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On Tuesday night, I attended my first Sacramento Social Media Club event, a panel about Food Blogging.  Um, yes, I realize that I’m not a food blogger.  Still, since I’m basically a full-on social media geek, and I’m also actively seeking new ways to connect with my community here in Sacramento when it comes to social media, I went.

The event was held at the Urban Hive, a cool space with a lot of art.  I was pleasantly surprised to see so many people — had NO IDEA that there were so many people passionate about social media in Sacramento.  After sampling some delicious cookies from a local restaurant, Grange, I headed into the panel with my new friend, Wendy.

The speakers were diverse, and included two girls from a local PR firm, the head of Slow Food Sacramento, the pastry chef from Grange and Garrett McCord, one of the first bloggers I read regularly.

Many of the takeaways were food-specific, but the discussion on blogging was fantastic.  Solid blogging advice, such as making your site timely, informative and entertaining was emphasized.  The impact of Yelp and other online sources of reviews was heavily discussed and as reviewers, we were reminded to be thoughtful about what we say — it’s really true that our words as bloggers and people who interact digitally can absolutely affect others livelihoods and lives.  There was also a major push for Four Square, which I STILL cannot get behind due to my incredible levels of paranoia, but I can see how as a restaurant or business, it’d be valuable.

While I won’t be starting a food blog any time soon, despite my love for all things food-related, I was really excited to see the local community come together around social media.  The more I learn about it, the more excited I am to be part of what’s happening on the Internet.  To see these things happening in the city I love is absolutely thrilling.

Does your city have a Social Media Organization?  Do you go to the meetings?  Why or why not?

Unless you’ve been under a rock, you’ve probably seen my tweets/Facebook posts about the fact that I found out on Monday that it’s likely I won’t have a job next year.  On Friday, when they announced pink slips, I assumed I’d be getting the one I got last year, known as a precautionary notice.  Instead, I was confronted by an actual notice, one that lets me know OFFICIALLY that “my services will not be required next year” (sidenote: doesn’t that sound ridiculously dirty?!  I’M A TEACHER, SWEARSIES!).

It doesn’t feel real, just yet.  I can’t quite grasp the fact that next year, I very well might NOT drive a billion miles to work everyday.  That I won’t see my friends.  That my classroom will belong to someone else.  That thanks to the royally screwed state of education here in California, I might not have a life full of lesson plans, grading, essays and the craziness of middle school students.  I’m lucky enough to love what I do, and I can’t tell you the unspeakable sadness that comes with knowing that I might not get to do it anymore, not due to anything I’ve done, but due to finances and this ridiculous mess of a state.

The good news is this: I have amazing people and support in my life.  I will never be homeless.  I will never starve.  I will never be alone.  And for those things, I am infinitely grateful and realize how blessed I am, to say those things and know full well that they are true.

Still, I am afraid.  And I’m trying desperately not to be.  Logically, I know things will be okay.  I know that I can collect unemployment.  I know that while I’m a great teacher, I have other things to offer the world.  And I’m trying to view this as a chance to explore those things, those dreams I’ve had that I’ve sort of cast aside in favor of being an educator.

I’m exploring the little dreams I’ve had rattling around in my head.  Maybe I’ll write.  Maybe I’ll edit.  Maybe I’ll figure out something completely different.  WHO KNOWS?  Thankfully, so many of the amazing people in my life have been wildly encouraging of me, saying all the right things about there being endless opportunities and this being a brand new start.

I’m trying to believe them.  I’m trying to believe that all of those little thoughts and fears that creep in when I’m trying to sleep or driving down the street or in those quiet moments will be taken away.  I’m trying to look at this as an opportunity to test my wings, to see really how far I’ve come since the life I thought I had five years ago crumbled in my hands. I’m looking at this as a chance to build the life I want, the life I know will make me happy and fulfilled.

I know I will be okay.

I’m still scared.

So, I am on Spring Break and let me just say that I’m setting this to auto-post because I am most definitely sleeping in to an hour that seems completely unreasonable to anyone with any sort of job, except I’m not going to apologize for it, because my alarm has most definitely been going off at 4:45 for like the past six weeks and I’ve been staying at work late and THIS IS MY BREAK.

I kicked off this 16-day weekend by heading down to San Francisco, and yeah, it was amazing.  I started the day by patting myself on the back, mostly because I just like, MADE IT to the city.  I rode the BART in and got off on the right stop and sure, I walked 1.2 miles in the completely wrong direction, but I was still at brunch at the exact right time, and so for that, I deserve infinite gold stars because if you’ve been anywhere with me, you know that I basically cannot find my way out of a paper bag.

I approached Mission Beach Cafe and found Nicole, laying against a mailbox dying from the hangover of death, and Jamie comforting her and trying to keep her from vomiting, and I’m not going to lie, I was completely nervous because I don’t really do/enjoy/engage in small talk very often, and HI, they are awesome, but we immediately bonded over how we basically hate people.  And then Amber arrived, with all of her awesomeness, and then Kristin and Andrea too and I couldn’t stop smiling about the fact that these are all girls I absolutely adore and how great it was to be around a table with such awesome ladies.

I could write an entire ode to the egg sandwich with bacon that I had at this cafe but I think I might cry because it was the best thing I’ve ever eaten.  Amber later referred to it as a “revelation” and yes, that’s it exactly.  It was eggy goodness with caramelized onions with this magic cheese on a house-made English muffin and these potatoes they only gave me like five of when really, I could have eaten a giant bowlful and okay, fine, I’ll stop writing about it.

But I won’t stop thinking about it.

Anyways, after a great brunch that made me laugh hysterically, Andrea, Jamie, Nicole and I started wandering.  Wandering in San Francisco never fails to be interesting and at one point we looked around and Nicole declared that WE HAD ENTERED AN AREA.  And she was right.  And then I spotted this:

Of course we had to stop and take iPhone photos and wonder what exactly this SRPAK thing was, and then we walked even more and found the coolest bar with an amazing outdoor area and cute boys and even though Andrea and I had to listen to a really weird rendition of Oklahoma performed by the bartender before I could just GET MY DRINK, it was basically awesome.

Next, we headed back to Nicole and Jamie’s apartment where I most definitely saw THE trash chute that really could fit a baby and we ate this faux pizza from Trader Joes that was maybe even better than the egg sandwich and obsessed over John Mayer and Jamie played Girl Talk for me and I laughed more than I thought humanly possible.

And at the end of the night, when this semi-scary man was hitting on me while I was riding the BART back to my car, I thought for the 10 trillionth time in my life: thank god for the Internet, because seriously, days like that with girls like that who make me laugh and are my brand of crazy and who I instantly shift into overshare mode with even though we’ve just met are so amazing and I think it’s all because of this little blog and then my heart and brain explode with gratitude.

The Good:

• It’s Friday.  And it’s Friday before spring break, meaning I am off until March 29.  This break is much needed, I assure you.
• Tomorrow, I’m headed to San Francisco to see some of my favorite blog friends, and to meet a few more of the ladies I adore online!  I can’t wait to meet them in person and hug them and drink mimosas. 
• Last night, I was SHOCKED to come home to a Wii, Wii Fit Plus and some workout stuff from Brand About Town!  I CANNOT WAIT to get started working out at home and I am so excited to play with my new toys!  I know that having workout equiptment at home will make losing weight even more fun.

The Bad:

• I looked through the Anthropologie catalogue yesterday and got a major case of the sads.  I am too poor and too not-skinny to rock the stuff in there.  Le sigh.  I just want to be rich.  And thin.  But mostly rich. 
• I am so wiped out from this quarter.  Seriously.  I finished grades and another major project on Wednesday, and I’ve yet to really unwind from it.  Am I the only person who feels residual stress when something is done?

The Ugly:

• Most of you who follow me on Twitter already saw that I received a pink slip today.  For those that aren’t teachers, a pink slip is a legal notification teachers are given if there’s a chance they won’t have a job next year due to finances.  I was given one last year, and it all panned out; however, this year, things are pretty dire and no one knows what to expect.  I still have a lot of hope, but I won’t know anything until May 15th.  Cue the two month stomach ache! 

             In all seriousness, I so appreciate the outpouring of love via Twitter and email.  That sort of love reminds me of just how awesome this community is…even on really crappy days, y’all can make me smile and feel so loved. 

So, I posted a story of an experience I had at the gas station on Tuesday morning.  For the sake of brevity, the story is this: I went in to get coffee, and on my way out, a man who I am presuming is homeless offered me some of his Red Bull, a piece of beef jerky and a cigarette.  The story was—I thought—light-hearted and a little bit silly.

Perhaps I didn’t tell the story well enough.  Maybe I should have emphasized the practical factors: that I was in a safe place, that this man was in no way threatening or harmful and not for an instant was I afraid.  But when the comments started rolling in that I should have run away, that I was mocking the homeless, that I am basically stupid, and I received an email calling me foolish, saying that I need to be more careful because I am going to be raped or murdered because I am not careful…well, I just didn’t know what to do.

I pulled the post.

Here’s the thing: OKAY, I get it.  Sure, I know I need to be careful.  But the thing is: I am the most paranoid person of all time.  I look under my car as I approach.  I check my trunk and my backseats when I get in.  I lock my doors and triple check that I’ve done so.  I am ridiculously paranoid, just ask anyone who has spent 10 minutes with me.  I understand completely the value of following my instincts, and the thing is: I did.  I don’t mean to insult or hurt anyone who left comments showing worry.  I UNDERSTAND that you were genuinely trying to show me concern.

I guess the whole thing made me sad, if that makes any sense.  It makes me sad that we immediately assume the worst in people.  That we assume that because one’s station in life is different than ours, that they are dangerous and scary and different.  If I had thought that this person was in any way dangerous, I would have had a different reaction.  But this man was kind.  We were surrounded by people, in a well-lit place.  And sure, freak accidents can happen and he could have pulled a gun and a million other bad situations that we can concoct in our mind COULD have happened.  But thank god they didn’t.

My point is this: I don’t want to live my life afraid of everything and every person.  Maybe that’s why the reactions via comment and email made me so sad…because I see that fear in myself sometimes.  Because I spend so much of my life afraid of what might happen, afraid that the next person around the corner is going to DO SOMETHING.  I don’t want to run away from people and opportunities that might have nothing but benevolence attached.

I do it too often.  Maybe not at this gas station, with this man.  But I do it.  I’m not saying I want to run into oncoming traffic and wander the streets at 3 AM and get into vans with men promising candy.  But, I don’t want to live in fear.   I want to smile with grace and basic human kindness at those around me.  I want to take risks and say what I mean and do cool things, even when I’m scared.

There are some moments that change your game, your view, your life.  They start out normally, but well, they never quite end that way, do they?  This is one of mine.

The past year and a half had crushed me.  In a span of twelve months, I watched as everything came crashing down: my marriage, my job, my financial stability, my newest relationship which absolutely blindsided me with it’s rapid highs and lows.  I was fragile.

In that year, there had been moments where I’d questioned whether or not I wanted to live at all. 

Sure, things were looking up, I guess. I had started my first year of being an English teacher, which was both exhausting and exhilerating with it’s joys and fears and ability to absolutely drain me.  But I wasn’t happy.  I moved out of the apartment I loved and in with a roommate to save money, and while my roommate was nice enough, I hated the area I lived in and hated listening to the laughter and love that she shared with her boyfriend.  The first boy I’d liked in months was ignoring me, claiming he needed “space” and I could no longer stay out until 5 am with my old friends because I was thrown into teaching, baptism by fire. I cried the whole way home everyday, wondering if I’d ever “get it” and be a good teacher, if I’d ever feel at home in the world again. 

The morning started out like any other: I left for work early, stopping to grab a coffee at the grocery store nearby as had become my custom.  The area in which I lived was busy in the mornings, with everyone streaming out of their homes to head to work and start their day. After getting my coffee, I pulled out of the parking lot, latte in hand, and  accelerated to 50 miles per hour, headed towards the freeway. 

Before I knew what happened, I was spinning, spinning, spinning across the road.  I heard brakes screeching and felt my head hit the driver’s side window.  What must have been 15 seconds felt like I lifetime as I careened across traffic, before coming to a stop.  As I looked out the window, I saw a car desperately trying to stop before hitting my door.  I could see the concerned face of the man driving, bracing to hit me.

But he didn’t.

He gently backed his car away from mine, so I could open my door, since his car had stopped mere inches from where I was marooned on the median, with a blown tire on the front right side, a stupid blown tire that could have killed me.  I came tumbling out of my car, gasping for air, crying harder than I knew possible.  I remember being so grateful to feel the cold air on my face, to get out and walk, to know that it could have been otherwise.

In my journal that night, I wrote only this: “I want to live.”

Hooray!  My giveaway was a success (at least I think so!) with 104 entries and I am so excited to announce my winners!  I hope y’all trust me enough when I swear on all that’s holy that I used Random.org…but didn’t take a screen shot of each one.  SORRY!  But, without further adieu, my winners!

• First, the winner of goodies from Kerri of Your Wishcake is…JILL!  Jill, as in @jimaro, who happens to be one of my offline best friends!
• Second, the winner of some goodies from Ashley of Joyful Star is Shannon, of Tattoos and Cupcakes!
• Last but not least, the winner of an adorable hairclip from Morgan of Little Lovelies is Stephany, of Stephany Writes!

Congratulations, ladies!  And thank you again to my lovely Etsy sponsors!  You ladies are the best!

Winners, I’ll be sending you an email so I can forward your information to my Etsy friends!

Good morning, friends!  How is your day going?

I wanted to pop in, say HELLO, and remind you that today is the absolute LAST day to enter my Blogoversary Giveaway…tonight, I’ll be picking names and winners will be posted bright and early tomorrow morning. 

Do you ever have those mornings when you think everything is completely under control only to have the world laugh in your face and say, “HA!  RIGHT!” before throwing you about 15 curve balls?  That’s been my morning thus far.  I’m holding on tight, trying to meet deadlines, finish important tasks, and come up with plans on the fly, all while smiling and staying relatively sane.  I wish I could spend some time out in the sunshine, reading a book and free of powerpoints, parallel structure and a million papers to grade…

The good news is that I am careening madly towards a two week Spring Break, so I know that if I hold on to myself the next few days, it’ll be worth it, come Friday afternoon when I am relaxing at Happy Hour with friends and NEXT Monday, when I can stay in bed as long as I’d like.

I wish you a Monday full of joy and I’ll be back tomorrow with winners and a “normal” post.

HOORAY!  Thanks for all of the sweet words and congrats yesterday…it was heartwarming and so touching to hear such nice words from all of YOU, who have come to mean so much to me.  I wanted to find a way to properly thank you, for all of the love and support and emails and other sweetness you have bestowed on me this year.

One of the best things about this blog has been the people I’ve met as a result of it.  The lovely Etsy artists listed above, Kerri from Your Wishcake (the blog and the Etsy store!), Ashley from the blog Our Little Apartment & the Etsy shop Joyful Star and Morgan from the blog Mrs. Priss and the Etsy shop Little Lovelies — all sweet friends of mine — have helped me put together a little giveaway!  Not only is it my blog birthday, it’s my first giveaway!

Without further adieu, here’s what you can win…

• From Your Wishcake, Kerri has offered up one of her adorable felt wallets and one of her Pretty Notebooks!  I happen to adore both of those products and everything I’ve ever received from Kerri has been absolutely adorable!
• From Joyful Star, Ashley has offered up to $10 in free product!  I don’t know what I’d choose…her earrings are sweet, and I love her coffee sleeves.  I would have such a difficult time deciding!
• From Little Lovelies, Morgan has offered a hair clip of your choice.  Again, better you than me, because all of those clips are downright adorable.

I am so grateful to all three of these girls for being willing to help me out and so generously make this giveaway so much fun!

Please go VISIT them, and buy something!  They are definitely worth supporting.

Here’s how to enter…it’s simple, because I am a simple girl.

1. Leave me a comment below! Say hi if you’re new, and if you’re a friend or regular visitor, tell me something I don’t know about you.
2. Tweet about the giveaway, and then leave me a second comment that includes a link to your tweet.

Winners will be selected at random, and I will keep this open until Monday night, and will announce the winner on Tuesday!

GOOD LUCK!

And once again, thanks for stopping by my little blog…it’s been a year to remember.  Here’s to many, many more!

364 days ago, I was putting the finishing touches on my blog layout.  I was nervously composing my first post, and thinking about all the things I hoped that my blog might become.  I fantasized about things that seemed nearly impossible at the time, like getting 5 comments on a post, and maybe making a few friends.  I thought that it’d be fun to have an outlet for all the writing I was doing, and decided having my own site would be a fun way to showcase that.

Fast forward to a year later.  This year, this little corner of the internet has become so much more than an outlet for me.  It’s introduced me to some of my closest friends.  It has connected me to people who share parts of my story I hesitated to share.  My blog has taken me to a backyard in Sacramento where I made indelible connections, to San Francisco for a sweet reunion, to Chicago to meet a roomful of new people.  It has connected me to people from my past who have found it, and in turn, me, by reading the things I post here.

This space has given me a place to publicly share a hobby I’ve had since I was seven.  It’s given me confidence.  It’s been an ongoing, public conversation: a place where I can articulate what’s going on in my head and my heart and hear that I’m not alone, or that at the very least, someone else has been helped or felt understood.

I am amazed and humbled at the response I’ve had to my writing, at the friendships that have bloomed, at the number of people who completely get me even if they don’t live geographically near me.  I’m amazed that in the next year, this little blog will take me to Vegas to meet friends, to New York to be part of a huge event, and to Chicago to see even more close friends.

It’s been a wild ride…and it’s only been a year.  I am so excited.

I don’t know if I say it enough, but THANK YOU.  Thank you for reading my drivel, for making me laugh, for sending me emails with your own stories, for becoming my friends via this little space.  It wouldn’t be the same without you, and I am so beyond grateful.

And?

Come back tomorrow for a totally awesome giveaway as a real thank you, beyond words in a post.