a trainer/life coach/wellness specialist/nutritionist.
When I first started considering what might be most helpful, I knew what wouldn’t work. I’ve tried boot camps, gym routines, tracking food, Weight Watchers. I know that there’s more to my story, to what my issues are. I started looking around to see what resources were available, and I’m happy to say I found one that I think will work. I’m going to be working with a trainer/wellness specialist/life coach/nutritionist. His name is Sham Sanghera.
When I first found Sham, it was after reading a million reviews of trainers. What stood out to me was the fact that he deals with the “other stuff.” It’s not just a nutrition plan or a workout routine. It’s a life thing. It’s looking at me as a person, not as a weight or a BMI or a plan. It’s figuring out the why’s and what’s really going on behind this.
There are people I know who don’t need this. Who can simply set their mind to a diet or a workout routine, and of that I am insanely envious. I think for me, it’s been realizing that this is a demon that won’t go away.
I know that I have a long journey ahead of me—undoubtedly. But I also feel like for the first time, I’m going beyond half-hearted efforts and well-written blog posts and doing it.
I hope that in a few months, I’ll be able to post a picture of my body that makes me smile.
It’d be the first time.
{via}
Well, hello there.
I am back. I spent my break back in Springfield, Illinois (but, uh, didn’t tell you guys because I am PARANOID) visiting Andrew’s family. I’ve written about visiting Illinois before (this was my fourth visit) and I love it every time. There really is something special about a Midwest summer, with it’s sticky heat and cloudy days, the hum of the cicadas and the breeze. This time, I suffered from the most ridiculous allergies ever, but thankfully, the ridiculous sneeze attacks didn’t stop the trip from being magical.
I spent time on Lake Springfield (Andrew’s family home sits mere steps from the lake) just looking at the water and on a boat. There were afternoon naps and games and plenty of time to read. I had some great conversations and wrote in my journal and did a lot of thinking. I’ve felt so overwhelmed lately that it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to just sit with my thoughts and get some perspective.
The things I learned will undoubtedly be spilling out here over the next few weeks, as there is quite a bit of good stuff on the horizon for me, but just for today, I wanted to pop in, to say hello and thank you for the sweet comments about my break.
Now it’s your turn: what’s the best thing that happened to you in the past week? I’m all ears.
No, no…I’m not back, but I am elsewhere. The gorgeous Alex Franzen, interviewed me over at her place.
Check it out here!
See you soon!
When I was earning my teaching credential, my favorite professor told me something that I’ll never forget. She spoke about how among teachers (and in my opinion, among just about everyone) there is this pressure to be busy and to be seen as someone who always has something going on. She asked us, point blank: how can you be expected to produce, to put out anything of value, if you’re not refreshed and full of good things? Her suggestion was to skip mindless grading and spend weekends and free time reading, seeing movies and enjoying the things that led us to our profession in the first place.
I’ve been thinking about her advice ever since.
Life is good. No, really. It is lovely. Things have reached this really amazing balance point of being insanely busy with things I love, with plenty to look forward to, plus a giant helping of gratitude for all the could-have-been’s this past year. I’m easing into a place where life is feeling pretty good again, as opposed to the hellish pace of the last year.
With that goodness comes a desire to really slow down, and enjoy it. To not be tied to my iPhone and computer 24/7—part of this stems from the fact that much of my work life is online now, and it’s not just a hobby. There have been times in recent weeks where I feel stretched thin, void of any stories to share here. I am not burned out, just feeling like I need to make time to enjoy life in simpler ways. I want to read books and write in a journal and have time to converse with those I love in person, not online.
In the history of Just A Titch, I’ve never taken a break of more than three days, and for quite some time, I posted at least once a day. I love this place so much, and trust me, I’m not going ANYWHERE.
Still, I’ve decided to take the rest of August off. It’s just 6 days, sure. But for a neurotic blogger like me, that’s quite a vacation. While I’m gone, I’ll be developing a vision for what the fall will mean for this blog. I’ll be preparing for other things, like working with my new trainer and getting into some healthy patterns. I’ll be spending time with Andrew. I also forsee quite a few naps and books and other good things that tend to make me feel renewed and refreshed. There’s nothing “bad” going on; just a desire to step back and enjoy some time away.
I’ll be back Wednesday, September 1, with new stories and good things to share with you. I’ll be tweeting a little bit—this isn’t a full digital sabbatical, but just a few days to collect my thoughts and really enjoy life offline.
I wish you the best of weeks, and I’ll see you September 1, lovelies!
It would probably scare most of you off if you knew how anxious I am…I fear everything from the dark to things that go bump in the night to germs to just about everything. Oh, and heights. Definitely, for sure, HEIGHTS.
Still, when I was writing my Life List, somehow, a hot air balloon ended up on there. As a kid, there were these fields near my house (where my high school would later be built!) that housed a yearly hot air balloon race starting point. I have fond memories of going with my parents and watching the sky be filled with color until all the little specks drifted away and the hot air balloons went off to their next destination. Somehow, I’ve always found them totally fascinating, and lovely, really. I always thought that someday, on a whim, I’d check that little dream off my list…and then…
The RSCVA emailed me and said, “Hey, do you wanna come check out Reno and ride in a hot air balloon for the Great Reno Balloon Race? You know, like, as media?” I said yes without even considering my fear of heights. Hotel + food + Doni + hot air balloon? How can I say no?
So, yes…this is that Super Secret September adventure I mentioned in my last post. I’m excited to see a friend, conquer a fear and see the gorgeous Nevada-California landscape from the vantage point of a hot air balloon. It’s a childhood dream come true, really.
Have you conquered any fears lately?
In case it wasn’t obvious, the RSCVA is covering my food, lodging and of course, the hot air balloon. The massive hug-fest you’ll hear around the world is sponsored by me and Doniree and Becca. They’re of course hoping I’ll write about it, and I most definitely will share the adventure here. Look for it, coming soon!
Here in Sacramento, the air is already getting crisp and leaves are starting to take on an orange-ish hue. I am eagerly awaiting the days of tights and cardigans and argyle socks, crunchy apples making their way to the grocery store bins and needing to add an additional blanket to our bed. Fall is my favorite time of year, and I can hardly wait for it’s arrival.
When I look at my calendar for the Fall, I cannot believe how much Awesome Stuff I’ve managed to pack in before it even really begins. I’ve seen a few fresh-start Fall posts on some other blogs I love, so I thought I’d share what I’ll be up to this Fall.
On the homefront…
There are good things happening in the day-to-day. My new job continues to be amazing. It feels like I’ve worked there forever, but in the best ways—I feel like I’m right where I belong right now. I’m loving the logistical side of things, too, like not commuting an hour and a half, and getting up early to read and write and working in the city I love. It’s amazing.
After work, less big things are happening, but that’s just how I want it. I’m in full swing of mentoring, am hoping to dive head first into Home Ec and am trying to make time to just be quiet and enjoy the times I’m not out running around. I’m also stoked about launching Books and Booze, a co-ed book club some friends and I are launching. I cannot wait to gather people together for drinks and discussion of BOOKS! Friend dates, family dinners and times shared with those I hold dear have been rounding out my calendar, and I love it.
Also, after writing an excessive amount of posts on my weight/health, I’m taking some pretty drastic measures, including a renewed, hardcore commitment to Weight Watchers and partnering with a trainer to set up some healthy patterns. You’ll definitely be reading more about that later.
Perhaps the most exciting thing of all is that in a few weeks, I’ll be watching my little brother get married! We’re so excited about his wedding, not only because it’ll be an awesome party, but because he’s marrying a lovely girl. It’s going to be great to get the family together and celebrate this new addition.
Far away…
Soon and very soon, I’ll be heading to Illinois for my fourth visit to Andrew’s family. I have absolutely fallen in love with Springfield, the town Andrew grew up in, and I’m so excited to spend time in Lake Springfield, see Andrew’s family, rest and relax a bit. Life always feels a little slower in the Midwest, and I can’t wait.
In September, I’m headed out for a brief, super-secret getaway that includes a meet-up with one of my favorite bloggers AND crossing something off my Life List. I cannot wait to tell you about this little mini-adventure…but you’ll have to wait.
October will bring a trip to Los Angeles! I fell in love with so many lovely people in Vegas, many of whom live in LA. I’m looking forward to continuing the big hugs, great talks, dance parties and LAUGHTER and seeing these people I grew to love so much.
I’m also hoping to sneak in a trip or two down to San Francisco, and maybe a weekend away with Andrew. While I’m definitely a homebody, I also love the chance to get out of town, enjoy new experiences and clear my head a bit. I’m glad to see some travel planned out on my weekends.
Sound of music…
After deciding that 2009 was lacking in concerts (I only went to ONE!) and being reminded of the innate joy that music brings me when I went to Coachella back in April, I decided that seeing more concerts this year was an absolute must. Next week, my mom and I are going to see Michael Buble. In September, Andrew and I are seeing David Gray and Ray LaMontagne. The Weepies are set for October and in November, it’s Florence + The Machine.
I love music so much, and all of these artists are longtime loves of mine. It’s going to be amazing—there’s nothing like a good concert to keep me inspired and happy.
On the blog…
I’ve been dreaming about what it is I want to do with this space. You may have noticed that I’ve been “here” a lot less frequently lately. Part of that is due to me being insanely busy, and part of that is because I’m trying to write when I feel driven to do so, not because it’s a day that ends in “y.” I’ve got some big dreams about what’s next for this place, and I’m hoping to start bringing them into fruition soon. Tell me: what do you LOVE reading about here? What posts bore you? I’d love to know. In a respectful manner, of course—blogs have feelings, too.
So, friends…that’s my fall. What do you have on the calendar as the weather cools down? Tell me!
Don’t let perfection be the enemy of the good — Unknown
In my fifth grade class, we took a lot of notes during history class. One day, I got stuck on the idea that my notes should look perfect. Every time I made the smallest of errors: disliking the shape of a letter, misspelling a word, smudging the paper, I would rip that page out of my binder and start over. Before I knew it, note taking was over, and I was left with nothing, all because I was so sure that my notes wouldn’t be okay if they weren’t perfect.
This weekend, the above quote was on the wall in my Weight Watchers meeting, the first one I’ve been to in quite some time. It struck me, not only because it applies to MY WHOLE DAMN LIFE but because of it’s relationship to me and food, working out, and getting healthy.
I’m excellent at planning. I make good lists, schedule, and iron out details with the best intentions. But, as we all know, life gets in the way. I have a long day at work or a bad night of sleep or really crave that chocolate, and BAM, all of a sudden I’ve thrown away a week because I didn’t do it perfectly.
I know I’m not alone when I say that I don’t like doing things I’m not good at. Maybe because as a kid, I was decent at the things I cared about: school, music, having a reasonable amount of friends, reading, writing…they all came fairly easily to me. I never worried about being good at sports or math or what have you; I could easily avoid doing things I wasn’t instantly skilled at. We’ve all heard that practice makes perfect, but I don’t like that practice part—I just want the perfect part.
It’s not a good way to live.
I find myself not doing things that I’m not good at, not because I don’t enjoy the try, but because I don’t enjoy the failure. One of the things that makes Andrew the most insane when we argue is that I’m quick to declare that a night is “ruined” or a day is “ruined” because of a few cross words. When I say I’m a perfectionist, it’s not just for the good of a job interview, or to sound virtuous, it’s literally something that paralyzes me.
This affects my weight loss efforts for a few reasons. First, I start with the best intentions, but then I miss a workout. I eat a muffin in the morning and then before I know it, I’ve declared the day a wash and eat a burger or dessert or pasta, too. I declare my efforts ruined, before I finally make a list and a perfect plan and start all over again.
What my Weight Watchers leader emphasized this weekend was learning to be flexible. To adjust to the seas of everyday life. To have grace for myself when I eat a brownie, and to not let it stop me in my tracks. To lace up my running shoes even if I miss a day.
I know that my leader meant for this lesson to focus on food and working out, but I think I can apply it to life overall. I want to work on doing things that are good, instead of counting it as a waste if it’s not 100% perfection. I want to just keep trying again, to trust that if I keep going—at weight loss, at sewing, at guitar, at being a better person overall—that I’ll get there.
And that will be good. Maybe not perfect. But good.
If you read blogs, it’s likely you’ve run across the Life List and/or a hater of the Life List. Obviously, I fall in the first camp, as demonstrated a few inches above these words. I made one for a few reasons. First and foremost, I love lists. I loved the idea of making a list of things I want to do, of writing down all the little hopes and dreams that have wormed their way into my thoughts over the years. I also like the feeling of checking things off a list, mostly because I like “gold stars” and of course, attention, even if it comes from me. I get an enormous sense of satisfaction from checking things off of my list.
Recently, I applied to attend a retreat run by a blogger who has sort of “claimed” the Life List and re-named it with her branding. Let it be known that I read her site faithfully, don’t plan to stop and this is NOT a rant about her in any way. As you might guess, I was not accepted to attend, and now that attendee bios are being released, I completely get why: it’s much bigger-name bloggers and as last year’s event demonstrated, there definitely is a marketing aspect. While Just A Titch is growing, it certainly doesn’t have the pull of some of these other blogs. No hard feelings there.
Still, there is an aspect that does bug me about this whole thing, and that is that I feel like by selecting people based in part on their Life Lists, there’s some sort of message there about whose Life List is worth accomplishing, or whose items are the “coolest.” I feel like a Life List is personal. I am definitely inspired by the Life Lists of girls I know and love, but that’s because it’s their list and it fits their personalities. I made a list that was all about me, and my dreams. I didn’t add things to my list to be seen as cool or to be accepted on a retreat: I added them because they’re the things that I want to spend my life accomplishing. And while sure, I would have loved to spend a weekend with women from the Internet who are doing amazing things, I mostly want to feel good about the things that I’m doing because they have value for me. It just seems very counter-intuitive to make a list and have it analyzed for awesome.
The other side of this coin is that I don’t want to spend my life chasing these moments that are “on the list.” Sure, I’ve had some of the experiences on the list, but I’ve also had decidedly awesome moments that I didn’t plan. Watching fireworks on the hood of Andrew’s car in a Sonic parking lot instead of the fancy 4th of July plans I thought I had, and realizing how much I loved him two summers ago. This past Christmas Eve, with just my immediate family and Irish coffees and Yahtzee. Those days with nothing but green lights and good news and absolute joy. You can’t manufacture those moments, or anticipate them: they just happen, unscripted.
Sometimes, I think about keeping the bookend to the Life List: the moments of life that are good, that don’t require anything crossed off, but instead, require the addition to that list we all keep, those moments that mean the world to us, the things that keep us going on the darkest days. Yes, I think I’ll start a list like that, maybe not on my blog for everyone to see, but somewhere just for me.
Disclaimer: This post is not dedicated to any one person, or directed at any one thing. I’ve seen these sentiments everywhere, and this is my opinion. That’s it. Take it or leave it, hate me or love me, but these are my thoughts.
Over the past few weeks, my Twitter stream and Facebook page have filled with little snarky remarks regarding the release of the movie “Eat, Pray, Love” based on the book of the same name. I’ve taken the time to read them all, haven’t really responded or said my “piece” about my feelings, but man, do I have them.
You can call me “rich and white” or give me the side eye or think I support her “whining” but honestly? I freaking love Elizabeth Gilbert. I loved the book. And I’m for sure seeing the movie.
I’ll tell you why.
First of all, I bought this book before the Home Shopping Network line, before the movie, before anything, really. I read it back in 2006, when I was 23 and going through my own divorce. And while most of my divorce grief consisted of Eat, Cry, Drink, I absolutely loved her journey. I felt for her. I felt her struggles. The book opens with her discussing those bathroom floor moments, those quietly desperate moments when she knew she was trapped, unhappy and alone. I had my moments: the bathtub moments, nursing stress-induced migraines, where I thought about death and running away and figuring out anything I could to just escape my life. I understood her.
One of the biggest complaints I’ve heard about her is that she is “spoiled” and got to run away. If you honestly tell me that in a moment of complete crisis, the end of life as you know it, that if someone told you they’d pay for you to travel the world, to escape the day-to-day unhappiness you were facing, that you’d turn it down, I’d call you a liar. I call bullshit. Most people I know would jump at the chance, and many have. I’ve read more blogs of 20-somethings who are unhappy with their life, who quit their job, who need a change and take off to “study abroad” or “backpack” through Europe or even the US, calling it a “quarter-life crisis” and expect no pushback. And please, spare me: I highly doubt that all of those 20-somethings funded those trips themselves. Mom and Dad paying for it, expecting nothing in return, is no different than publishers subsidizing your trip. And again, NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. But please, let’s not act like Gilbert did something wrong by taking a trip of a lifetime; no one I know would dare criticize any of the amazing trips of other people we know.
Just because her journey looks prettier doesn’t mean we can judge it. Yes, people have changed their lives (myself included) without the benefit of a ton of money and world travel. I find it odd that so many of her naysayers are the same people who cry out for freedom, for individuality, for the ability to choose our own path, for the chance to do it differently. I find it disheartening that they extend that grace to themselves, to people doing it on terms they consider acceptable, but fail to extend it to Gilbert. I have seen Elizabeth Gilbert speak, and in all honesty, I doubt that she thought this little book, this most personal story of hers, was going to skyrocket into the fame it has. And sure, I can get behind the fact that it seems a little ridiculous, a little over-the-top. Still, I ask you, honestly: if you wrote something that so many people loved, that was optioned into a movie, would you say no? Can we fault her for being a good business woman, for turning an opportunity into a huge cash cow? I don’t think so. I just don’t.
I can definitely support the notion that other people have much worse lives. Um, yeah. They do. And trust me, I’m not insensitive to that fact. I taught for three years among devastating poverty, and I’m continuing in that vein as a mentor to a child whose life contains more sadness than mine ever will. Still, I can understand the feeling that on paper, life looks great, but inside, things are not. I’ve been there. Whether she’s rich or privileged, she’s human. And humans feel unhappy and frustrated. While yes, I feel completely envious of her chance to run away from life, I refuse to hate her for it. I just can’t. Also: if you have a blog, your life is better than 99% of the world. The fact that you have money for a computer, for Internet, for experiences to blog about, your life is better. And I refuse to even comment on the irony of BLOGGERS commenting on her supposed self-pity and narcissism. That’s what’s made blogs big, folks.
In short: there are many paths to creating the authentic life so many people are passionate about. Why criticize someone who got to do it in an extraordinary way?
I’m not expecting you to change your mind, nor do I expect you to buy in, read the book, see the film. I realize that this post might piss some of you off, or make you think I’m just spoiled, but I’m sorry. I loved the book. I love the fact that she got to write about beautiful places while healing from a terrible sadness. And soon, you’ll find me, popcorn and Junior Mints in hand, sipping on a Diet Coke and enjoying the hell out of one of my favorite books from the past five years, as all the characters I fell in love with come to life on a movie screen.
Remember this post? The one in which I admitted my complete hatred for laundry, and also that it’s basically defeated me in every way possible because I both hate it and refuse to do it.
Well, guess what? Laundry, you win.
I’m sure my mom is going to be ashamed (HI MOM!) but on Friday, after realizing just how long it’d been since I washed clothes and really, truly having nothing to wear, I spent a significant amount of time Yelp-ing the hell out of where exactly I could take my clothing to be washed, cheaply, quickly and well.
See, the laundry problem was bad enough when I had a washer-dryer in my apartment. Now, our laundry area is in the back yard. That’s a pain. Also, there’s the issue of our creepy apartment manager, who I am sort of convinced would just love to get me alone in said laundry area. No, really, this man is SO CREEPY that when he entered our apartment on move-in day to talk with Andrew and make sure things were going okay, he just stood awkwardly, staring at us until my dad finally said, “HELLO, CAN I HELP YOU?” and he finally announced who he was. My dad confessed that he thought he was a derelict, and yeah, so did I. But no, sadly, he is the person we must make contact with any time we need anything. This means that I rarely need anything.
Anyways, after I finally found a magical place that did laundry cheaper than anyone else in town. And Sacramentans, if you think I’m going to link it, you’re high, because I need this place to stay cheap and hidden and awesome. I dropped off my clothes, sheets and towels, and four hours and $30 later, they were clean, folded, perfection. They smelled SO GOOD. Everything was ironed.
My laundry has never looked so good.
While yes, I realize that this is the epitome of lazy, it also really does make sense money and time wise. Our laundry center on site would cost close to $20 to do all my clothes. Add that to time and the cost of soap and dryer sheets, and of course my PRICELESS HATRED of laundry, and well…
I don’t think I’ve spent a better $30 recently.
So, judge me if you will, but at least I won’t be a smelly, wrinkled mess while you’re doing so.
Would you ever use a laundry service?
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